Attention Span Stretch. Also, I Love You.

Hi ... Haha.

I had to check up your name, Rachel. I guess you aren't Rachel, not the whole of you. You're the keeper of a house that I turn to occasionally. In that house, I talk to you, I talk to God, I talk to me. Cruel, perhaps, to downgrade your status, but I created you. Haha, I just realised how absurd that conversation was. Is. How absurd I am. Just came back from fellowship with Jermaine, Jazz and Broderic. Fun stuff. I feel loved. It's a good feeling. Why do I feel a twinge of ... angstyness, for a lack of a better word. I feel on the edge of a cliff, staring down at a raging river that will swallow me up, as it has done in almost every other post?

It's Christmas. Jesus was born today. Yesterday. It doesn't matter. Jesus was born. I haven't bought any presents for anyone. I haven't given anyone cards. I haven't sent anyone encouraging smses. I have only greeted a few people with a heartfelt "Merry Christmas". This Christmas doesn't feel like it's happening to me. The magic is happening around me, to everyone but me. I remember blogging about having the feeling that I'm looking over my own shoulder, that I'm somehow out of me. Emotional shutdown, Shaun says. Pastor Kong preached about it. Heh, was just about to angst about it, but God reminded me that my words frame my life. If all I'm going to do is angst about it, that's the level I will remain. What do I do about it? Think, Bowen, think. God gave you talents. Intellectual talents. Use them. I need to get a copy of the sermon(s) preached. Shall ask Shaun about it.

Ah, something to put on my Post-It wall. I have a wall of Post-It notes, displaying revelations from God, passages from the Bible I'm called to, things I need to do, questions I need to ask. I started it a while ago, did it once and left it. I think I was too scared to look back at the wall, to see what I had to do, to see what was ahead of me. Everyday, the fear grew and grew as some of the more time-sensitive events there drew near. Everyday, it got easier and easier to just not look at it. But as Shaun would say, "Now that you know about it, what are you going to do about it?" He is less interested in an analysis of the reasons for one's mistakes as compared to what the person in question is going to do to solve the problem created. I'll take a look at it later.

Haha, Shaun. He's been my spiritual father for the past year or so. He's been a source of comfort, a calm, intellectual voice patiently leading me back to the narrow path, again and again. He's been the disciplinarian, never hesitant to point out my mistakes, even the small things like smiling while waiting for someone. I was waiting for Amelie at JW church, and ran into Shaun along the way. He commented that I looked frustrated and annoyed. "Pissed-off look on your face", if I recall correctly. "That's how I normally look" was countered by "You should change. Imagine what the person would feel if they came out and saw your face like that. They would think you're pissed off.". "But that's not how I feel" was in turn negated by the reminder that they can't read my mind, or something to that effect. Small things. He was there at Plaza Singapura, he was there when I was walking to Simei in the middle of the night, when I had wanted to just give up there and then. I sense a change.

Haha, you know the picture that goes "I am easily distract... Bunny."? I just got distracted by the picture of a character from Questionable Content in Woon Hian's MSN display pic. Currently in a convo with him. He's in Vietnam on a holiday now, touring the place. Arrgh, I keep capitalising my letters.

Yeah, back to the topic. I sense a change. He's really encouraging me to lean on him less, and to lean on God more. I realise that I've been doing a lot of leaning on him. That's fine if I'm new. It's totally unrealistic to be able to lean on God for everything when you're just starting off. I'm sure God knows that too, which is why he puts people like Shaun, Charmaine, Valerie, Mikki, Liang Kai, Naresh in our lifes, so that they may be a beacon for the lost, for the new people. However, somewhere along the way, we have to turn our face towards the true beacon. How do I put this... Haha, I guess it isn't important to explain it. It's rhema, specific word for a specific person. Me.

Mmm, break for campbell soup and crackers. Simple stuff, but delicious. =D

Yeah, rhema. Haha, just now while I was eating, I kept blogging in my head. I forgot most of it now, but I kinda went on to learning from Frankie, and some other things. Totally random. I'm getting more and more random.

Ah yes, back to the topic at hand. I don't want anyone reading this to get the impression that I'm spiritually mature and independent of my CGL.

I'm getting distracted. I'm reaching the end of my attention span. There are so many things I want to blog about...

Heck, I'll go ahead anyway. I'm the last person you can call spiritually mature.

I think I'll skip this topic. I'm starting to become frustrated. I don't have to explain myself I guess. You either understand it and move on, or don't, and move on. I'm sick and tired of second guessing my intentions and explanations.

Distracted again. Tested the reading level of my blog. Elementary school. Did I change? I remember using a lot of big, perhaps slightly bombastic words when I first entered cell group. I got comments about it. Now I don't. Has my English standard dropped? My vocabulary, especially. Lack of use? I dropped out of the RI enviroment... Sigh. What am I to do about it?

