Attention Span Stretch. Also, I Love You.

Hi ... Haha.

I had to check up your name, Rachel. I guess you aren't Rachel, not the whole of you. You're the keeper of a house that I turn to occasionally. In that house, I talk to you, I talk to God, I talk to me. Cruel, perhaps, to downgrade your status, but I created you. Haha, I just realised how absurd that conversation was. Is. How absurd I am. Just came back from fellowship with Jermaine, Jazz and Broderic. Fun stuff. I feel loved. It's a good feeling. Why do I feel a twinge of ... angstyness, for a lack of a better word. I feel on the edge of a cliff, staring down at a raging river that will swallow me up, as it has done in almost every other post?

It's Christmas. Jesus was born today. Yesterday. It doesn't matter. Jesus was born. I haven't bought any presents for anyone. I haven't given anyone cards. I haven't sent anyone encouraging smses. I have only greeted a few people with a heartfelt "Merry Christmas". This Christmas doesn't feel like it's happening to me. The magic is happening around me, to everyone but me. I remember blogging about having the feeling that I'm looking over my own shoulder, that I'm somehow out of me. Emotional shutdown, Shaun says. Pastor Kong preached about it. Heh, was just about to angst about it, but God reminded me that my words frame my life. If all I'm going to do is angst about it, that's the level I will remain. What do I do about it? Think, Bowen, think. God gave you talents. Intellectual talents. Use them. I need to get a copy of the sermon(s) preached. Shall ask Shaun about it.

Ah, something to put on my Post-It wall. I have a wall of Post-It notes, displaying revelations from God, passages from the Bible I'm called to, things I need to do, questions I need to ask. I started it a while ago, did it once and left it. I think I was too scared to look back at the wall, to see what I had to do, to see what was ahead of me. Everyday, the fear grew and grew as some of the more time-sensitive events there drew near. Everyday, it got easier and easier to just not look at it. But as Shaun would say, "Now that you know about it, what are you going to do about it?" He is less interested in an analysis of the reasons for one's mistakes as compared to what the person in question is going to do to solve the problem created. I'll take a look at it later.

Haha, Shaun. He's been my spiritual father for the past year or so. He's been a source of comfort, a calm, intellectual voice patiently leading me back to the narrow path, again and again. He's been the disciplinarian, never hesitant to point out my mistakes, even the small things like smiling while waiting for someone. I was waiting for Amelie at JW church, and ran into Shaun along the way. He commented that I looked frustrated and annoyed. "Pissed-off look on your face", if I recall correctly. "That's how I normally look" was countered by "You should change. Imagine what the person would feel if they came out and saw your face like that. They would think you're pissed off.". "But that's not how I feel" was in turn negated by the reminder that they can't read my mind, or something to that effect. Small things. He was there at Plaza Singapura, he was there when I was walking to Simei in the middle of the night, when I had wanted to just give up there and then. I sense a change.

Haha, you know the picture that goes "I am easily distract... Bunny."? I just got distracted by the picture of a character from Questionable Content in Woon Hian's MSN display pic. Currently in a convo with him. He's in Vietnam on a holiday now, touring the place. Arrgh, I keep capitalising my letters.

Yeah, back to the topic. I sense a change. He's really encouraging me to lean on him less, and to lean on God more. I realise that I've been doing a lot of leaning on him. That's fine if I'm new. It's totally unrealistic to be able to lean on God for everything when you're just starting off. I'm sure God knows that too, which is why he puts people like Shaun, Charmaine, Valerie, Mikki, Liang Kai, Naresh in our lifes, so that they may be a beacon for the lost, for the new people. However, somewhere along the way, we have to turn our face towards the true beacon. How do I put this... Haha, I guess it isn't important to explain it. It's rhema, specific word for a specific person. Me.

Mmm, break for campbell soup and crackers. Simple stuff, but delicious. =D

Yeah, rhema. Haha, just now while I was eating, I kept blogging in my head. I forgot most of it now, but I kinda went on to learning from Frankie, and some other things. Totally random. I'm getting more and more random.

Ah yes, back to the topic at hand. I don't want anyone reading this to get the impression that I'm spiritually mature and independent of my CGL.

I'm getting distracted. I'm reaching the end of my attention span. There are so many things I want to blog about...

Heck, I'll go ahead anyway. I'm the last person you can call spiritually mature.

I think I'll skip this topic. I'm starting to become frustrated. I don't have to explain myself I guess. You either understand it and move on, or don't, and move on. I'm sick and tired of second guessing my intentions and explanations.

Distracted again. Tested the reading level of my blog. Elementary school. Did I change? I remember using a lot of big, perhaps slightly bombastic words when I first entered cell group. I got comments about it. Now I don't. Has my English standard dropped? My vocabulary, especially. Lack of use? I dropped out of the RI enviroment... Sigh. What am I to do about it?

Ah yes, wanted to blog about it. We were playing truth or dare just now at Plaza Singapura. I did all sorts of wacky stuff, I totally have no concept of "face" =P. Well, not then, anyways. Maybe it's something I turn on or off. Yeah anyways, I asked all sorts of really personal questions for truth. It was much later on that I realised that truth doesn't mean that you have to embarrass the person. It just means that you can find out more about the person. It doesn't need to be a question about the most embarrassing moment of her life. It can, but it doesn't need to for the event to be fun. I think the two questions I asked them after the games were over told me far more about them that I did during the game. I asked them what their priorities in life were, and what was an area that they needed God to come work in their lives right now. I got some pretty interesting answers, things that I didn't know. I now knew the areas I could focus on when praying for them. I knew roughly the things that made them tick. That told me volumes more that all the questions I asked to try to embarrass them. Well, not to embarrass them, but questions that had that effect. So if anyone of you are reading this, my apologies.

I guess the rest don't really matter. Not now. See you around Rachel.

