I Thought I Saw A Man Brought To Life

I realised that I'm getting vainer about my outside than about my inside. I'm turning into the kind of people I despise, the kind of Christian that cares about their outward look above their inner state and their relationship with God. If I had to, I'll give this all up, but I don't have to. I just have to work at the relationship, work at the guidebook to the relationship, work with the matchmaker to the relationship.

nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
this is how I feel
cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed
into something real
I'm wide awake and
I can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
I'm already torn

Let it not be too late for me tonight Lord. Let it not be too late.

I'm Dreaming Of A Light Christmas

Today is Christmas, and I screwed it up. The whole day. Every moment of it. I'm turning into one of those ranters, those emo kids who are so wrapped up in their own problems, where their own problem is so big that they never see the larger picture, they never the see the picture where what they did can be apologised for, forgiven, and relationships mended. They never see the picture where other people are involved in the process, where other people are hurt by their thoughtless actions, they never see. Open my eyes, God. Open my eyes this Christmas. I want to see as you see, think as you think, feel as you feel, and most importantly, do as you do. Forgive me for what I cannot do, for what I will not do, for what I have not done. Give me the strength this Christmas...

I spent the Christmas countdown with the most important person in my life. 11.30, and I was still walking around, finding a bus that didn't take as long as 700A. Finally found the Esplanade bus-stop, and ending up missing the bus. I was disappointed, questioning God about His plans for me that day. I doing something nice, going the extra mile, and because of that, coupled with desire to arrive early to countdown with the others, missed the last bus. That...feeling that threatened to spill over into bitterness festered in my heart, questions floating around my head like little insects buzzing annoyingly that just won't go away.

Right then, in, I decided to take out my iPod for a spin. Taking it out, I found a candy cane, with a red peg. It was the one Mikki gave us before service as a mini-Christmas gift. That touched my heart, and through that peg, through the love action behind the peg, faith and hope begun to revive in my heart. At around the same time, I passed by a random group of people singing. I thought they were singing some pop song at first, but it turned out that they were singing praise songs. Those two events really motivated me. "God will provide" I told KY, and indeed although I reached the countdown an hour and a half late, I had a great time on the train, listening to my christian music and just enjoying the time I had with God.

It was pretty fun, but I shouldn't have stayed. I had bussing at 9.30, and I shouldn't have stayed. That was certainly not wise. I did get a nudge about it, but I ignored it all too easily. I shouldn't have stayed. I lost my wallet then. I think I left it at the coffeeshop, or at the playground. I couldn't find it the next morning. Everything went downhill from there. I let it. I let my emotions overwhelm me. I turned off my phone, didn't show up for bussing, didn't show up for service, slept and played the day away. I let a lot of people down today. Most of all, I let God down today.

There are 2 and a half hours left till Christmas ends. Can things change? Can I start restoring relationships, building bridges I've burnt today? Christmas is a season of hope. Hope in the restoring blood of Jesus, hope that things will change for the better.

Jermaine is right. Probing questions, she asks. A change in mindset is needed, which is of course the hardest thing to change. Funny huh. We seek to control the world, bringing it into submission through landscaping, climate control, artificial barriers to keep nature out, artificial barriers to keep nature in. All these, when the hardest to control is actually our inner world. How neat is your city today, Bowen? How many half-built buildings? How many apparently solid buildings built on sand, how many buildings with glistening facades, but rotting inside? Why are there slums at the side of your city, high concrete barriers keeping them out of sight? Their filth overflows into your life, threatening everything you want to believe in, everything you want to live for. What can you do about them this Christmas, Bowen?

Right now, my SMARTER 2009 goal card is on the floor. I'll do it tonight, think and pray about it. I owe an explanation and apology to everyone involved. It's not so big, but it's not small. I'll get it done.

My wallet, I haven't told my parents about it. I don't know how to. I just bought it, spent quite a bit of their money on it, and now I tell them that I've lost it? Actually, I do know how to, it just that I don't dare to. I don't want to face the music, clinging on to the hope that it'll appear somewhere. Will it? It's up to God I guess.

I am tired this Christmas. I never liked Christmas. I never liked holidays where other people celebrate. It makes me feel alone. Let this Christmas be different. Let this Christmas be full of light. God bless, and to all, a good night.

Glory To Our King, Strength And Majesty

Bah, I think too much and overanalyse. Apparently the belowmentioned didn't realise anything. Ah well.

Thanks go out to Jermaine! I forgot my keys, and my phone was out of battery. I didn't want to wake the house up, so I fired up my laptop and started doing "wireless tai-chi" to try to get my house wireless connection. Got it after a few tries, and messaged Jermaine to sms my sister to help me open the door. She offered to call instead, and the day was saved. My sister hadn't slept yet, thank God. And neither had Jermaine, thank God too. It's friends like this who, without even asking, risk the wrath of a maybe sleeping sister to get you where you need to be. Hurrah for Jermaine!

Today was cool, hung out with and helped Mikki Charis, Bee Leng and Rayvin with a small project. Hanging out with leaders really teaches you a lot about how things could be. Their attitude towards a project, their single-minded dedication tempered with tremendous flexibility, their care and concern, their edification of each other. I learnt my lessons today... Thank you Mikki Charis, Bee Leng and Rayvin!

Please Forgive Me, For I Know Not What I Did

Eh, with friends like me, I know now why it's a waste of time to go on MSN. If you're reading this, sorry!

Two Thousand (Not Three Hundred)

Ha! This is something new. Sometimes, when my computer is revoked, I do blogging on paper. I did one a while back. Time to let you see my scrawl!

This one was done during service. I remember feeling horrid... Interestingly, still pretty focused on God in my valley...kinda lost that.

 

I liked that. Read it through... Love pulls my faith to greater heights.

Ah, well, there's a time for everything, says my sister, and now is not the time for blogging. She's right.

'L' is for the way you Look at me

Ah yes, Christmas and how I feel about it. As promised.

I've never...liked Christmas. I always feel pretty depressed when Christmas nears. My sister was pretty quick to accurately point out that it's because I also pass lonely Christmases. Christmas before I came to church was...watching TV. I even crossed into the new year watching some silly vampire show. I didn't have a social life then. I still don't, not a very functional one. Maybe this year I'll go out with my CG members again.

Sometimes, I feel slightly sad that I don't have such an exciting social life like the people around me. I'm around people like Mikki, Jasmine, Naresh, Fa Jin. These people know how to rock it, in and out of church. They know their way around the day crowds and the night scenes in Singapore. I don't. I sense a slight inferiority complex. That's why I'm still grappling with the Cultural Mandate. Do I have to be like them to be relevant, or can I do it my own way.?All the "cool kids" in church are hip and cool, dress well, attend parties. Or am I just looking at this through the wrong type of glasses? Maybe I'm looking through the world's glasses. Maybe I shouldn't even been looking through any glasses at all. What does God see in me? What does God want me to be? Who does God want me to be? Is God okay with my occasional social awkwardness, or is am I to become a socialite like so many other church people? Or am I somewhere in between, ok in most social situations? Isn't there room for difference? Is it a bad difference, or a good difference?

I know that the Cultural Mandate states that you have to be relevant to the marketplace in so many different ways, with fashion being only a subset. However, what I see people around me do shapes what I do. Monkey see, monkey do. Church people are no different. If Pastor Kong changes his fashion style, everyone will start adopting his style. I'm not saying that it's bad. Church people are supposed to be conformists, anyway. We're called to conform to the example of Jesus Christ. I dunno. This is a pretty bitter post, I'd think, but it's been festering inside for a long time, ever since I've come to church. Now that it's out, maybe I'll have some answers.