Ah yes, wanted to blog about it. We were playing truth or dare just now at Plaza Singapura. I did all sorts of wacky stuff, I totally have no concept of "face" =P. Well, not then, anyways. Maybe it's something I turn on or off. Yeah anyways, I asked all sorts of really personal questions for truth. It was much later on that I realised that truth doesn't mean that you have to embarrass the person. It just means that you can find out more about the person. It doesn't need to be a question about the most embarrassing moment of her life. It can, but it doesn't need to for the event to be fun. I think the two questions I asked them after the games were over told me far more about them that I did during the game. I asked them what their priorities in life were, and what was an area that they needed God to come work in their lives right now. I got some pretty interesting answers, things that I didn't know. I now knew the areas I could focus on when praying for them. I knew roughly the things that made them tick. That told me volumes more that all the questions I asked to try to embarrass them. Well, not to embarrass them, but questions that had that effect. So if anyone of you are reading this, my apologies.

I guess the rest don't really matter. Not now. See you around Rachel.

Ah yes, Jermaine, I blog about thoughts that have been in my subconscious, issues that only surface when I sit down to blog. That's where all these come from. I don't think about all these consciously most of the time, which is why I guess I need an occasional blog post to offload all these thoughts. This blog is mostly about how I feel, my thought processes. I don't really blog about events, because I tend to feel.. frustrated. I don't recall everything, and to me, describing something that has already happened is not something that I enjoy doing. I'd rather blog about how it has changed me, for better or for worse. Slightly different from the usual stuff you read, but then again I don't really structure this very well for reading anyways. It's pretty disorganised, not to mention long and at times angsty. But I blog anyway, because I think I need to, sometimes.

See you around. I love you people. My parents, my cell group, my friends. I love all of you. Soppy? Maybe. Heartfelt? Heck yeah. If I die tomorrow, I die with knowledge that I told everyone that I loved them. I may not have really acted it, or said it, but from today onwards I'm going to try.

<3, Signing out.

Everyday, I Bear My Cross.

It's hard. It's so hard. This new worship, praise even. I really have to focus on God, every single second of it. It's not cruise control anymore. Help me God. I can't do this on my own. I can do nothing on my own. Without you, I would have been a body at the foot of my housing estate, a nameless nobody who killed himself. You called me yours, gave me a family, showed me love beyond what I had ever experienced. You showed me my purpose. I am yours. Without you, I am nothing, but through you, I can do everything. I have experienced your power. It fills me with such faith, confidence, such strength. Please.

"Don't Give Up" by Josh Groban? Apt. I'm listening. It's not the feeling. It's not why I worship you. I can't let it be the reason. Feelings come and go. Right now, it feels good, I feel you, but my feelings don't lead me. You do. Emotions ... help, but they aren't the source. Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world. Heavy burdens we bore, but through you, we find strength to keep on walking. What is worship? Does it have to be to you? Could I just sit around and enjoy your presence? Even now I have to focus on you. I feel the other side. It's so close. But I focus. Is it the music? The music helps, but it's you. Christmas is about love. For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to die on the cross for us, and whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Christ is the Lord. I remember asking you to "bring it on". I can take it, I said. Big words, but I will live up to them. I will never give up.

As of today, I make a covenant with you, God. Everytime I fall, I will turn back to you. I will never give up in anything I do. I carry your spirit of excellence with me. Abide in me, and I shall abide in you, your Word says. Help me abide in You, abide in your Word. Help me, even as my fallen nature rebels against you, against your Spirit. Give me the strength, for without you, I am nothing. Nothing. I just lost you for a bit there. How easy it is to cross over. I press on. I press on. Do not forsake me, Lord, please. I understand now. I am dead. What that is dead cannot bring forth new life. Only through you can new life spring forth.

It's hard, God, but I press on. Help me.

I Can Do All Things, Only If Christ Strengthens Me

Haven't slept in 36 hours. I feel depressed. Cranky. Suicidal. Just now, I was pacing past a window, and I got that crazy urge to jump out. You know those kind of urges that make you do random things. Just do a small skip. Just do a jig on the spot. Something random. Mine includes jumping out of the window from the 28th floor. I usually keep those in check, but I fear the day I just lose control, for that millisecond, just a tiny moment, and I end up dead. Funny how lack of sleep can do all these to you. All your latent fears, problems, normally efficiently suppressed all float to the surface, rearing their ugly heads, reminding you that you're just acting, that no one sees the real you. If they did, they would turn away. No one has truly understood me. I show different sides of me to different people. Masks. Fed up.