Ah yes, Jermaine, I blog about thoughts that have been in my subconscious, issues that only surface when I sit down to blog. That's where all these come from. I don't think about all these consciously most of the time, which is why I guess I need an occasional blog post to offload all these thoughts. This blog is mostly about how I feel, my thought processes. I don't really blog about events, because I tend to feel.. frustrated. I don't recall everything, and to me, describing something that has already happened is not something that I enjoy doing. I'd rather blog about how it has changed me, for better or for worse. Slightly different from the usual stuff you read, but then again I don't really structure this very well for reading anyways. It's pretty disorganised, not to mention long and at times angsty. But I blog anyway, because I think I need to, sometimes.

See you around. I love you people. My parents, my cell group, my friends. I love all of you. Soppy? Maybe. Heartfelt? Heck yeah. If I die tomorrow, I die with knowledge that I told everyone that I loved them. I may not have really acted it, or said it, but from today onwards I'm going to try.

<3, Signing out.

Everyday, I Bear My Cross.

It's hard. It's so hard. This new worship, praise even. I really have to focus on God, every single second of it. It's not cruise control anymore. Help me God. I can't do this on my own. I can do nothing on my own. Without you, I would have been a body at the foot of my housing estate, a nameless nobody who killed himself. You called me yours, gave me a family, showed me love beyond what I had ever experienced. You showed me my purpose. I am yours. Without you, I am nothing, but through you, I can do everything. I have experienced your power. It fills me with such faith, confidence, such strength. Please.

"Don't Give Up" by Josh Groban? Apt. I'm listening. It's not the feeling. It's not why I worship you. I can't let it be the reason. Feelings come and go. Right now, it feels good, I feel you, but my feelings don't lead me. You do. Emotions ... help, but they aren't the source. Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world. Heavy burdens we bore, but through you, we find strength to keep on walking. What is worship? Does it have to be to you? Could I just sit around and enjoy your presence? Even now I have to focus on you. I feel the other side. It's so close. But I focus. Is it the music? The music helps, but it's you. Christmas is about love. For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to die on the cross for us, and whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Christ is the Lord. I remember asking you to "bring it on". I can take it, I said. Big words, but I will live up to them. I will never give up.

As of today, I make a covenant with you, God. Everytime I fall, I will turn back to you. I will never give up in anything I do. I carry your spirit of excellence with me. Abide in me, and I shall abide in you, your Word says. Help me abide in You, abide in your Word. Help me, even as my fallen nature rebels against you, against your Spirit. Give me the strength, for without you, I am nothing. Nothing. I just lost you for a bit there. How easy it is to cross over. I press on. I press on. Do not forsake me, Lord, please. I understand now. I am dead. What that is dead cannot bring forth new life. Only through you can new life spring forth.

It's hard, God, but I press on. Help me.

I Can Do All Things, Only If Christ Strengthens Me

Haven't slept in 36 hours. I feel depressed. Cranky. Suicidal. Just now, I was pacing past a window, and I got that crazy urge to jump out. You know those kind of urges that make you do random things. Just do a small skip. Just do a jig on the spot. Something random. Mine includes jumping out of the window from the 28th floor. I usually keep those in check, but I fear the day I just lose control, for that millisecond, just a tiny moment, and I end up dead. Funny how lack of sleep can do all these to you. All your latent fears, problems, normally efficiently suppressed all float to the surface, rearing their ugly heads, reminding you that you're just acting, that no one sees the real you. If they did, they would turn away. No one has truly understood me. I show different sides of me to different people. Masks. Fed up.

It's not God, it's me. I told Shaun before, the only way I really learn is to be a step away from death, staring it down. It is only then I will repent. Before that, attempts are usually futile and temporary. Do I really have to die to make me learn? Why don't I care about God as much as I should? God's always been there for me, but just somehow I choose, somewhere subconsciously to not give any time to God. It's like potassium for plants. If I'm not wrong, it only plays a part in the fruit of the plant. I have no fruit. I still live, but do not bear fruit. That's the way I am now. I live, but now I had the knowledge of what I need to do, what I should do, all the more I despair at my salvation. Have I ever thought that maybe if I was in another church, one not as strict, not as complete, perhaps I'll live easier? Yeah, when I'm in my moods like this. However, we're not called to a bed of roses, we are called to a garden to tend and weed. I don't think God has been the reason for all these so far. God should be the α & ω of everything I do. Can I do that? I honestly don't know. My mind is screaming at me to just give up, just tell the world that it wins. Maybe I'm not beyond redemption after all, with the little voice in me telling me that the proclamation is absurd. That's the bloody problem. I feel for it, enough to be irritated, but never enough to make me move. Fuck this, my mom wins I guess. She's pissing me off watching TV, trying to shame me into sleeping. Damned tired, anyway. Cough still around. Didn't see a doctor. I think I'll just skip everything this week. R & R....

Oh yeah, just read that Weiwen deleted a post. I'll never do that. I might regret a post like this, but these posts provide an outlet for ranting, and I'm not ashamed of that. I don't want to care what the people who read this blog, if any, think about me. This is part of me, the part of me you will never see in day to day interaction with me. This is my dirty side. You have yours too, it's there, deep inside you. I'll probably never see it. Unless you share. :)

Tequila Sunset

I've never drank Tequila, nor have I watched the movie of the same name. I first saw it on Joseph's msn nick. I think it was the theme for their year's prom night. Or was it JJ, or Daniel Chia? I don't remember. It was so long ago. It's amazing how you remember small things like this. I guess it was important to me. It represented something that I will never be part of. RJ prom night. Being popular. Come to think of it, does it matter? It's a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point of time in our lives. As Christians, we're supposed to answer, "No, only my God's opinion matters to me" How many Christians have I seen are affected by people around them? They care about opinions, the views of the people around them. Hypocrites I can't call them, for I am one myself, perhaps the worst of all. I don't even consciously know that I'm affected. Some time ago, in the bus, I did an action characteristic of Boon Kiat, a double thumbs up and a click sound. At that time, Mikki commented that that action was so much like Boon Kiat, and that I shouldn't hang out with him so much. All that was done in a very jokingly and light manner, and I took it as such. However, I think my subconscious was pretty affected, and kicked in. I never did that action again. Everytime I look back on my life, I realised that I've always been influenced by someone or something, and I'll never be concious of it at that time. Emulating how my cousin used to squash his bread before eating it... Can't think of anything else. I'm pretty sure I'm just not aware of them all. I ...