Ha, just went through what I typed. Maybe there's isn't a lot of logic in it. Plenty of emotion though, and...I can't be a perfectly logical person all the time.

Feel like crap. Full of gunk. For all you kids out there, when you stop praying, and stop reading the Bible, and stop doing your quiet time, you're slowly sinking into the water on the way to Jesus. You don't realise it, but with every step, you plant your feet lower and lowever into the waves. *Ploomp* It's up to your shoelaces now. *Ploomp* It's up to your knees. *Ploomp* Your waist. *Ploomp* Chest. *Ploomp* You start sucking in water, knowing full well that you just needed to pull yourself together and refocus on Jesus, but you kept walking and walking and walking, and now you're drowning, waves coming in high and fast over your head. "What happened?", you think, "Why didn't Jesus save me?" You killed yourself, sonny. I'm sorry to say that you conciously killed yourself every step of the way, consistently making the wrong choices, doing the wrong things, saying the wrong words, everything at the wrong timing. You killed yourself.

Thank God for grace, but I wonder how far it stretches. I remember the verse

For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries. Anyone who has rejected Moses’ law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The LORD will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

(Hebrews 10:26-31 NKJV)

I remember when Charmaine shared that verse with us during Bible Study. I was so humbled. How do I describe the feeling... All the while I've been living on God's grace as if it was...of no cost. The thought of suddenly being cut off freaked me out. It still does, to a certain extent. Maybe I've been around it too much, and have taken it for granted.

But recall the former days in which, after you were illuminated, you endured a great struggle with sufferings: partly while you were made a spectacle both by reproaches and tribulations, and partly while you became companions of those who were so treated; for you had compassion on me in my chains, and joyfully accepted the plundering of your goods, knowing that you have a better and an enduring possession for yourselves in heaven. Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
“ For yet a little while,
And He who is coming will come and will not tarry.
Now the just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”

But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.

(Hebrews 10:32-39 NKJV)

Can't say that I fully understand the following verses' implications, but I guess it'll be revealed through time, experience, and maybe just thinking a little about it. My confidence has great reward. I'm a warrior, adept with the plow, ready to be called at any time. Play on.

There Is A Castle On The Clouds, I Like To Go There In My Dreams

I dreamt this morning that I met Pastor Kong. I don't remember what happened, I might have asked him a question. The whole meeting felt very...personal, as if he was a personal friend of mine. I don't know what to think of it, at least it's better than the dreams I used to have.

Also, I don't think Gladys meant what I distilled from her message. She's pretty pastoral, if it was Shaun I would know that he probably meant what I thought he meant, but I don't think Gladys meant it that way. Posted this just so all you people out there don't get the wrong impression of any of my leaders, all of whom I love very much, or at least try to.

I Love You. Fumbly, Inept And Incomplete, But Still, I Love You.

Hrm. Some things I need to get out of my head so I can think about them instead of trying to remember them. They're all saved as drafts in my handphone.

^&oo Revelation #1 oo&^

If you choose to raise others above me, what is it to me? If you choose to bring others where I cannot go, what is it to me? What have you called me to do that I have not done, instead looking upon the blessings and callings of others and wishing them upon me? Your will be done, even when I don't see how it benefits me.

^&oo Time-Bending Comments oo&^

I've been struggling with my absence from what I perceive is an important event in my life, wondering why I haven't been invited. It feels important to me. God reminded me with the above message. I don't think I'll really enjoy myself there. I don't know anyone there, it isn't the type of event which I will be comfortable with. I'll be either trying to hard to fit in and not fit in, or just not fit in. Going would be slightly overrated. It would be best if I didn't go after all. My mind has wrapped around the idea, but my heart is wavering.

I've always been a double-minded man as in James 1:8. I really love the whole section of James 1:2-8, it really speaks into my life. I'm the wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. When I see people exhibiting their God-given talents, I have a strong urge to want to do the same as well. Mikki's creativity in arts and design, Swee Keng's skill with the guitar, at some point in time, I have been infected and rushed into situations that are not mine to have. Interestingly though, both of these "infections" are maturing into real interests. God has been calling me back time and again into guitar, and I myself have an interest in design and photography, especially.

^&oo Revelation #2 oo&^

Following a leader doesn't mean just serving him or her, I have to run with his or her vision. Gladys reminded me of this when she inadvertently reminded me of the focus of visitation. The children are the centrepiece, not her. If your leader is willing to put herself beneath her vision, how more should I?

^&oo Time-Bending Comments oo&^

I smsed Gladys, "I'll be 15 to 20 min early, do you want me to get anything for you?" She replied with "Get things for the kids can? Thanks." Immediately I realised that I had gotten my priorities wrong. I should have thought of the sweets for the kids first, instead of my leader's welfare. My leader's vision before her. Both are important, but the order of my priorities is more important.

^&oo Revelation #3 oo&^

We're called to serve everyone. The difference between serving others and serving your leaders is that you serve not only them, but also their vision.

^&oo Time-Bending Comments oo&^

This time I thought of Shaun. I don't remember how this came about, but it should be pretty important because it's very similar to #2. I think it was in service... Don't exactly recall, haha.

^&oo Revelation #4 oo&^

Heh, this last one is cool. The Chinese tradition of throwing two curved pieces of wood to ask the "dead spirits" if they have "eaten" the food laid out for them has its mirror in the Bible. Leviticus 8:8 talks of the Urim and Thummim. My study bible identifies them as either two sides of one flat stone, with one side being "Yes", and the other being "No", or two flat stones, with each stone having its own "Yes/No" side. Priests used them to consult God about questions that the nation might have had. If there was a "Yes/No", as opposed to a "Yes/Yes" or "No/No", it meant a "No Reply" from God.

^&oo Time-Bending Comments oo&^

I briefly pondered if the Urim and Thummim were the precursors to the Chinese objects of idol worship, but decided that I shouldn't postulate such factual answers as I don't know much about ancient history

^&oo Time Unbent, The World Is Safe oo&^

I'm doing this a little differently, I'm going back to flesh out each point instead of doing this linearly. I don't know how much time I have before my parents come back, and I need to show them that I'm actually doing productive stuff later. Time bending comments will be done now!

Comments done! I've got to do a to-do list. Later, before I sleep. That's all for these few days I guess. Had a fun time playing board games, "Ugly" and some funky monkey game at some board game cafe. I got thrashed in Boggle by one of the teenage female employees over there. Guess I'm not so smart after all, hehe. I like the work ambience. Maybe I'll do part-time there, I'll have to think very carefully about it.

Haha, I've always done this ego thing after my posts, checking the word count. 824, after the paragraph above. It's pure typing though, no inflation by inserting Bible verses. Ah well, words mean little. I remember this quote...looked it up, it's

I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

Blaise Pascal (French Mathematician, Philosopher and Physicist, 1623-1662)

Succinctness has never been a strength, I wonder if I could have written this with fewer words, yet still with full retention of meaning. I'm running out of things to say. I guess the buck stops here. God bless everyone. Christmas and how I feel might be in the next post, if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading, God bless. Meh, cheesy even as I typed it, but words from my heart...

Out of You Shall Flow Rivers of Living Water, Says the Lord

3:45 AM, Nov 23rd 2008

Asia conference is a turning point in my life. So many things happened, so many new revelations in my life. Perhaps the greatest change was a renewal of Spirit. Do you know that my first revelation about the Bible was in Matthew?

