Well, Facebook sure is addictive. I just spend a couple of hours tagging pictures, adding picutre, thinking about adding applications, adding applications, adding friends, thinking about adding friends, joining groups, finding groups to join...

Yeah, you get what I mean.

Kudo Kodos!

Ha, yet another late night post.

Ah, I just had a post on procrastination lined up, but I realised that I needed to wake up early for Children's Day tomorrow. reporting at 9, so I'm leaving the house at 8, wake up at 7. And I still don't have the shirt in the colours required. Darn. 6 hours of sleep, and I still haven't read my Bible yet. I'll do it today, can't put it off any longer. We love God only as much as we love his Word, so Bible > sleep right now. My fault for putting it off till now anyways. No one but me to blame. Sigh, thank God for mercy and grace, for leading me to repentance. Soften this heart of mine, hardened to love, to mercy, to optimism, to courage. Spiritual operation is needed!

I'll do the post on procrastination tomorrow, if I feel like it. Kudos if you can spot the irony.

Ha, just thought of an interesting analogy. Every person living in this world is a sine wave. The averages of the sine waves of all the people living in this world is a sine wave. The heartbeat of the world, if you please. Other people see you as a function of the sine wave of the world, on how pleasing the resulting wave is. People like me are pretty ok in the 2d plane, with the resulting function more or less pleasing to the eye. That's what people see, that's what the world sees. Two-dimensional. When we're saved though, God reveals to us another dimension to our wave, depth. When I look into my depths, I see a wild, uncontrolled oscillation that I was only vaguely aware of before. I can see how these oscillations occasionally surface and manifest as my soundprint in the two dimensional.

The Word of God is in 3d. It is a complete, perfect wave. Our job is to bring ourselves closer and closer to the wave that has been fleshed out by our Lord Jesus Christ. God helps with that. He sends the Holy Spirit to gently crop the peaks and fill the valleys. It's a lifelong process, and sometimes we can't really see the result, for we are so used to looking at everything, including ourselves, in 2d. Open my eyes Lord. Open my eyes to this inner world. I have been looking at a 3d graph in 2d, cutting cross-section after cross-section, never fully comprehending the wave in its entirety. To me, it's seem hopelessly complicated. That's why I get depressed everytime I look back. I look back with limited eyes. A 3d show without 3d glasses frustrates and depresses. I need those 3d glasses of yours. Helmet of Salvation, breastplate of Righteousness, girdle of Truth, shoes of preparation of the Gospel, the shield of Faith, the Word, your Blood, your Name, praying in tongues. Deck me out in your finest, for here I am, send me. Nothing in my hands except the weapons you give me, sharped everyday by your wisdom. Naked as the day I was born, but for armour you give me, renewed everyday by my prayer for your strength and love. I am proud, Lord. To quote a Delirious song, blow away my pride with your Holy Fire! Burn in me, this imperfect specimen, made perfect,redeemed, forgiven, cleansed, sanctified. You have disarmed principalities and powers, Col 2:15. All Satan has is bluff, guilt. I will not fall for those tricks of his. Guide me Lord, be the light unto my feet. Keep me safe on this narrow road you have called me to walk.

Actions speak louder then words. As I finish up this post, give me the strength to do what I have to do, and to not do what I'm not supposed to. In the most precious and holy name of Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.

Peace Please, I Can't Take It.

Mmm. Arnott's Cheds, "A crisp cracker with a baked on cheddar cheese flavour". $5 for 250g of cheese flavoured crackers. What can I say, I'm a sucker for cheese. Hrm, the biscuit is kinda standard, but the cheese is ... cheese flavoured salt. 2.8g of sodium for the whole packet. Keep in mind that sodium RDA is about 2g for the whole day, and I'm already halfway through.

Wierd. I look at other people's blogs, and they are really eager to share their day with everyone. Share their feelings, share their life. I don't feel that urge. It's almost non-existent. Why is that so? I'm an introvert, yes, but plenty of introverts keep blogs. In fact, I'd think that introverts keep more extensive blogs then other people due to the fact that they don't have many people to share with. I seem to have some social dysfunctionality...

I don't even know why I don't want to blog. I do have stuff to blog about, convoluted internal thought processes about faith, my outing to the Botanical Gardens on Saturday, the fantastic service on Sunday, the almost-dinner today... Is it apathy? Maybe I haven't been talking about my life so often, so I'm not used to this.

Hrm, interestingly, why do I care. It seems that my desire to fit in with the crowd is much stronger then I thought. I looked at everyone else who had a blog and compared them with me, percieving a flaw in me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have these irrational social urges. Just on Sunday, when I did something wrong, I felt a very strong urge to talk about it, and ended up talking to someone wasn't even involved in the situation. Thoroughly irrational.