Ah, sms. Interesting. Break for reply.

Done. Interesting interesting. Hrm. Ah yes, Rachel. Heh, had to check the spelling of your name. Sorry about that. =( You know, I have the image of the two of us sitting on some pier at a lake in the middle of a wooded forest at dusk, with me talking, and you just sitting, smiling, listening. I guess you were created to be an object of love. Or lust? Maybe, but probably not. I don't feel the urge to make hot, passionate love to every woman I meet, but I do want to be loved, and feel loved. I seem incapable of loving. What I do seems artificial, pale imitations of the real thing. I go through the motions, but don't feel anything. Or do I? Chatting over MSN with someone at this hour makes me feel... what is this feeling? I don't know. I feel... different. Like a light in my life. Nothing so drastic as love, or a crush, just a general feeling of well-being and happiness, i think. Is that what it is? Something as simple as talking to something. Deep inside, I really crave the love and attention .... that I never thought I got. Unfair, surely. My parents loved me, I'm sure of that. It's that, I don't know what love feels like. According to Pastor Kong, it's not even a feeling, but a choice. You choose to love, and you choose to not to. Have I chose not to love? How can I not love and yet want to be loved. Isn't that very selfish? It's kinda wierd. I know what an infatuation is like. I go through a period of emotional moderation with almost every girl I know well. No, Rachel, you don't count, and neither does anyone who reads this blog, I think. I've learnt to control myself, although sometimes I wonder if I'm more biased towards helping the females. I try to reason as such, I treat girls and guys have the same amount of attention, but the girls have a lower threshold at which help is initiated, whereas the guys have a much higher threshold, and thus receive less help and attention. Of course, I could be just covering up that I just view the girls as potential mates and guys as competitors. I watch myself, every day and night. I'm reminded of the Terry Pratchet book, Night Watch. At the end, Vimes is asked, "Who watches the watchman". "Me, I watch him" was the reply from his .... I don't know how to describe it... a persona of his conscience? My conscience watches me, God watches me. I pray that I never slip. Ugly huh, this side of me? The side that nobody knows, the side that nobody wants to know. The side that makes the whole me ugly. These masks have to come off, but will you walk away, or will the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay? Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns captures my feelings pretty adequately here.

Haha, wanted to blog about music again, but I want something new. I'd think Rachel wouldn't want to listen to the same old rambling me everyday. Haha, I'm starting to write for Rachel, with her in mind. Can't do that. Can't personify the blog this way...

I guess I'm tired. I don't have anything new. Will anyone take me the way I am? I lose, God. I have lost. Help. Signing off. Bye Rachel. Have fun in the world I've created for you, it's the best. I really wish I could join you, but... till next time, take care. See you around.

In Which Rachel is Born

Yeah, let's twist again! Twisting time is here! Haha. Phew, nice high there. Music is such an important moderator

Haha, my sister invaded for a bit to print something. I should really network the printer, but the last time I tried, Vista declared there was not enough memory to network the printer. I'm serious, "Not enough free memory" 2 Gigabytes of RAM, and nothing to show for it. My sister laptop's more powerful then mine, except for the graphics card. >.< Ah yes, music. It's so important to me, my mood actually changes depending on what kind of music I listen to. Most of the time though, I'll flip through my library to find something that fits what I'm feeling or want to feel. Pathetic huh, needing music as an emotional moderator. I haven't yet found anything so immersive that fits into my pocket. Haha, "Addicted to Bass" by Puretone is up, super upbeat song, I like the bass line and the drums... whatever the drum's equivalent of "bass line" is. Haha

Hrm, ah yes, next up is some Japanese song from Laputa. The vocal's really nice, it's some choral arrangement, really smooth on the ears. It's really fun imagining the music as many layered, then seeing the layers unfold in your mind, with the different parts of the choral board being different layers, sometimes drifting separately, sometimes merging together to form... something that makes me feel good.

"Englishman in New York" by Sting is up. Love the Brit accent =P Also, the intro is the same as some Black Eyed Peas song they did with Sting. Was a bit surprised when I heard the original. Also, the saxophone (I assume, I wouldn't know) reminds me of "Maneater" by Hall and Oates, from "Runaway Bride". There's this saxophone solo with echo with some delay, maybe 1 second or so. It sounds like two saxophones playing, only that one is playing with some delay, and softer. I can't describe the result in words, it just makes me feel good. Ah yes, listening to it now. The first saxophone plays over the second one, and the melding of both makes the piece sound really cool. I vaguely remember the same technique being used on the piano for "Do-Re-Mi" from "The Sound of Music". Doe will start, then when Ray goes, Doe starts again. Pretty cool.

Ah yes, I like this one. Childhood by Yann Tiersen from "Good Bye Lenin!" I love piano arragements, I always have this image in my head of myself sitting in a gigantic hall alone, wearing those snazzy suits, playing really complicated tunes on the piano. I just imagine the fingers flying over the piano. Now that I kinda know how to play the guitar, I have a much better appreciation of music, on how hard it is to produce a deceptively simple tune... ABBA's on, but I really shouldn't ramble on about how much I love my music, you should have an idea already ;)

Haha, just remembered to thank Carol and Alina for introducing me to jazz music. Carol hooked up with a boatload of Nat King Cole, L-O-V-E, When I Fall In Love, In Other Words, The Girl from Ipanema, ... well these 4 really. Jumpstarted a new musical foray into Michael Bublé, Louis Armstong and stuff. =P

Yeah, back to the depressing stuff I guess. Haha, I have a upbeat song, and I'm finding it hard to get into the introspective mode. Hang on... Ah yes, got it. Welcome to the Black Parade by Green Day does nicely, I'd think.