It's not God, it's me. I told Shaun before, the only way I really learn is to be a step away from death, staring it down. It is only then I will repent. Before that, attempts are usually futile and temporary. Do I really have to die to make me learn? Why don't I care about God as much as I should? God's always been there for me, but just somehow I choose, somewhere subconsciously to not give any time to God. It's like potassium for plants. If I'm not wrong, it only plays a part in the fruit of the plant. I have no fruit. I still live, but do not bear fruit. That's the way I am now. I live, but now I had the knowledge of what I need to do, what I should do, all the more I despair at my salvation. Have I ever thought that maybe if I was in another church, one not as strict, not as complete, perhaps I'll live easier? Yeah, when I'm in my moods like this. However, we're not called to a bed of roses, we are called to a garden to tend and weed. I don't think God has been the reason for all these so far. God should be the α & ω of everything I do. Can I do that? I honestly don't know. My mind is screaming at me to just give up, just tell the world that it wins. Maybe I'm not beyond redemption after all, with the little voice in me telling me that the proclamation is absurd. That's the bloody problem. I feel for it, enough to be irritated, but never enough to make me move. Fuck this, my mom wins I guess. She's pissing me off watching TV, trying to shame me into sleeping. Damned tired, anyway. Cough still around. Didn't see a doctor. I think I'll just skip everything this week. R & R....

Oh yeah, just read that Weiwen deleted a post. I'll never do that. I might regret a post like this, but these posts provide an outlet for ranting, and I'm not ashamed of that. I don't want to care what the people who read this blog, if any, think about me. This is part of me, the part of me you will never see in day to day interaction with me. This is my dirty side. You have yours too, it's there, deep inside you. I'll probably never see it. Unless you share. :)

Tequila Sunset

I've never drank Tequila, nor have I watched the movie of the same name. I first saw it on Joseph's msn nick. I think it was the theme for their year's prom night. Or was it JJ, or Daniel Chia? I don't remember. It was so long ago. It's amazing how you remember small things like this. I guess it was important to me. It represented something that I will never be part of. RJ prom night. Being popular. Come to think of it, does it matter? It's a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point of time in our lives. As Christians, we're supposed to answer, "No, only my God's opinion matters to me" How many Christians have I seen are affected by people around them? They care about opinions, the views of the people around them. Hypocrites I can't call them, for I am one myself, perhaps the worst of all. I don't even consciously know that I'm affected. Some time ago, in the bus, I did an action characteristic of Boon Kiat, a double thumbs up and a click sound. At that time, Mikki commented that that action was so much like Boon Kiat, and that I shouldn't hang out with him so much. All that was done in a very jokingly and light manner, and I took it as such. However, I think my subconscious was pretty affected, and kicked in. I never did that action again. Everytime I look back on my life, I realised that I've always been influenced by someone or something, and I'll never be concious of it at that time. Emulating how my cousin used to squash his bread before eating it... Can't think of anything else. I'm pretty sure I'm just not aware of them all. I ...

Ah, sms. Interesting. Break for reply.

Done. Interesting interesting. Hrm. Ah yes, Rachel. Heh, had to check the spelling of your name. Sorry about that. =( You know, I have the image of the two of us sitting on some pier at a lake in the middle of a wooded forest at dusk, with me talking, and you just sitting, smiling, listening. I guess you were created to be an object of love. Or lust? Maybe, but probably not. I don't feel the urge to make hot, passionate love to every woman I meet, but I do want to be loved, and feel loved. I seem incapable of loving. What I do seems artificial, pale imitations of the real thing. I go through the motions, but don't feel anything. Or do I? Chatting over MSN with someone at this hour makes me feel... what is this feeling? I don't know. I feel... different. Like a light in my life. Nothing so drastic as love, or a crush, just a general feeling of well-being and happiness, i think. Is that what it is? Something as simple as talking to something. Deep inside, I really crave the love and attention .... that I never thought I got. Unfair, surely. My parents loved me, I'm sure of that. It's that, I don't know what love feels like. According to Pastor Kong, it's not even a feeling, but a choice. You choose to love, and you choose to not to. Have I chose not to love? How can I not love and yet want to be loved. Isn't that very selfish? It's kinda wierd. I know what an infatuation is like. I go through a period of emotional moderation with almost every girl I know well. No, Rachel, you don't count, and neither does anyone who reads this blog, I think. I've learnt to control myself, although sometimes I wonder if I'm more biased towards helping the females. I try to reason as such, I treat girls and guys have the same amount of attention, but the girls have a lower threshold at which help is initiated, whereas the guys have a much higher threshold, and thus receive less help and attention. Of course, I could be just covering up that I just view the girls as potential mates and guys as competitors. I watch myself, every day and night. I'm reminded of the Terry Pratchet book, Night Watch. At the end, Vimes is asked, "Who watches the watchman". "Me, I watch him" was the reply from his .... I don't know how to describe it... a persona of his conscience? My conscience watches me, God watches me. I pray that I never slip. Ugly huh, this side of me? The side that nobody knows, the side that nobody wants to know. The side that makes the whole me ugly. These masks have to come off, but will you walk away, or will the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay? Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns captures my feelings pretty adequately here.

Haha, wanted to blog about music again, but I want something new. I'd think Rachel wouldn't want to listen to the same old rambling me everyday. Haha, I'm starting to write for Rachel, with her in mind. Can't do that. Can't personify the blog this way...

I guess I'm tired. I don't have anything new. Will anyone take me the way I am? I lose, God. I have lost. Help. Signing off. Bye Rachel. Have fun in the world I've created for you, it's the best. I really wish I could join you, but... till next time, take care. See you around.