I think this blog is bringing up my supressed emotions. Right now I'm feeling really lonely, and there's an intense want to just call someone, to talk to someone. Ha, just took a few minutes break, just lying on my sofa, thinking about this post. I realised that I do have the urge to share after all. Sometimes, I feel like sharing about my revelations during service. However, after service, the feeling kinda... fades away. Is it suppressed, or is it a fleeting impulse? I think I'm really good at suppressing emotions, so good that I don't know that I'm even suppressing them. Is it? I don't know. Is this blog a conduit for the suppressed thoughts, or is it a creator of them? I guess this blog helps me chart the deepest, darkest corner of my life. My lack of self-esteem, my hunger to feel truly loved and accepted, the procrastination that permeates deep into my life, fear of failure, fear of rejection, intense apathy about things that should matter most to me, hypocrisy, every skeleton in my closet comes out here. Some people refuse to admit that they have the problems. They think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's not there. Most people are aware of their problems, but don't really think about it. An unfortunate minority are somehow forced to look at the blinding darkness and comprehend it, make sense of the tangled spaghetti of thoughts and emotions. Everyone has some sort of problem, it's just that they are not fully aware of it. They don't think how, or why. They don't think.

I'm getting dangerously close to depression here. Brooding on the past is one of the hallmarks of depression, if I recall correctly. Why can't I think about myself without getting depressed. I just want answers on why I do things, and my motives behind them. Simple, clear-cut questions are met with a myriad of answers, each with its own accompanying analysis. I'm tempted not to think about all these, but it is the way forward? Is not thinking the way forward? I just feel like screaming out, just to let everything out. Am I doing this because it's late and I'm tired? Am I feeling like that because I'm disposed towards depressing myself on blogs? Am I just releasing supressed emotions? SIMPLE QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWER! AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!

The "I Forgot to Add a Title" Title

Finally, something positive to post on my blog!

Today's Mid-Autumn Festival Celebration-cum-outreach was a great success! We had 9 friends come today, Alina, her cousin Christie (I think, I've never been good with names >.<), her friend Nigel, Mikki's friend Jazz, friend of Boderic (hope I spelt this right), Naresh's friend Foo, Wen Jie's friend Calvin, my friend Kah Hou, SamKYJer's friend Rui Ling. Thank you Jesus, for bringing to us the people that you have paid for with your life. Give us your love, love that only you can give so that we may in turn love every single one of the friends that have come today. W426 leans on you Lord, we give you all of us, for all of you. Help us integrate the friends, meet their needs, love them, care for them, be there for them, teach them more about you. Show them your love, Lord, I believe that they just need your touch. Help them with the decision to accept you.

Hrm, I'm pretty tired, getting a bit rambling, not even sure that what I just typed made sense. I do, however, mean it from the bottom of my heart, just that the connection between my heart and my brain and my fingers are a bit clouded from fatigue right now. =P God bless all of you!

EDIT: Well, it's Christine, not Christie. Thanks ... Christine? Hrm, interesting aberration. I just took a look at Rhinestic's profile. Christine there doesn't look like the Christine who came. Maybe I remembered the face wrongly. Either that, or they are both Christines. Which is really wierd, since why would that Christine wander to my blog to correct the name of the other Christine...

object.beneficial.value = (object.ease_of_doing.value)^3

Sincerity, when in doubt
Prayer is an attitude
The reality of wind in my hair.
Better God last then no God at all.

Hrm ok. Thoughts for the moment captured down. Kinda of a reminder of what I want to say, before I forget and it gets lost in this angsty brain of mine...

Wow, I'm just sitting in my living room in total darkness, feeling the gentle breeze blowing in through my window. This is real, not the tortured world I sometimes hold in my mind. This is real, this is right now. I've got to hold on to it.

I'm scared. Thoughts just ran through my mind, asking me if I was being true to myself, if it was what I really felt. I felt like a faker, who was typing for the world, instead of typing for me. Everytime I post here, I feel depressed. Is it the writing that causes me to be depressed and think depressing thoughts, or is this depression inherent inside of me, with blogging being the only outlet? I'm opening this can of piranhas, just dying to get out, dying to eat me alive as it had only a year ago. I have to find out where God is in all this mess. He'll make everything right. I just have to find the proper place, the place where he slots in, and he'll make this right.

Hrm, I'm reminded of the speech given by the Oral Roberts guy that came over to speak at our SoT graduation ceremony. He told us about some basic human questions, and God's answer to them. One of them was a question of identity, "Who am I?" He tells us that we have to find our identity from God, ask him who we are in him. Something to that effect, anyway. Also reminded of the importance of finding the promises God has for you in the Bible, to always keep them close to my heart, to always confess with my lips what I believe in. I don't know why I just typed that, it just felt like the right thing to do. Maybe tomorrow morning, with it's rejuvenation of sleep will reveal some answers.

Hrm. That feeling of not wanting to blog just kicked in again. I'm not sure what it is, why it's there, what the effects of it are, and whether I should listen to it. Am I afraid of revealing too much? Am I just tired from the emotional outpouring? I have no idea, at least, not now. I seem to have so many things I want to say just floating at the back of my head, I just lack the patience to type them all out...