I was thinking about it a bit just now. I can't seem to study. I'm just not motivated. I stare in the face of failure, of embarrassment, into the faces of everyone who cares and ever cared, and still I can't do it. Or is it that I won't? What is the reason for it? I don't care enough about God, about my parents, about my cell group, about my future, about me? I don't care that I'm on a fast track to Hell, knowing that I KNOW, I know everything I'm supposed to do, everything that will happen if I don't, everything that God has done for me in the past. I'm just an ungrateful bastard. I have a mental barrier... I'm reminded that we had a sermon about this. It pointed out that we have to change our thinking, but they never told us how. Think positive? There's no point. It's like there's this brick wall that stretches as far as your eyes can see, and telling yourself that somewhere over the rainbow, the wall will end. These people starve to death trying to look for a way out.

However, in the interest of trying, I'm going to try to give it my best shot. For the next two months, I'm going to start walking. I'll do my daily quiet time, my daily Bible reading, study as much as I can, do something productive, help out in cell group, basically do everything I'm supposed to do. If there is no improvement at the end of the year. I'll leave church. I'm not trying to test God here. We've been told not to, anyway. I'm trying to test myself, to see if I'm up to this whole Christianity business, this relationship. I don't want to go to church feeling like a faker, worrying that I will lose my mask in cell group. No more bullcrap, down to business. You hear that God? It's my covenant with you, something I'll keep. I either all for you, or not for you. I can't stand the cognitive dissonance, the feeling of being torn apart by two equally powerful influences. All or nothing, make or break. It starts today, when I wake up in the morning. Will I regret this? Most probably. Rash? Maybe. I'm just sick and tired of the whole masquerade. Help me here, if you will it, else maybe this is just not my season. =)

Signing off, have a great night. Hrm, you've got to have a name... Charmaine, maybe, or Mark. Shaun. Haha, nah, someone new. You shall be Rachel. First name that popped into my mind anyhow. As to why you're female... well, that's the way it is. Not going to perform introspective analysis into that question, too iffy for my liking. =P

Night Rachel, sweet dreams...

P.S Do blogs dream of electric sheep?

I know you as my Lord

Urgh. I just realised, it's the random ramblings of a citizen of Christ. I haven't been doing the works, thinking the thoughts of a citizen of Christ recently. I guess Christianity is not a mask one can don on weekends, only to take it off the moment one steps out of church.

Put simply, I'm ...

Urgh. Just read up a bit on depression. I still live in the shadow of depression. It's less severe now, but it's still there. Somewhere beneath my masks, it lies in wait for me. It'll get me. I need to do this. Help me God, without you, I surely will drown. Help.

The word is 可愛い

Cute. Too cute.

Overwhelming fear or overwhelming fear? Do I get to choose?

Urgh. I'm scared to death. I'm not ready for this. I didn't study for this. Prelims reporting in 10.30 hours. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I'm not ready for this. Help. I can't describe this fear in my heart now. It' s my own fault I'm like that. I have no one to blame. No one at all. Not my parents, not my sister, not my school, not my depression. Just me and my procrastinating, hypocritical self. I didn't study at all for this. I'm not ready for this practical. I think that when you call on God for help, you're got to at least be somewhat prepared first. I didn't do anything, even though I could, and I don't deserve God's help. If God helped me, that wouldn't be fair. Would it? Does God hear at this time of hour, at the final hour of what is possibly the most important exam I have ever taken in my life so far? I'm ashamed of facing Him, of admitting what I have done, and what I haven't. I seek His forgiveness, but would it be too much to ask for some of his mercy and grace as well? All I've done is squandered it. I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I no longer feel remorse, where I no longer hear God's voice calling me to the narrow path when I stray. I'm good at last minute regrets, but I can never seem to translate this fear into action. There's something seriously wrong with me. I'm self-destructive, I know that there are things that I should be doing, but I can't help but to not do them, no matter how important they are. I won't eat until I feel faint, and even then I'll just grab snacks. I won't study. I just can't. I get frustrated... angry, even when I look at a book. I've never liked to go through something more then once, and I feel that I've gone through the book so many times. I haven't even looked at it, but I just feel like not wanting to read it. It's an intense, physical feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you clench your fists and want to hurt stuff. People, objects, doesn't matter. Shaun tells me that there's a choice, there's always a choice. I guess I just chose academic suicide. Why would I even choose that is not clear to me. I think I have a fear of failure, a really intense, really deep-seated fear that can't really be cured by telling myself to just do it. It's like telling depressed person to cheer up. It's just not happening that way. Therapy and close guidance is needed, and I don't know who to go to. I think they'll just laugh it off and tell me that it's all in my mind, that if I really tell myself that the only thing I fear is fear itself and that God had not given me a spirit of fear, but of sound mind. Don't they understand how powerful the mind is? How sometimes the mind literally has a mind of its own? Sometimes I can't control what I think. That translates to difficulty controlling what I do. Is this all an excuse to absolve myself from blame, to blame the whole thing on a mental condition? I don't know. I'm tired of second-guessing myself. I've been doing that for years, and it just tears me up. When you see your naked soul reflected back at you, filthy, unkempt, proud, perverted, twisted, when you see all that you have done reflected back at you, and all you can do is stare back, it really takes its toll on you. Jesus forgave me from all my sins, I understand that. It doesn't mean that it never happened. I'm reminded of the story of the father who nailed a nail into a fence every time his son said something hurtful, and took out a nail every time his son said something nice. When the last nail was pulled out, all the holes still remained. There were no more nails, but the holes were there, and will always be there. I'm staring at my holes, looking for reasons, looking for answers, looking for solutions, but all that's happening is that I'm falling into these holes, letting these holes consume my life, making me lose sight of the fence that I am. I'm just a scared little kid inside. I need love, I need comforting. Funny thing is, when I do get these things, I feel that I don't need it. I despise the things I need the most. I feel that I'm weak because I need these things. I can't change the way I feel, it's just the way things go. The only person who can love me the way I need it, I don't talk to. I don't faithfully follow his teachings. I rebel against him every single day, sometimes small, sometimes big, but always something everyday. I distance myself from the person I need the most. Why am I like this? Am I just made to wander the wide pathway of destruction? Even as I type that I know it's wrong. God put us all here for a reason. Is my life to be a warning to others, on what happens if you stray? That's not true, but then, what my purpose then? The donkeys are getting really really hard to chase. Is there light at the end of this tunnel of mine?

