Refreshed

Hehe, another post in the dead of the night. Just got off the phone with Mark, spent a good couple of hours talking about spiritual life and other stuff that we're concerned about. I always feel better when I talk to him, always learning something new from Mark, teaching Mark stuff I've learnt along the way.

Cell group yesterday was different. We had visitors from Korea come. Had fun, attempted to learn a Korean worship song. Not a bad attempt, I'd think. We also had our first prophesying session, where a young member would pair up with an older member, and we would attempt to prophesy over one another's life. The Koreans got a bit confused, so Shaun demonstrated by prophesying for Mikki. Even though it was a demonstration, Mikki really got a "double portion" of the spirit, and one could see that she was really blessed by the prayer. I want to get to the stage where I can discern the voice of the Holy Spirit among the countless inner voices that clamour for my attention, really listening to what He is telling me, the plans that he has for me. Mikki later prayed over me. She told me that the Lord is telling me that I wasn't alone. My previous post was my realisation of my loneliness, and here was the Lord telling me that I'm not alone... I really just cried then and there. Thank God for bringing me back.

Loneliness is chronic

I'm a lonely person. I have this gnawing emptiness inside of me that makes me want to just scream out loud to the world, makes me want to break down and cry. I have on occasion been so consumed by this force that it takes all I have just to stop myself from jumping out of my window, gripping the windowsill tightly with both hands, forcing myself to step away from the window. It got better ever since I went to church, and really got into the religion, the lifestyle that is Christianity. However, it's been downhill for these past few weeks, as my spiritual life has seriously suffered, partly due to an extended illness which caused me to miss almost 2 weeks of church and related activities. and also partly because of my own apathy. I really should be doing my quiet time, but when the time comes, I just never get down to it. I've done less then 15 min of quiet time this month. Shocking huh? I feel like a cheat, going to church, putting on this facade that I'm ok, when inside I'm not ok, where inside I feel dirty, disconnected from the rest of the people. I think the cell group knows about this, just that they haven't gotten around to speak to me yet. I wonder when my time will come, when I have to make the choice. What path will I take? Will I walk down the broad road to destruction, giving in to my carnal nature, or will I choose to stick to the narrow path, crucifying myself everyday just to keep myself going? I guess I have a harder time then most people when it comes to self-control. I have absolutely no self-control, and it takes an obscene amount of psychic power to do something I don't like. Haha, I just noticed that I'm kinda rambling here, jumping from loneliness to spiritual dryness to lack of self-control. I guess these are some of the things I have to get out of my system. Technically, I'm not allowed to be on the computer right now. I have a "No more computer after 12" curfew, and it's ... 1.37 a.m now. Oh well. Back to loneliness! The emptiness only lets up when I talk to someone, when I interact with people. It doesn't have to be anyone I particularly like, I just need to talk. When it stops, however, I kinda crash emotionally, feeling depressed. Perhaps I'm just sad it ended. I guess it'll sound weird to most people, this emptiness of mine. I don't think I'm very normal compared to other people in that respect. I just got scolded by my sister for a lack of self discipline. Got up from her nap on the couch and just shot me, "Why no self-discipline?" Heh, case in point. I don't get as much satisfaction from my relationships and interactions with people as normal people do. Everything seems so superficial, so shallow to me. I don't feel that I'm getting anything out of the relationship, that I'm just "there". It's probably me I guess. Lack of social skills, apathy towards really putting in the effort in a relationship. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have all the damned answers, now I have to act upon them, which is of course the hardest part. Life sucks.