I'll finish up the rest tomorrow. If I don't lose interest. Prayer being an attitude is pretty big though, can't wait to share. I seem to have a disposition to have an intense compulsion to not do the things that benefit me the most. Prayer, reading the Bible, seeking God in everything I do, study, I seem to have the hardest time with those....

Ah well, enough rambling for now. *clicks Post*

Some Things Are Not Meant To Be Written

I find it kind of frustrating that there are some things that I just can't post on my blog. Moderating this frustration is the frustration of not being heard, not getting the message out. There are so many questions inside of me that I want to ask, but none of these questions will ever see the light of day, because darkness, by default, does not belong in the day. It belongs in the closet, along with all the other skeletons that you hide from other people, the different masks you put on everyday. Being a Christian means you have to open the closet, open it up to God who removes the doors, clean it out, and repaint it. God knows how many closets of mine have been sanctified. However, there are some stubborn closets that just refuse to open, defying all efforts, staying shut like some... medieval castle. Somewhere along the way, I lost the key to the drawbridge, so those castles still stand surrounded by their moat, castles which I am afraid to name. Still others lurk in the recesses of my unconscious, at best vaguely noticed by me. Sometimes, I wish cleaning myself up would be as easy as ... Wow, I've really depressed myself. I was thinking of putting cutting myself, as I don't mind the one-off pain in exchange for emotional release, but I don't want people to think I'm suicidal again. I haven't been, for a long time. I can finally look down 28 floors from my window and not think about ending it all. Oh yeah, I try not to use the backspace, unless in the case of grammatical errors, so I really get to let my emotions have free reign. I don't even know if what I'm writing now is a true reflection of the emotional state inside of me. I'm just so tired of second-guessing myself, examining my motives behind my every action. The Bible tells us to let our Yes be Yes, and our No be No. Sounds rather obvious, but when put into context of my life, it's one of the hardest things to do. I may never be able to fully understand my inner state, my desires, my motivations. Wierd, writing on blogs always depresses me, but as I said, is this depression inherent, expertly suppressed through years of practice, or just an aberrant personality quirk floating up when I start getting introspective. Haha, thoughts on whether people would think if I'm purposely inserting bombastic words into the post to make it look smarter just surfaced in my mind. I don't, not on a concious level. Is it an unconscious thing? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I HATE NOT KNOWING, BUT I DON'T. Sucks not knowing. I mean, you can be a all consecrated, obedient Christian on the conscious level, but be a perverse, twisted individual in the unconscious plane. Then again, can you? I guess not, God promises us that we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus that was shed for us. Admittedly, it's really hard to grasp that concept. I know it, but I can't say that I understand it. I choose to believe in it, but my subconscious and unconscious reject it because they don't understand it, and what they don't understand, they can't accept. I understand God's love, as I have personally experienced it before, but on what experience would I base forgiveness on? Why do I have to ask so many questions? Why can't I be like other people? "God loves you!" "Great!", then they go off and embrace God's love as if it's the most natural thing to do. Whatever they are taught, they accept, they generally don't question. They know and accept, while I can only accept, and hope it sinks down to the knowing part. Double-mindedness, that's what it's called. I do vaguely remember Shaun talking to me about it before, but I think that my double-mindedness is rather... different from other people. My alter ego is much stronger, and sometimes I'm confused where the real me is. Is it that selfish, lying, insensitive, rude individual or is it the loving, kind, responsible gentleman-in-training? Is there 2 layers of me that will forever be stuck together? You know, it could be that I'm just fabricating the whole thing just to facilitate my excuses that I cannot control what I do. Perhaps, I created this lie to escape the truth. Did I? I DON'T KNOW. ARRGH! Why?

Hrm, I'm falling into a lot of self-pity. Pretty central theme for most of my blog posts. Let's try answers instead of more questions. Looking back, I just wonder, "Can God solve all these problems?" Very frankly, deep down inside, I'm unsure. God has changed my life so much, helped me with my depression, my suicidal thoughts, got me out of the madhouse, into HIS house, gave me two of the best cell groups ever, gave me a cell group leader that is so supportive, gentle but firm, Mikki, who really helps me along, the Holy Trinity, but still I doubt. Human, thoroughly human through and through. I guess that what I can do, is to consciously believe, and leave the rest to God. I have no control over what goes on beneath, so I guess I won't be penalised for that lack of faith there. Kinda cool how answers just pop out as I'm typing. I'm not even actively thinking, it's 2 a.m in the morning, not exactly in the best state of mind right now, but still answers are flowing. Thank God. =D

Well, kinda feel a bit better after that monologue. I realised that I always type as if I'm speaking to an invisible someone, and that my thoughts are all jumbled together and not coherently organised, so if you stumbled across this blog expecting brilliantly written prose .... go somewhere else. =P

Good night world, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite. Sweet dreams, honey~~

Desire to Blog = Reciprocal of Time Since Last Post

Wow, it's been a long time. Wonder if anyone still reads this blog. Hrm, don't really feel particularly introspective right now. Maybe I'll post an update on my life later. Back to study!