I just sent the sms. I'm scared. Then again, I should be even more scared of what God would say in this situation in my life. I'm not sensitive enough. Lord, help me to grow, break my heart for what breaks yours.

Humility, Secrecy and Electric Sheep

Ha! I got so depressed I just stopped halfway. =P

Anyways, today's service was great! Kinda woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. Maybe it's because I was adjusting from my erratic sleep schedule. I didn't sleep the night before, was at Weiwen's house with Swee Keng, Joan, Clarence and Kenneth Chan watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. That was after supper at some prata house in Upper Thompson. Got jacked by Mikki into eating some fruit vinegar jelly. Sour as heck, but it was pretty good. On a sadder note, I am officially broke. I have 65 cents in my wallet right now, and it has to last me for one whole week, until Saturday. My own fault, really. I spent around $30 on a Japanese meal at MOF in Marina Square. Mikki, Mikki's wakeboarding friend, Boon Kiat and I. Urgh. I pay the price for my foolish splurge. I'm not getting enough protein I think. I'm hitting the pasta, bread and biscuits, but I don't get my protein fix. Maybe that's why I get tired so easily. Ah yes. Sleep schedule. I left my handphone at home, and had to double back from my void deck to get it. I've never had problems with that before. I also didn't bring my jacket. =( I was so cold before service, I was entertaining thoughts about getting some sort of hypothermia. Serious, I get really really really cold, my hands will shake, and my core temperature will drop.

Stir stir stir the pasta. I am making plain pasta with pasta sauce and a fistful of cheese. Add olive oil and some time in the fridge, and *ding*, I get a filling meal. Nutritional suicide, of course. I don't know why I do this to myself =(

Oh yeah, before service, I told myself, "Your God is a powerful God, he can make you feel warm, if you will let him and have faith." Then during the service, I was cold, but it never bothered me. I never consciously registered that I was cold. Not once. Subconscious shifting of posture here and there, maybe, but nothing distracting. Thank God for that =P.

Vision weekend! Wow, just amazing, focus is swinging back to the church, pastors' going to be around more.

Ha! Just came back. The pasta's done, along with some of my thoughts. Hrm, which first. Ok, my personal vision is to bring at least 1 extended family to church by this year. I was thinking one of my aunt's kids, they seem pretty receptive to this whole thing. Some children's church event, perhaps. Also, I realised that the apology to Shuan is overdue. I haven't been studying at all. Before you skim over this confession, realise that O levels is in 15 days. I haven't touched my books at all. I lied when Shaun asked about my study status, always putting on a mask of preparedness. I lied, and I will apologise to him tonight. Sigh, got to put my pride aside, once again. I want to be broken, and if this is the way I have to do it, I will. For You. I dunno who reads this blog anyways. Just had a totally random thought. Can you imagine someone stalking this blog? Someone who doesn't know me at all, maybe doesn't even know about Singapore reading about me, looking through this window into my life. Kinda like in the movies, I guess. One day, I'll post my address, and she take the first flight into Singapore and propose to me! Bwahaha! Ok, that was a bit off. =P But an interesting flight of fantasy, nonetheless.

Sherrie's an interesting girl. Interesting as, I think there's more to her, just like me, that there's a mask she's wearing, somehow. Dunno, just a feeling. Either that, or she is really cheerful all the time, always ready with a smile and a wisecrack. Always. I wonder how she does it.

Ah yes, Some of the old posts that just surfaced were drafts that I forgot to post. Thought I'll let them breathe some fresh air ;) My parents are coming back from Japan today, it should be today morning, not sure about the time. My sister's bugging me to wash the dishes already. To her credit, she's taken out the trash and washed the dishes for the past week, so I should really be doing this. See you next time, if anyone even reads this blog =p Have a good day, and God bless.

Urgh. Feeling like crap. Another depression episode. Makes me want to just scream and cry, but I can't. Not here. Not anywhere. It's not healthy, I think, supressing all these thoughts and actions. That's what I've been doing, running away from my depression. Sleeping it out. "I'll be fine tomorrow." Bowen you liar. You are never fine. You just bury the dirt deep inside you where no one can see.

Let's list out what you're depressed about. That dinner invitation, certainly. Thing is, I'm not supposed to be affected by it. Shit, I'm dwelling again. Also using swearwords. Bad me. I haven't thought like that in a while. Regret is such an ugly word. It's an emotion for things already done. I enormously regret, but it's already over. There's nothing I can do about it. Why do I major on the minor? Am I a weekend Christian, a fair-weather Christian. I seem to be disposed towards that. I have this self-destructive personality. If I'm hungry, I'll just eat whatever's in the house. I don't go down to get my food. I guess I need to be pushed to the brink, to the place where I'll pass out from the lack of food, before I will learn to get food from downstairs. Why do I have to have my back to the wall before I am propelled to do something. WHY DAMMIT@! It's a matter of what you want, and somewhere deep down inside, I don't want to be a Christian, I don't want to pray, I don't want the valleys I just want the mountains. My honesty scares me. I just want someone to love me. I have this great gaping need for love that isn't filled. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be all right. Is that my hormones talking? Is that just an excuse for wanting a relationship? Heck, I don't know. Most people aren't as complicated as this. They just go through their lives, not having to look at the dirt inside of them, analysing it, weighing it,

Well, Facebook sure is addictive. I just spend a couple of hours tagging pictures, adding picutre, thinking about adding applications, adding applications, adding friends, thinking about adding friends, joining groups, finding groups to join...

Yeah, you get what I mean.

Kudo Kodos!

Ha, yet another late night post.