No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”

(Matthew 9:16-17 NKJV)

Strange. I don't feel...connected when I type that. I don't feel that it's what I really want to say, or if the real point of writing this. I don't feel a flow, neither in words of Man nor God's. Perhaps so many of these revelations are mine alone, for me to think upon. Perhaps what I got is to be acted upon, not read upon in words. Writing down all these and not acting on them means nothing. A renewed gumption for school, if not translated into action means nothing. Even as I type this, I'm on the train, late for school again. I skipped all my lectures in the morning just to attend this tutorial where attendance is marked. it's 9 minutes to the tutorial and I've reached Kallang. Oh God, give me such a strength to do what I know is right. When you told me to go to school, you did not mean for me to get a perfect attendance but fail all my subjects. it's not the going of the school.

I was just looking at Matthew 6:33.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

(Matthew 6:33 NKJV)

Looked in Strong's Concordance, apparently a Greek and Hebrew dictionary-esque publication for the Bible, and apparently "righteousness" is "dikaiosunē" (dik-ah-yos-oo'-nay): equity (of character or act); specifically (Christian) justification: - righteousness. I looked up equity on google, and I got:

• The state, quality, or ideal of being just, impartial, and fair.
• Something that is just, impartial, and fair.
• Law.
1. Justice applied in circumstances covered by law yet influenced by principles of ethics and fairness.
2. A system of jurisprudence supplementing and serving to modify the rigor of common law.

I think that most, as I, are familiar with the first two definitions, but the 3rd legal definition is quite intriguing. ~~Note, this section was completed at a later date. See next section for details~~. After all, isn't the law of God the same, justice applied, but drawing from the moral values and all-emcompassing love and grace of God? I felt that God was trying to tell me to understand the meaning of the commandments He had given me. I'm still trying to fully understand what it means for me, but I think that among its implications are me cutting queue during Asia Conference, masquerading as a ministry member to attempt to fetch a member in. The former isn't sin, but rather selfishness, and the latter technically being a lie by omission, despite no verbal confirmation of my ministry membership having been made by me. (Suspected grammar inconsistency, feel free to affirm and correct). This doesn't really make sense to me, I don't think I'm yet to fully understand what I've been told, but I guess I'll keep it in mind. I've always been slow on the uptake, taking me over a half a year to really get a rhema about what Shaun had been telling me and acting on it.

5:35 PM, 23rd Nov 2008

Ah, cool, got a seat on my way back. No need for unglam squatting anymore! Ty Abba! Strange. Out of curiosity, I searched for all the instances of "Abba" in the Bible, and only 3 instances popped out.

And He said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.”

(Mark 14:36 NKJV)

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

(Romans 8: NKJV15)

And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!”

(Galatians 4:6 NKJV)

All these are cries, "krazō" (krad'-zo), a primary verb; properly to “croak” (as a raven) or scream, that is, (generally) to call aloud (shriek, exclaim, intreat): - cry (out), according to Strong's.

Does the fatherhood of Jesus come most strongly in times of trouble? I don't know, I don't understand the difference between Abba and Father as used in the Greek text. Anyway, I'll revert back to the top to complete my treatise on equity, everything after the definition from Strong's Concordance was completed at a later time, i.e now.

7:44 am 24th Nov 2008

God, you're more important to me than anything else. More important than getting a seat on the train, more important that using this silly computer, more important than getting to school on time. I guess that my loudest "krazo" right now would be turning this off to really focus in on you. I'm strangly reluctant, but at the same thing increasing sick of the thought of both continuing and focusing in on you. I obey.

12:14 am 24th Nov 2008

Back to finishing my treatise on the equity of God. For real, this time. Hokay done. Wow, my first post spanning two days, I think. I had another word too, but I am ashamed to say that I had not once, but twice forgotten the original question that I had that spun out the answer. Answers to unknown questions generally do not make much sense, but I'll type it out anyway, in preparation for the question coming back to me.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.

(Galatians 6:7 NKJV)

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

(2 Corinthians 9:6 NIV)

I can sow all I want, but ultimately, the person that provides for the increase is not me, it's God, because

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase. So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase. Now he who plants and he who waters are one, and each one will receive his own reward according to his own labor.

(1 Corinthians 3:6-8 NKJV)

Haha, cool, I didn't know about the following verses, kinda makes what I say redundant. What does it mean that "Now he who plants and he who waters are one"? The NIV text translates it as "The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose". Paul is talking about him planting the church, Apollos building it up, but both will have their reward according to their labour. He said this to ward off a possible split in the church, with some apparently claiming to follow Paul, and others, Apollos. I come under the mantle of Shaun, yes, but I ultimately build my foundation on Jesus Christ himself, for it is written that

By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ...So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.

(1 Corinthians 3:10-11, 21-23 NIV)

I don't fully understand what I'm writing, surely, but I'm also sure that God will in time reveal to me the full meaning of this verse.

Tomorrow night I'm going to Bugis Junction to trade-in my old jeans for a new pair of Levis, also looking to buy a jacket, a formal looking shirt, and anything else I can afford with the $300 my parents blessed me with. I was telling God when Benny Hinn prophesyed that God will bring blessings within 7 days to all those who give $1500, "I don't have $1500, if I did, I would give, but all I have is this $30 left over after fufilling this week's Building Fund.", and I gave that. 10-fold blessings in 3 days! Praise the Lord!

I pray that this is really a blessing. Recently, I really feel that I don't know the heart of God at all. my first emcee the Sunday before was an extremely stressful experience, also coinciding with my CIP for school, both of which were on Sundays, which I had missed. I thought God was bringing me financial blessings for my building fund, but right now there are some problems with the pay, with my lack of enjoyment at the event just compounding the whole thing. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun last Sunday at "The Entertainers" event by LOL entertainers. It was kinda stressful, with lots of gaffes and slip-ups, but I think that I had fun. Also, I definitely had fun after the event, where I got to fellowship with the CG members and Jermaine's classmates from RP, not to mention the pretty awesome night walk after. Thanks...Matthew I think, who bravely stepped up to "volunteer" to clear cobwebs for us! That adrendaline rush was certainly timely, and much appreciated.

Off for tuition for my cousin, I got the sudoku question solved with some electronic help, and his workbook bought at the request of my aunt. Pray that it goes well, I'll be inviting them for christmas! =D

To all those reading this, I agape (Greek, to love unconditionally and perfectly) you!~

May the peace and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you, and unto Him I commit this post and your understanding of it. God bless!

Up To My Neck, And Holding

It seems that I'll always hit a brick wall. Solid. I come here to talk, to just let it out, but there are somethings I can't talk about, somethings that I'm not even fully aware of. It's just a buzz in my head, irritability, frustration, anger. What's wrong with me?

Thank God for Jasmine today. Had she not called me, I would not have woken up on time. I thank God for strength to last through the whole day. It's not a full testimony of God's power, it's not complete, not...perfect. In that manifestation, there were many areas that I was too stubborn to cover, but still I thank God for consistency in my school attendance, just for today. Today does not make me a consistent person, but without today, I will not be a consistent person. I thank God for reminding me of an example for the chemical barrier in innate immunity. I did a short prayer before, and it really helped.

Few of my testimonies are complete. For the above, I did not study at all. If I had studied, I would have aced it by God's grace. I consciously avoided studying. That's not good, I'm starting to take God for granted, something so dangerous that I don't even want to start thinking about it.

When I am weak, I am strong. In my weaknesses, Your strength is made perfect.

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

(Eph 3:14-21 NKJV)

I asked myself, reminded of what Naresh shared quite some time back, what was the basis of this relationship with God. What will never change? What aspect of God can I consistently accept as rhema in my life, something that doesn't fluctuate according to my mood or emotions?