Ah, I just had a post on procrastination lined up, but I realised that I needed to wake up early for Children's Day tomorrow. reporting at 9, so I'm leaving the house at 8, wake up at 7. And I still don't have the shirt in the colours required. Darn. 6 hours of sleep, and I still haven't read my Bible yet. I'll do it today, can't put it off any longer. We love God only as much as we love his Word, so Bible > sleep right now. My fault for putting it off till now anyways. No one but me to blame. Sigh, thank God for mercy and grace, for leading me to repentance. Soften this heart of mine, hardened to love, to mercy, to optimism, to courage. Spiritual operation is needed!

I'll do the post on procrastination tomorrow, if I feel like it. Kudos if you can spot the irony.

Ha, just thought of an interesting analogy. Every person living in this world is a sine wave. The averages of the sine waves of all the people living in this world is a sine wave. The heartbeat of the world, if you please. Other people see you as a function of the sine wave of the world, on how pleasing the resulting wave is. People like me are pretty ok in the 2d plane, with the resulting function more or less pleasing to the eye. That's what people see, that's what the world sees. Two-dimensional. When we're saved though, God reveals to us another dimension to our wave, depth. When I look into my depths, I see a wild, uncontrolled oscillation that I was only vaguely aware of before. I can see how these oscillations occasionally surface and manifest as my soundprint in the two dimensional.

The Word of God is in 3d. It is a complete, perfect wave. Our job is to bring ourselves closer and closer to the wave that has been fleshed out by our Lord Jesus Christ. God helps with that. He sends the Holy Spirit to gently crop the peaks and fill the valleys. It's a lifelong process, and sometimes we can't really see the result, for we are so used to looking at everything, including ourselves, in 2d. Open my eyes Lord. Open my eyes to this inner world. I have been looking at a 3d graph in 2d, cutting cross-section after cross-section, never fully comprehending the wave in its entirety. To me, it's seem hopelessly complicated. That's why I get depressed everytime I look back. I look back with limited eyes. A 3d show without 3d glasses frustrates and depresses. I need those 3d glasses of yours. Helmet of Salvation, breastplate of Righteousness, girdle of Truth, shoes of preparation of the Gospel, the shield of Faith, the Word, your Blood, your Name, praying in tongues. Deck me out in your finest, for here I am, send me. Nothing in my hands except the weapons you give me, sharped everyday by your wisdom. Naked as the day I was born, but for armour you give me, renewed everyday by my prayer for your strength and love. I am proud, Lord. To quote a Delirious song, blow away my pride with your Holy Fire! Burn in me, this imperfect specimen, made perfect,redeemed, forgiven, cleansed, sanctified. You have disarmed principalities and powers, Col 2:15. All Satan has is bluff, guilt. I will not fall for those tricks of his. Guide me Lord, be the light unto my feet. Keep me safe on this narrow road you have called me to walk.

Actions speak louder then words. As I finish up this post, give me the strength to do what I have to do, and to not do what I'm not supposed to. In the most precious and holy name of Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.

Peace Please, I Can't Take It.

Mmm. Arnott's Cheds, "A crisp cracker with a baked on cheddar cheese flavour". $5 for 250g of cheese flavoured crackers. What can I say, I'm a sucker for cheese. Hrm, the biscuit is kinda standard, but the cheese is ... cheese flavoured salt. 2.8g of sodium for the whole packet. Keep in mind that sodium RDA is about 2g for the whole day, and I'm already halfway through.

Wierd. I look at other people's blogs, and they are really eager to share their day with everyone. Share their feelings, share their life. I don't feel that urge. It's almost non-existent. Why is that so? I'm an introvert, yes, but plenty of introverts keep blogs. In fact, I'd think that introverts keep more extensive blogs then other people due to the fact that they don't have many people to share with. I seem to have some social dysfunctionality...

I don't even know why I don't want to blog. I do have stuff to blog about, convoluted internal thought processes about faith, my outing to the Botanical Gardens on Saturday, the fantastic service on Sunday, the almost-dinner today... Is it apathy? Maybe I haven't been talking about my life so often, so I'm not used to this.

Hrm, interestingly, why do I care. It seems that my desire to fit in with the crowd is much stronger then I thought. I looked at everyone else who had a blog and compared them with me, percieving a flaw in me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have these irrational social urges. Just on Sunday, when I did something wrong, I felt a very strong urge to talk about it, and ended up talking to someone wasn't even involved in the situation. Thoroughly irrational.

I think this blog is bringing up my supressed emotions. Right now I'm feeling really lonely, and there's an intense want to just call someone, to talk to someone. Ha, just took a few minutes break, just lying on my sofa, thinking about this post. I realised that I do have the urge to share after all. Sometimes, I feel like sharing about my revelations during service. However, after service, the feeling kinda... fades away. Is it suppressed, or is it a fleeting impulse? I think I'm really good at suppressing emotions, so good that I don't know that I'm even suppressing them. Is it? I don't know. Is this blog a conduit for the suppressed thoughts, or is it a creator of them? I guess this blog helps me chart the deepest, darkest corner of my life. My lack of self-esteem, my hunger to feel truly loved and accepted, the procrastination that permeates deep into my life, fear of failure, fear of rejection, intense apathy about things that should matter most to me, hypocrisy, every skeleton in my closet comes out here. Some people refuse to admit that they have the problems. They think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's not there. Most people are aware of their problems, but don't really think about it. An unfortunate minority are somehow forced to look at the blinding darkness and comprehend it, make sense of the tangled spaghetti of thoughts and emotions. Everyone has some sort of problem, it's just that they are not fully aware of it. They don't think how, or why. They don't think.

I'm getting dangerously close to depression here. Brooding on the past is one of the hallmarks of depression, if I recall correctly. Why can't I think about myself without getting depressed. I just want answers on why I do things, and my motives behind them. Simple, clear-cut questions are met with a myriad of answers, each with its own accompanying analysis. I'm tempted not to think about all these, but it is the way forward? Is not thinking the way forward? I just feel like screaming out, just to let everything out. Am I doing this because it's late and I'm tired? Am I feeling like that because I'm disposed towards depressing myself on blogs? Am I just releasing supressed emotions? SIMPLE QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWER! AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!