I came to a tentative conclusion that I am rooted in God's consistent and all-encompassing love for me. That has never changed, and that will never change. The above verse turned rhema this morning during prayer meeting today morning. Fantastic.

Feeling out of sorts recently, I was acting really wierdly at the BBQ on Sunday. It was almost as if I regressed like, a year, in mental and spiritual age. The issue floated up in my consciousness a couple of times, but I never really thought about it. Disturbing.

Ah well. Sleepy time. Long day tomorrow again.

Fatigued!

Hrm. I seem to have run out of things to talk about. I only have my dreams this morning left.

I was in bed, and a boy came to outside my room. I don't remember very clearly, but either he was sick, or I was the one sick, but I chatted with him for a couple of sentences. He walked away, turned the corner, and I remember getting the distinct feeling that he disappeared. My mom came, and I asked her, "Is she real?" She gave me the kind of look, the worried, sad look. I felt like John Nash. I was so perturbed. I was seeing things, hallucinating vividly. I don't know if that was considered a nightmare, but it definitely bothers me. I remember making a conscious effort to remember it, which is pretty rare for a dream.

Second one was a much simpler one, but in many ways more meaningful then the other. I was reading the Bible, and came across a block of verses, maybe...6-9 lines long. Small pocket bible, lower right hand side of the page. I was very excited by the verse; my spirit was stirred very acutely. I don't however remember the contents or even the context of the verse though. Even now as I type this while I wait for my visitation leader, I'm just sitting still, letting the remnants, the mere shadow of what was passing through me. Electrifying. Visions of what is to come? What about the above then?

Perhaps I should not put too much weight into my dreams. After all, I have a history of disturbing dreams, depraved in some ways, even. Lust, death, such themes have had fallen into my dream factory raw and dripping, ready to be churned out as polished nightmares, poignant in delivery, shocking in content. Yet, I can say proudly, none of them have happened, or will, indeed, ever happen. Maybe one. Just one. A special one that I still remember. Just that one. The rest are dead and buried, artefacts of a broken-down mind in a broken-down world.

That's it. I really don't have anything else to say. Nothing else that really comes to mind. Everything but the skeletons in my closet that...I'm not ready to share. Some things aren't meant to be shared, I guess. “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother." Matt 18:15. My brother, and I will know. And God, hehe.

Tired. Typed it out just now during the wait, at home now. Tired.

Wierd Watermelons?

Ha, a seat at last. Laptop’s lagging nuts, uTorrent’s rechecking files due to a bad shutdown. I wonder why, maybe it has something to do with me manually sleeping, then closing the lid, prompting yet another sleep cycle. Guess my laptop’s circadian cycle is off, hehe.

Psychology lesson later, can’t wait. I guess it’s pretty cool to have a lesson I look forward to at the start of the day so I arrive on time, early even. Thank God for strength to wake up and go out on time today. Strange, I didn’t pray last night. Haha, Word just wanted to correct “pray” to “play”. Maybe prayer and playing isn’t too incongruent. Dunno. I woke up early to beat my sister to the shower. I have to admit, I stayed in there and took my time with malicious intent. I just don’t see why she doesn’t want to use the other shower. “Everything is here”, she says. Well, most things are there too. She’s just inflexible and self-centred in this area, just like me in some others, hehe. Gotta pray! Gotta pray! I’m at discipline, moving from desire, on to delight real soon. Hrm, I have two loose ends above I want to expand on, let’s see how I can do it coherently.

Today’s waking up on time was in spite of my lack of prayer yesterday, but I know that it wouldn’t have been possible without God’s enabling grace. For a moment there, however, I felt that I could do it. I. Dangerous thinking, but for my precedence of being late for the most horrid reasons, I would have just ran away with that idea. God’s grace works in every area of my life. I caught a glimpse perhaps of God’s plan to start me off with humility, with knowledge that I can’t do everything on my own. I’ve got to watch myself, I don’t want to be over-religious, to attribute everything to God. I don’t deny that humans have power to achieve, but authority is given by God.

I don’t think I’m making much sense above. Quite incoherent at this time in the morning, but maybe it’s something I need to understand more. I don’t want to be freakily religious. I want to be religious in a relevant yet reverent manner. Ah well, it’ll be clear when God wants me to look at it.

I do regret my earlier actions. I do love my sister, and I know my sister loves me, but it’s just that we sometimes irk each other on purpose, me more than her, admittedly. And I used “then” instead of “than” again. Word caught it, and grammatical mistakes that Word catches should be trivial to me... Here’s for love in the hard times, consistent, universal love.

I wonder if I’ll ever have someone to talk like that to. Just random talk. Maybe my sense of friendship is warped. Haha, probably is.

Bedok! Later.

Time After Time, I Turn To You

Well well, train isn’t so crowded. I’m sitting on the floor again. Indoctrination tells me that it’s unglam, it doesn’t project a good image. Hrm. Am I supposed to be concerned? Part of me says yes, as a Christian, as a salt and light, I have to be concerned about my image. Part of me says no, I don’t really care. I don’t think I really care, it’s just that my mind is concerned.

I had an epiphany in the bus just now. I’ve publicly expressed my view that God will direct me to my girlfriend in the future, but I just realised that God won’t drop someone in my lap. I’ve got to work at a relationship, express interest on my part, and on His part, He’ll guide my actions and my choice. That said, I still don’t have my friendship building skills well-developed and consistent enough, not to mention anything about being natural-feeling about it. Mikki mentioned that I don’t have very well-developed spiritual friends. Very discerning, she’s quite right. She of course doesn’t mean that my friends are not spiritual; it’s just that I don’t have a very good relationship with them. Everything’s very shallow and surface.

I’ve always felt a particular urge to be able to really connect to someone, so I guess even I am not immune to the social DNA handed down over the ages. What do I look for in a friend? Hrm, I do like to share my thoughts, my problems, my life in general I think. It’s what I’ve been doing here in lieu of someone to talk to. I’ll like my friend to share too, which is why that for now, I won’t feel that Shaun is a close/good friend of mine. He can’t share, for obvious reasons. I understand that, but the whole thing turns out one-way. He’s a fantastic leader, perfect for me, wisdom that tempers my youthful naivety and impatience, discerning analysis that supplements my often shallow thinking. I, however, find it a tad hard to treat him as a friend. I don’t particularly connect to him on any level. Is there another element in friendship I’m missing?

Redhill now, 8.00 pm. Time well spent, I’d think. Maybe another one later, hehe.

Squatters in the City

I have lately taken much liberty with my image and taken to sitting down on the floor of the MRT...twice already, in these couple of weeks. I’ve always had a slight against people sitting on the floor, but here I am, doing it. Dunno, it’s the only way for me to be productive on the train I guess. Behaviour evolves with maturity; I’ll see where this one goes.

And a seat emptied was promptly taken. Ah well, cest la vie. Gotta check the internet later to add the correct accents. There’s one over the ‘e’, if I recall correctly. (Back at home! I got the spelling right, but it's "c'est la vie")

Oh yeah, thinking a bit about my giving recently. I haven’t been a very effective steward of my money, in the sense that my giving, while done in love, hasn’t been tempered with wisdom and responsibility. I haven’t tithed this week due to my parents only giving me my allowance on Sunday, and I promptly spent it over $30 at East Coast. I think my fiscal habits are not unsound, but rather just undocumented. Past efforts to document my spending habits have collapsed, perhaps I’ll have another shot at it. Winds of change are scouring my life, harbingers of holy fire that cleanses and sanctifies me. There is resistance in some areas, whole cities that have yet to be taken, but something’s happening as I wait on the Lord. I got that word even as I was praying for a solution to my inconsistency. It surely did not lie with “Just Do It™”. Spectacular failures from the application of that particular doctrine in my life are well-documented.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

(Isa 40:30-31)

Just came reached school. God is good. I had left late, resigning myself to an “absent” mark. It was my fault, really. I have horrid time management. My...apathy towards school didn’t really help. In spite of all that, I went. There are some things that I can’t really change right now. Well, maybe not can’t, just not currently particularly willing to. However, there are things I can change. I can change whether I go to school or not, be it late or early. If I make it a point to go to school no matter how I feel or what my circumstances are, there’s a point made, there’s a habit formed. I will go to school!

Sometimes I think about how different I am from others, how my circumstances, my upbringing and my own convoluted and undirected thought processes have conspired to derive me of my most basic tenets of maturity. Responsibility, even the most base ones instilled in childhood are curiously absent in me. I feel like Charlie Gordon, my mental age speeding ahead of the rest of my emotions, and indeed, myself. I look at my friends in RI, now RJC, soon to be RI (hehe), and they seem normal enough. They seem to be reasonably well-adjusted individuals, socially, emotionally and the likes, but with my...intellect, in an abstract sense. Indeed, almost all of them have or will far surpass me in my intelligence, both as an abstract and applied measure.

Then again, maybe not. I’m sure they have their own problems, their own issues that they struggle to cope with. I met up with someone who worked with Rafflesians sometime ago, in the capacity of friends, and was given the remark that, “Sometimes, when I talk to you guys, I feel like I’m talking to a 16 year-old with a 60 year-old mind.” Hyperbole aside, it’s very relevant to me personally. I half-jokingly shot back using the common RPG practice of stat allocation as an example, with the character having a limited number of points to put into such areas as Strength, Toughness, Intelligence, Willpower, Charisma, etc. Some like me have the same pool of points, and something has to go.

Ha, class is starting! Blog later, in the train again, hopefully.

God Saturated

Hrm. I do have to apologise to KY and the other girls, as sometimes in catching them as they fell put them in compromising situations. I didn't really realise it until Mikki told me to support KY in front. Mortifying....

Ah well, had fun. Thank God for his grace today. I was with Jin Tao cycling down to return the bike/skates, and the sky was so black. I was praying, "God, please don't let it rain. I'm important to you. You love me as an individual, and what I say matters to you." I told Jin Tao that it won't rain before we hit the kiosk. It did rain, but not very heavily. I really have to admire Jin Tao. He fell quite a few times, but didn't give up.

I'm still indecisive. Should have made the decision to turn back, thank God we did anyway. Something I'll need to change. A bit of a hypocrite...I told Leo that it's not so nice to leave Wei Ken and Uzen alone, and I did just that to help out with the girls learning to skate. They called me, and I told them to stay put for a bit, I'll be back in about 40 minutes after the girls hand in their skates, but also told them to call me if there was anything, or if they are really bored and I'll go back.

Wonder if I did the right thing. Is this an indication of my priorities? I can think of so many justifications for what I did, and so many rebuttals, but I wonder what God thinks. Was that wise? Kevin, Mikki and I were with the girls, leaving Uzen and Wei Ken alone with Leo. How wise was that? Then again, Mikki had to leave halfway, and I helped KY out.

If I had gone back, Jermaine and Kevin would have stepped into my role, but if I had not, who could have entertained the boys and the new friend? I only pray that they had a good time, and did not feel neglected. I don't have the intention of upsetting anyone...

Sherrie called me to pray for me today. That was nice.

Oh yeah! God really knows what makes me tick. To a certain extent I dereive joy from helping other people, and these couple of days has seen me help people in small ways that really makes my day. Yesterday, I pointed out Block...51, I think, of Strathmore Ave to someone who was lost. I had my headphones on, but I saw this lady talking to me, so I took them off. Surprising, really, it's not the first time someone asked for directions or help when I had my headphones on. I would never have asked someone who was listening to music. Maybe it's just me.

Today, I helped a kid put his chain back on his bike. He was fiddling with his bike in the middle of the lane, just slowed down to help him out. It was about to rain then, and Jin Tao was boosting on my bike. I just felt that I should help him out. I wasn't really thinking about Jin Tao waiting there at the moment, feeling guilty about that now. In helping out that boy, I made Jin Tao wait, with him so eager to get back as he was really tired. I stopped and helped the boy.

Dunno, I think that it was the correct thing to do to help the boy, as I spent only about 5 minutes trying to adjust his chain. That was 5 minutes for Jin Tao to rest, and an irreplacable 5 minutes so that the boy could get back. When helping someone causes inconvenience to others, I'll have to be very wise and very sensitive to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do in the future.

It was a God-saturated, Holy-Spirit-filled day today. Awesome! Here's to more prayer, and my first personal fast in a long time.

Show Me How To Live, Teach Me How To...

Yesterday, as I looked at the performers strutting their stuff, a part of me wanted to be like them, to sing, to dance just as well as them. I wanted to be important in something, recognised as superior among my peers.

A bit of lateral thinking leads me to conclude that it’s not a godly desire. I need to know who I am, and to be secure in it. No matter what I do, or how well I do it, my sense of security and achievement must always lie with the God that makes me more than a conqueror in Christ.

Who I am will come when I have a relationship with a person. Shaun has been slowly showing me who I am. Mikki has been slowly showing me who I am. I guess it is not something I can describe in words, but a...feeling, a subconscious process over these two years of interactions with them. God can do the same!

Show me who I am in you, Jesus. Show me logos made rhema. "Out of you shall flow rivers of living water!", You said. I am made productive, so show me, show me who I am in you, what I'm meant to do.

Post or Pre?

I’m not going to arrive on time. Currently on a train to Expo for my Ministry Introductory Course. There’s no wifi, naturally, so I’m just typing this out on word and post-dating (or is it pre-dating) the post. It’s 3:01, and I’m still at Tiong Bahru. I wanted to do the scrapbook, but I think too highly of my creative abilities, hehe, I’ll have to check out scrapblog.com much more in-depth to rush it out by Saturday. I simply don’t yet have the creative ability to churn out a scrapbook on my own. Imitate first, and your own ideas will flow afterwards, I guess, hehe. Today was fun, I got to play guitar for a small prayer meeting today. Mikki led, but I didn’t have the stamina to follow through all the way. I need to build up my guitar playing mental stamina. Physically, I think I’m still all right, but the focus, the mental concentration needed to play for an hour straight, trying at the same time to flow with Mikki is just too much for now. That will come with practice, something that, as Swee Keng always says, I seriously lack.

Pastor’s message is good. What do I have a vision for? Hrm, I think that sharing my visions will help others help me bring them into reality, so:

Health: I want to bulk up! 70kg by next year, being able to get gold for NAPFA.
Finances: $8/h flexible part-time job that interests and engages me by the end of the year
Ministry: I want to be a cell group guitarist by March next year, by my birthday
Career: GPA of 3.8, to bring at least 1 friend to church in the next semester

Hrm. There’s a lot of “I wants”. I wonder what God wants, what Shaun wants, what Pastor Kong wants, what Gladys wants. Building Fund. I want to fulfil my building fund. I think I’ve got an amount. I’m not very sure of it, I’ll reconfirm, but it’s a big amount. Something out of my comfort zone. As Shaun had told me before, we have to be wise about my giving. Move in faith, yes, but with heavenly wisdom as well. I wonder if this is wise. Prayer...I haven’t prayed these couple of weeks. Haven’t read the Bible either. Running on steam now. Hrm. It stops today then. Today is the day of my salvation. Every day, when I wake, I receive my daily bread, my daily dose of the cleansing blood of Jesus. A bit morbid though, when I imagine the blood of Jesus covering me.