The "I Forgot to Add a Title" Title

Finally, something positive to post on my blog!

Today's Mid-Autumn Festival Celebration-cum-outreach was a great success! We had 9 friends come today, Alina, her cousin Christie (I think, I've never been good with names >.<), her friend Nigel, Mikki's friend Jazz, friend of Boderic (hope I spelt this right), Naresh's friend Foo, Wen Jie's friend Calvin, my friend Kah Hou, SamKYJer's friend Rui Ling. Thank you Jesus, for bringing to us the people that you have paid for with your life. Give us your love, love that only you can give so that we may in turn love every single one of the friends that have come today. W426 leans on you Lord, we give you all of us, for all of you. Help us integrate the friends, meet their needs, love them, care for them, be there for them, teach them more about you. Show them your love, Lord, I believe that they just need your touch. Help them with the decision to accept you.

Hrm, I'm pretty tired, getting a bit rambling, not even sure that what I just typed made sense. I do, however, mean it from the bottom of my heart, just that the connection between my heart and my brain and my fingers are a bit clouded from fatigue right now. =P God bless all of you!

EDIT: Well, it's Christine, not Christie. Thanks ... Christine? Hrm, interesting aberration. I just took a look at Rhinestic's profile. Christine there doesn't look like the Christine who came. Maybe I remembered the face wrongly. Either that, or they are both Christines. Which is really wierd, since why would that Christine wander to my blog to correct the name of the other Christine...

object.beneficial.value = (object.ease_of_doing.value)^3

Sincerity, when in doubt
Prayer is an attitude
The reality of wind in my hair.
Better God last then no God at all.

Hrm ok. Thoughts for the moment captured down. Kinda of a reminder of what I want to say, before I forget and it gets lost in this angsty brain of mine...

Wow, I'm just sitting in my living room in total darkness, feeling the gentle breeze blowing in through my window. This is real, not the tortured world I sometimes hold in my mind. This is real, this is right now. I've got to hold on to it.

I'm scared. Thoughts just ran through my mind, asking me if I was being true to myself, if it was what I really felt. I felt like a faker, who was typing for the world, instead of typing for me. Everytime I post here, I feel depressed. Is it the writing that causes me to be depressed and think depressing thoughts, or is this depression inherent inside of me, with blogging being the only outlet? I'm opening this can of piranhas, just dying to get out, dying to eat me alive as it had only a year ago. I have to find out where God is in all this mess. He'll make everything right. I just have to find the proper place, the place where he slots in, and he'll make this right.

Hrm, I'm reminded of the speech given by the Oral Roberts guy that came over to speak at our SoT graduation ceremony. He told us about some basic human questions, and God's answer to them. One of them was a question of identity, "Who am I?" He tells us that we have to find our identity from God, ask him who we are in him. Something to that effect, anyway. Also reminded of the importance of finding the promises God has for you in the Bible, to always keep them close to my heart, to always confess with my lips what I believe in. I don't know why I just typed that, it just felt like the right thing to do. Maybe tomorrow morning, with it's rejuvenation of sleep will reveal some answers.

Hrm. That feeling of not wanting to blog just kicked in again. I'm not sure what it is, why it's there, what the effects of it are, and whether I should listen to it. Am I afraid of revealing too much? Am I just tired from the emotional outpouring? I have no idea, at least, not now. I seem to have so many things I want to say just floating at the back of my head, I just lack the patience to type them all out...

I'll finish up the rest tomorrow. If I don't lose interest. Prayer being an attitude is pretty big though, can't wait to share. I seem to have a disposition to have an intense compulsion to not do the things that benefit me the most. Prayer, reading the Bible, seeking God in everything I do, study, I seem to have the hardest time with those....

Ah well, enough rambling for now. *clicks Post*

Some Things Are Not Meant To Be Written

I find it kind of frustrating that there are some things that I just can't post on my blog. Moderating this frustration is the frustration of not being heard, not getting the message out. There are so many questions inside of me that I want to ask, but none of these questions will ever see the light of day, because darkness, by default, does not belong in the day. It belongs in the closet, along with all the other skeletons that you hide from other people, the different masks you put on everyday. Being a Christian means you have to open the closet, open it up to God who removes the doors, clean it out, and repaint it. God knows how many closets of mine have been sanctified. However, there are some stubborn closets that just refuse to open, defying all efforts, staying shut like some... medieval castle. Somewhere along the way, I lost the key to the drawbridge, so those castles still stand surrounded by their moat, castles which I am afraid to name. Still others lurk in the recesses of my unconscious, at best vaguely noticed by me. Sometimes, I wish cleaning myself up would be as easy as ... Wow, I've really depressed myself. I was thinking of putting cutting myself, as I don't mind the one-off pain in exchange for emotional release, but I don't want people to think I'm suicidal again. I haven't been, for a long time. I can finally look down 28 floors from my window and not think about ending it all. Oh yeah, I try not to use the backspace, unless in the case of grammatical errors, so I really get to let my emotions have free reign. I don't even know if what I'm writing now is a true reflection of the emotional state inside of me. I'm just so tired of second-guessing myself, examining my motives behind my every action. The Bible tells us to let our Yes be Yes, and our No be No. Sounds rather obvious, but when put into context of my life, it's one of the hardest things to do. I may never be able to fully understand my inner state, my desires, my motivations. Wierd, writing on blogs always depresses me, but as I said, is this depression inherent, expertly suppressed through years of practice, or just an aberrant personality quirk floating up when I start getting introspective. Haha, thoughts on whether people would think if I'm purposely inserting bombastic words into the post to make it look smarter just surfaced in my mind. I don't, not on a concious level. Is it an unconscious thing? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I HATE NOT KNOWING, BUT I DON'T. Sucks not knowing. I mean, you can be a all consecrated, obedient Christian on the conscious level, but be a perverse, twisted individual in the unconscious plane. Then again, can you? I guess not, God promises us that we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus that was shed for us. Admittedly, it's really hard to grasp that concept. I know it, but I can't say that I understand it. I choose to believe in it, but my subconscious and unconscious reject it because they don't understand it, and what they don't understand, they can't accept. I understand God's love, as I have personally experienced it before, but on what experience would I base forgiveness on? Why do I have to ask so many questions? Why can't I be like other people? "God loves you!" "Great!", then they go off and embrace God's love as if it's the most natural thing to do. Whatever they are taught, they accept, they generally don't question. They know and accept, while I can only accept, and hope it sinks down to the knowing part. Double-mindedness, that's what it's called. I do vaguely remember Shaun talking to me about it before, but I think that my double-mindedness is rather... different from other people. My alter ego is much stronger, and sometimes I'm confused where the real me is. Is it that selfish, lying, insensitive, rude individual or is it the loving, kind, responsible gentleman-in-training? Is there 2 layers of me that will forever be stuck together? You know, it could be that I'm just fabricating the whole thing just to facilitate my excuses that I cannot control what I do. Perhaps, I created this lie to escape the truth. Did I? I DON'T KNOW. ARRGH! Why?