Just got this...image. A car crash, and a mother is slumped over her kid. Her kid’s covered in her blood, but alive. Maybe there, the blood no longer holds the connotations of morbidity, but of love, and the ultimate sacrifice. I need that in my heart, every day. You know, I think if I hold that image in my heart 24/7, test everything I do against it, a lot of progress will be made in my life. Pride problems will be solved. Fear problems will be solved. It is possible, to be proud but yet low self esteem, but from today on, I am a confident Bowen, I am a charismatic Bowen, I am a consistent Bowen, I am an accountable Bowen, I am a loving Bowen, I am an accepting Bowen, I am a stylish Bowen. I am all these through the mustard seed of faith that I have right now, sown and continually watered. Just as I am saved by grace through faith, I am all these and more by the grace of God working through the faith in my life.

I really should memorise more verses in the Bible. I used to stick post-it notes for a bit, but it stopped. I’ll surround myself with verses from the Bible. First up will be “Out of you shall flow rivers of living water”. It’s the first logos word that God specifically made rhema to me. Actually...on second thought, there’s one before that.

Ooo. I stopped, for some reason. Smsing I think. 5.54 now. Anyways, the verse was Luke 5:37-39. First rhema from God. “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined. But new wine must be put into new wineskins, and both are preserved. And no one, having drunk old wine, immediately desires new; for he says, ‘The old is better.’”

S'long for now.

Mmm, egg mayo

Mmm, a quickie before my eggs are done in 5 minutes.

I tend to be really affected by the people around me. Was feeling horrid yesterday, but being in the presence of other like-minded Christians really provided an anchor for my soul. Unfortunately, it also works the other way around, and I don't think it's supposed to work this way. God's supposed to be my anchor, my solid, unyielding rock. I gotta pray, I gotta fast, keep my spiritual disciplines. Felt like I was walking on water, slowing sinking, just realising that I'm up to my neck in water...

and my eggs are done.

I Love Me! =D

Hrm, Ps Zhaung's preaching.

Gen 1:26 tells us that God has a image of himself, a positive image, but when Adam fell, his image of himself, his self-image, changed. His self-image was no longer what God meant it to be.

On to Numbers, and I just realised that I don't really care. That's not good. Low self-image ties in with my failures today. I guess this is just my childish way of coping, utterly childish, but...delightful, in a certain perverse way I guess. Taking joy in sin...now now now, Heb 10:26, for if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins.

Interestingly, I'm not hearing anything new. Not with my natural ears. Gen 1:33, a twist in his message, saw that coming a mile away. Plastic surgeons having to fix the inside, nothing new either. Yup, if you believe you're ugly, you're ugly. If you think you're stupid, you will behave in a stupid manner. Nothing new. Nothing. Not now. I know all these, but I don't understand. It's all written on tablets of stone. When I come here, I don't come for human understanding. I come for spiritual understanding.

Low self-esteem, I have it, know about it, cause, effects, all these can come out with a little bit of thought. Ha. "God begin to change my mindset". It's so easy to say, retrospectively. I doubt not that with my effort, my brokeness, my willingness to change, I can say that. I can declare that, confidently and without doubt. Such an easy thing to say...

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. There's no point in having a makeover unless you change your thinkings first

3 things to do:

1. Replace all wrong thinkings with the Word of God
2. Confess aloud the promises of God to yourself
   
3. Visualise in you an image of what you want to see
   

Do you ever get a flash where you suddenly lose your Christian...nature? Perhaps it's an artifact of my weakness in my relationship with God. Suddenly, for a second you just hear these words as an aethist, an agnostic even. It sounds...disgusting, for a moment.

I need a rhema as to who I am. My identity in Christ. Who I am, what I am to do. Clear, unrevocable rhema. I have no illusions that it will change everything, but perhaps it will clear things up.

What do I remember? "Out of you shall flow rivers of living water", I'm called to be a healer. I think I'm called to be a psychologist.

Confessing. I can only confess when I get rhema isn't it? I have to know what is God's rhema for me. What do I have rhema for?

Oh, I missed number 2. Back up! Zoom zoom. Interesting. I've known this, but hasn't really come to mind recently. Ha, but I visualise so much, so many things. It feeds my pride. It feeds my ego. Once I visualise...I can't stop. Isn't that incongruous with a low self esteem? A person with low self-esteem having an enormous ego. Ha. Altar call coming soon. I think I know better then to blog through that. My childishness stops here. I give myself some time to let go, then I will pick up the pieces, here and now. My fall stops here. Next time, it'll be shorter. It won't be so obvious. I won't distract, by proxy, Wei Ken beside me.

Help me see who I am. I don't want to be anyone else but who you want me to be.

P.S My title comes last, so it references my post. Usually...

Eww

Whoa, this is cool. Live blogging from EDGE meeting. I'm super distracted, and the praise and worship didn't help. Then again, everyone else seemed to really enjoy it. Pastor Zhuang led us in kneeling for worship. Then again, it's me, I know, I know.

Offering time. Thanksgiving from Psalms 51:14. I've always had slight problems with offering. I don't really understand how I can give expecting God to give me something back. Shaun did explain it to me, saying that I'm giving to a perfect loving God, but I don't....understand...

Hrm, Jasmine's chasing me. Urgh. Just feel like hiding away again. I don't cope with failure well, and I'm supposed to suck it up, or lift it up to God or something. I know, but once again...I don't understand.

Dis. Connect. Ed. Ram. Blings.

Hrm. Jessica once commented that I'm random when I have nothing to say. Something which I vigorously denied, but on later hindsight found through. I'm tempted to be random now, but in reality, I don't think I have anything to say. Not now, anyway. Or maybe something's inside. Or maybe there's just nothing.

I should think less, and do more. Let those who have eyes, let them see. Let those who have ears, ,let them hear. Let those who have an overactive imagination, let them channel it appropriately into godly activities.

What am I to do with shame? I often find myself lying to get rid of it. I can't do it this time. Two days of guilt. 5 days of guilt. I have to face it head on. I was irresponsible. I saw the SMSes, heard the calls, and chose to do nothing. I woke up, stared at the ceiling and chose to go back to sleep. I chose, and I shall not lie about it. I shall not make excuses to anyone. The truth shall set me free.

Talking about it doesn't absolve me from any blame though. Hrm. I tend to be like that. I get uncomfortable not taking notes, but I when I do take notes, I have to admit that I'm pretty casual with them. I haven't touched any of my sermon notes for the wrong time. It's almost as if writing notes absolves me from having to think about them. Not right. Not godly.

I'm so concerned with how I appear. What about my relationship with God? Is it on the right track? I'm ok with things I do for other people, serving people, but what about Mary? Martha's there, but Mary still has some way to go in my life.

I guess I don't really have anything to say after all. All these are just fragmented thought, mere finger exercises. I'm losing it. Haven't been praying or reading the Bible these few days, and already I'm losing it. Days, hours even. Can't lose the presence. Not now.

Help!

One More For Love, My Love. One More For Love!

Hrm...

Short, but sweet. It's far too early, in the morning, to be thinking about you... Haha, I like those lyrics. Tick of Time by the Kooks.

Anyways, I called Jermaine to pray for her last night, and something she said really struck me. I've been praying for more love, and she asked me, "Why do you think that you aren't loving enough now?", or something to that effect. I've never really thought about it, and couldn't really express my thoughts on the spot. Maybe she caught that too, if she did, she didn't say anything about it.

Thinking about it, I do need more love, yes, but what I need even more is a broader love, for me to love everyone. I find it easier to love Mikki, Jermaine, Shaun, Mark, Wen Chieh, Lay Hwa, then it is for me to love something I may not like so much, or even someone I dislike.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48, with much gratitude to Google and BibleGateway. This perfect love is not just for Jesus. As Peter walked on water, I, too, see what Jesus can, has, will, and is still doing, and am calling out to Him, "Let me love all!" I do not want to merely love as a Gentile, I have not been called for that.

I think, on the other hand, what I said to Jermaine is true as well. I express my love through acts of service, through random blessings. I want to be more sensitive to other people, more...awareness of other people. Like, during the day, I want my love for the people around me to occupy my thoughts, not to have my mind run amok with illusions of grandour or God forbid, lustful thoughts. That's what I want for love.

Allow me then, to quote a song in its entirety, another first for my blog. Five for Fighting - One More For Love

Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe we almost got it right
There's a fire burning in the firelight
As we roll on tonight

There's paper promises and alibis
There is certainly uncertainty in all our eyes
But as long as you are here I'll be all right
As we roll on tonight

So you go out...I'll go on
If there's a doubt...we'll be strong
As we go on singing
One more for love my love
One more for love...

There's always blood to fill the heart betrayed
There are children being born to every house that's raised
And we're getting closer to where we got it made
As we roll on tonight

So you go out...I'll go on
If there's a doubt...we'll be strong
As we go on singing
One more for love my love
One more for love...

I'm never going to wait for anything
Never going to break for anything
Cause I am one more for love my love
One more for love
One more for love my love

Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe that we got it right
And all in all you're all that's on my mind tonight
As we roll on...

One more for love my love
One more for love

One more for love indeed.

On an unrelated note, I just had a dream earlier. I dreamt that Pastor Robb Thompson was coming to our church, and I was given a firecracker that if presented first in line on the first day, I would receive a...pie, if I recall correctly, some sort of pastry at least from his aunt, who was somehow baking on that day. I think it's my brain's way of screaming at me that I had to wake up early to queue with Mark, and indeed I woke up after that dream at about 5:00 am. Impressive, considering the fact that I didn't set an alarm on either my alarm clock or handphone.

Time for me to go. Loving you guys and gals out there. You loved me when I couldn't then love back, you taught me love when I had, but couldn't express, and you show me deeper, and greater love, when I thought that what I had was it. For Your sake, God, I'll never be satisfied. I won't worry or fret over it, but I'll keep Your love in mind always.

I believe, Lord! Help my unbelief! I love You, and love others! Greater then eros, greater then philia, let your agape love shine on me, overflowing into every area of my life. Forgive my debts, as I forgive my debtors. Your will be done.

I am...reading everything backwards. Like, normal, standard webcomics and print comics. Right to left. ><

Mmm, just finished Love Hina, the manga version. I like it.

Threshing Floor Experiences

I crucify my flesh. I run this race with endurance, this race that was set beside me, despising all except the glory of God.

If this is what I am to go through, this hardest test of my life thus far, do not reduce this sentence for even one minute God. Let me go through this threshing floor, as I remember Charmaine preaching about so long ago. Let me go through this threshing floor, all the chaff burnt away for the wheat, for the gold, pure gold refined by the fiery furnace. Take everything you want God, but preserve my life. Break me, but preserve my Spirit. I yield, I believe, help me in my unbelief!

In The Darkness, He Smiles

Here I am, eating cold tau suan. It's like...a semi-jelly, half-set lump of goo. There's probably a scientific name for it.

I'm clearer about why I blog now. I blog because I don't have any best friend I can talk to. Mark, or anyone who is reading this...

That was hard to type out. Everytime after saying something that hurts, I'll stand up, even for a few seconds, take a 5 second walk, just run away for 5 seconds from the fact that I don't have any best friends. Mark, or anyone close to my heart that's reading this, Mikki, Boon Kiat, Wen Chieh, Jermaine, Shaun (although he's most probably not reading this, ahaha), the fault lies with me. For some above, I'm too proud to say some of the things that I feel like saying, I'm too proud in thinking that you might not understand. For some above, part of my friendship has been forged on idealised versions of you. As I grow closer to you, this ideal fades, along with my dream of having someone to agape. Some others are a very source of some of the problems I struggle with. For Shaun, at least, I think I know where is his place in my life. He is my friend, my leader, my encourager, but not a soulmate.

Actually, I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter. Somewhat, perhaps. More more than less. I don't even know what being a friend is. I don't even know what phileo love is like. I don't think I'm an unpleasant person to be around. I'm pretty much sociable most of the time, and the times I which I emo, I usually try to keep to myself and not make a fuss. It's just that I don't carry this love for people back home with me. When I left the MRT today, it's as if I left a large part of my love behind, my love for every single one of those brothers and sisters in the train.

Which brings me to the question of course that did I love then, or did I just do what I've learnt to do? Was it all just in deed? It certainly feels like it. Then again, I do bring love back home, sometimes. I'm so afraid that it's the wrong kind. I know it's the wrong kind. I'm chasing ideals again, and it'll kill me emotionally.

You, Rachel, are a poor alternative to a close friend. You listen, but don't reply. That's only half. Ha, just finished my tau suan. Anyways, I've put a piece of my heart in you, but I will never get any back. I will never get any pep talks, reprimands, revelations, rhema word, I won't get anything from you but silence.

What am I to do about this? Everytime I come back here, it seems such a mess. Seems like when God cleans up a part of you, He shows you this whole new messed up part. Perhaps He doesn't want to scare you. Perhaps He only shows me what I can handle. To quote a Lifehouse song, Storm,

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

My answer lies in the next lines, I guess.

If I could just see You,
everything will be all right.
If I could see You,
this darkness will turn to light.
And I will walk on water,
and you will catch me if I fall.

I've should read the Bible more. If I spend half as much time reading the Bible as I do listening to music. I would finish the Bible in 6 months. I love music. It has been my strength in so many situations. I'm starting to ramble...It's 2:27 AM.

Faith, Hope and Love. I am nothing without Love. But why the difference between Faith and Hope? Isn't Faith the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen? Ah, Faith is the substance.

Suddenly struck me while playing with the defective newfangled adhesive from the movie goody-bag. This blog exemplifies how I try to solve my own problems by myself. Thinking it through with my feeble human mind, guided my emotions which Shaun had correctly pointed out some time ago cannot be trusted. As I tire and thrash, my spirit grows weak, and I find myself slipping further and further down. I really should be talking to God about this. God's smiling over us tonight.

Haha, it's been a custom of mine I guess, to check the word count on my posts. I've been posting shorter and shorter message, probably due to a lot of offload of emotions onto friends around me. Still I run to you though, for things that I cannot say out loud. 800 words of angst and emotion. I hope it keep shrinking. Maybe then I'll actually (gasp) post something productive.

Up In My Lonely Room, When I'm Dreaming Of You

April 21st since my last post. Hah, it's been a while.

Suddenly I see...

I like that song. Just watched the OC. I want to live in a nice place, find a nice girl, go to UCB. Then again, I'm just projecting my current...state of apathy. Is that the word? Projecting? My current state longs for a lifestyle that seems easy, beautiful, effortlessly graceful because of the current mess my life is in now.