Hrm, I'm falling into a lot of self-pity. Pretty central theme for most of my blog posts. Let's try answers instead of more questions. Looking back, I just wonder, "Can God solve all these problems?" Very frankly, deep down inside, I'm unsure. God has changed my life so much, helped me with my depression, my suicidal thoughts, got me out of the madhouse, into HIS house, gave me two of the best cell groups ever, gave me a cell group leader that is so supportive, gentle but firm, Mikki, who really helps me along, the Holy Trinity, but still I doubt. Human, thoroughly human through and through. I guess that what I can do, is to consciously believe, and leave the rest to God. I have no control over what goes on beneath, so I guess I won't be penalised for that lack of faith there. Kinda cool how answers just pop out as I'm typing. I'm not even actively thinking, it's 2 a.m in the morning, not exactly in the best state of mind right now, but still answers are flowing. Thank God. =D

Well, kinda feel a bit better after that monologue. I realised that I always type as if I'm speaking to an invisible someone, and that my thoughts are all jumbled together and not coherently organised, so if you stumbled across this blog expecting brilliantly written prose .... go somewhere else. =P

Good night world, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite. Sweet dreams, honey~~

Desire to Blog = Reciprocal of Time Since Last Post

Wow, it's been a long time. Wonder if anyone still reads this blog. Hrm, don't really feel particularly introspective right now. Maybe I'll post an update on my life later. Back to study!

Refreshed

Hehe, another post in the dead of the night. Just got off the phone with Mark, spent a good couple of hours talking about spiritual life and other stuff that we're concerned about. I always feel better when I talk to him, always learning something new from Mark, teaching Mark stuff I've learnt along the way.

Cell group yesterday was different. We had visitors from Korea come. Had fun, attempted to learn a Korean worship song. Not a bad attempt, I'd think. We also had our first prophesying session, where a young member would pair up with an older member, and we would attempt to prophesy over one another's life. The Koreans got a bit confused, so Shaun demonstrated by prophesying for Mikki. Even though it was a demonstration, Mikki really got a "double portion" of the spirit, and one could see that she was really blessed by the prayer. I want to get to the stage where I can discern the voice of the Holy Spirit among the countless inner voices that clamour for my attention, really listening to what He is telling me, the plans that he has for me. Mikki later prayed over me. She told me that the Lord is telling me that I wasn't alone. My previous post was my realisation of my loneliness, and here was the Lord telling me that I'm not alone... I really just cried then and there. Thank God for bringing me back.

Loneliness is chronic

I'm a lonely person. I have this gnawing emptiness inside of me that makes me want to just scream out loud to the world, makes me want to break down and cry. I have on occasion been so consumed by this force that it takes all I have just to stop myself from jumping out of my window, gripping the windowsill tightly with both hands, forcing myself to step away from the window. It got better ever since I went to church, and really got into the religion, the lifestyle that is Christianity. However, it's been downhill for these past few weeks, as my spiritual life has seriously suffered, partly due to an extended illness which caused me to miss almost 2 weeks of church and related activities. and also partly because of my own apathy. I really should be doing my quiet time, but when the time comes, I just never get down to it. I've done less then 15 min of quiet time this month. Shocking huh? I feel like a cheat, going to church, putting on this facade that I'm ok, when inside I'm not ok, where inside I feel dirty, disconnected from the rest of the people. I think the cell group knows about this, just that they haven't gotten around to speak to me yet. I wonder when my time will come, when I have to make the choice. What path will I take? Will I walk down the broad road to destruction, giving in to my carnal nature, or will I choose to stick to the narrow path, crucifying myself everyday just to keep myself going? I guess I have a harder time then most people when it comes to self-control. I have absolutely no self-control, and it takes an obscene amount of psychic power to do something I don't like. Haha, I just noticed that I'm kinda rambling here, jumping from loneliness to spiritual dryness to lack of self-control. I guess these are some of the things I have to get out of my system. Technically, I'm not allowed to be on the computer right now. I have a "No more computer after 12" curfew, and it's ... 1.37 a.m now. Oh well. Back to loneliness! The emptiness only lets up when I talk to someone, when I interact with people. It doesn't have to be anyone I particularly like, I just need to talk. When it stops, however, I kinda crash emotionally, feeling depressed. Perhaps I'm just sad it ended. I guess it'll sound weird to most people, this emptiness of mine. I don't think I'm very normal compared to other people in that respect. I just got scolded by my sister for a lack of self discipline. Got up from her nap on the couch and just shot me, "Why no self-discipline?" Heh, case in point. I don't get as much satisfaction from my relationships and interactions with people as normal people do. Everything seems so superficial, so shallow to me. I don't feel that I'm getting anything out of the relationship, that I'm just "there". It's probably me I guess. Lack of social skills, apathy towards really putting in the effort in a relationship. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have all the damned answers, now I have to act upon them, which is of course the hardest part. Life sucks.