I fail at being an adult. No matter how many times you scold, remind, nag, a young child will never learn the meaning of responsibility, of actions and subsequent consequences. His or her actions will be shaped around that ideal, but it's always an external moulding factor, not some intrinsic belief of the child. It's like that with me. I've reached a stage where I'm supposed to have developed a sense of independence, of responsibility, a certain level of maturity.

I can't seem to act. I don't know how to put this, I think I've posted about this before. I know what's coming. I know I'm destroying my life. I know I'm going to get expelled from poly. I know that I'll eventually get thrown out of the house. I know that Shaun helps people who want to change, and he'll eventually get tired of my shenanigans and give up on me. I know when that happens, I'll most probably kill myself. I can't handle that, not now. Thing is, it doesn't motivate me to move. Not for any extended period of time. I told Shaun before that I only learn when I'm staring at Death in the face. I'm not sure if that works anymore. I'm getting sleep deprivation onset symptoms I think, I'm not blogging coherently. 32nd hour now I believe. I know what's good for me, I just can't do it. It's like freezing when a car is speeding towards you. You know what's coming, but you just can't move. It's like death in slow motion.

What keeps every other person in the world going? They have something I don't, obviously. An inner drive, I guess.

I have an inner drive. My ego is huge. I want to be a musician, to be a good guitarist, not in the sense of playing Though the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce. Not to be a good technical guitarist, but a...musician. To be able to flow in music. I want to be the smartest person around. I've always wanted to learn french. The greek alphabet, of which I know know Alpha, Omega, Elipson, Kappa, something like that. I want to know my school materials inside out, and to know even more then that. I want to take a double diploma. I want to study psychology at the side, and to write my first paper in psychology before I leave school. I want to learn how to love people. I want to know what it means to be interested in someone, to love someone, not in a eros way, but in a phileo way, an agape way. I want to have friends, real friends that I can call and not feel uncomfortable about. While I'm at it, I want to get into a relationship, doesn't have to be anything serious, just an experience that may or may not blossom. I want to be on fire for God. I want to be a healer, I believe I've been called in this area. I want to rise up in church. I want to take a visitation group. I want to take a fruitful connect group. I want to read the whole Bible through, and know all my major events and minor trivia of the Bible. I want to cycle 42 km. I want to go exercising again. I want to organise something for the school. I want to get into medicine school. I want a degree in Psychology. I want to be a psychiatrist. I want a nice Prius, or whatever hybrid electric cars they have in the future. I want new headphones so I can hear my bass and the notes that are plucked on the rhythm guitar. I want to learn how to sleep polyphasically, on the Everyman schedule. I want a set of formal that I can proudly wear on formal events. I want a haircut, the barber comes back from holiday tomorrow. I want respect from my peers. I want a camera so I can take pictures of all the crazy quirky things I occasionally find. I want respite from this crushing despair. I want a spine so I can do the things I want. I want my parents to be more supportive, sometimes. I want to love myself. I want to have enough money to bless people. I've always had the dream of giving my sister a Mini Cooper. She loves them, and I want to give her one of her own. I want to send someone to SoT. I want to be at the financial stage where someone says, "No money" and I can reply with a "No worries". I want to love and be loved.

There are so many many things I want. Can I even do anything about them? I can, but it's going to take a lot of effort. Am I up to it? I'm feeling the sleep dep now. Lightheadedness. I'll go down to 7-11 to grab some food. Guess I'll splurge for today. Be back later. Stay cool, Rachel.

The Way Is Clouded, And I Cannot See

Hrm, 20 days later. 8 more days and I'll have zombies in my blog. Admittedly, that joke was from the Kingdom of Loathing, a web-based game I play. Pretty interesting game, certainly not your run-of-the-mill web-based hack-n-slash.

Recent influx of readers, most probably from my class, whom I added on MSN. As usual, nothing will change. I don't write for other peoples' reading pleasure, and I never will. Haha, maybe that's my blog posts are all so long.

Lots have happened since I've last posted. School is starting tomorrow, Orientation just ended yesterday. I guess all that have been overshadowed by my apathy, my laziness. Still I haven't done what I need to. Talked to who I needed to the most. I stood aloof as my emotions took over and I hid in the kitchen, away from the only person who could have helped me then. Why do I do what I do? I've always struggled with that question. I don't love God enough? That seems to be the only answer. Shaun always said that there's no point in loving God 50%, or 70%, or 99%, but to love him 100% all the time. I've never managed to do that. Not in my 1 year plus as a Christian. My potential is there, but I've never stepped out of my comfort zone. Frustrating. I felt like screaming and breaking down during the CG. I've never felt that way since I ran out of service some time ago. Satan won, but only for a while. I went back.

Help me go back to you Daddy. I need you so much now, with school starting tomorrow. I need you every step I take, every move I make, every word I say. Without you, I am nothing. Everything I do alone seems cursed, ineffective, tiring, but with you all things are possible. Help me believe that Lord. There is doubt in my heart, doublemindedness that has plagued me ever since I became a Christian. I don't want it. I don't want it. Help me.

You've told me to pray. Rhema, even. I've been stubborn. Strip this spirit of pride from me, clothe me in humility. I will give up the dream of being in medicine school if that's what it takes to become a better Christian. Guide me in your righteousness. I trust in you...

I'm tired, and my mind is clouded....

With A Thankful Heart

Gah, seriously can't sleep without posting a shoutout.

Thanks for the encouragement Charis! You really made my day. Also, I haven't forgotten about Adobe CS 3 for both you and Xue Ting.

Sleepy now, before my Mom comes out again. Bai bai!

Taboo Tomorrow. Hasta la Vista, I Promise.

I seem to lose all interest in a topic after approximately 1600 words. It's getting harder and harder to focus. Help me out here, Daddy. Back to the list:

1. Health
1. I could go cycling with Boon Kiat once in a while. Once every two weeks? How often does he cycle? Check with him.
   
2. Swimming sounds interesting, another low impact sport. I've never really been inclined towards swimming though. Self-image problems, mostly. Maybe I should, just to prove to myself that I can do it. That will have to wait for poly to start, so I can use the pool there. I'll need trunks. Hrm.
   
3. Restart eating of USANA supplements. Two twice a day. Should set handphone reminders for the next two weeks.
4. Not skip a meal, especially breakfast and lunch. If I wake up late, go down to the coffee shop and get something.
5. Keep sleeping before 1 a.m, and from tomorrow onwards, waking up at 9 a.m latest. School's starting soon, my sleeping schedule's got to go back.
2. Ability
1. Guitar. Learn 1 new song every 2 weeks. Look for a guitar teacher, failing which, look for online courses and draw up a schedule. Practise for at least 15 minutes a day.
2. Most of my feeds have to go. I won't have the time. I cleared two largely deadweight feeds. I will also start sharing feeds of interest so I can see which feeds have a relatively smaller click-through rate. If you're interested, here's the feed and the page.
3. School...I can't really say. Tentatively, a GPA of 3.2 for the first semester, with a 95% attendance. Sounds very reasonable. All these should really go into goal setting. I'll split the two tomorrow, it's getting a bit late.
3. Relationships

I think I'll do all these tomorrow. It's getting late, my attention span is seriously lacking, I'm just wandering all over the place right now.

Random To-Do:

1. Order a new pair of glasses
2. Buy string polish, guitar polish, tuner, and soft cloth. Ah, and a guitar pick holder and a few picks, both hard and soft. Get the bigger ones, easier to hold.

Thank God that emptiness is mostly gone, replaced by a sense of purpose. Indeed, without a clear vision, people perish. It is obvious that I am no exception.

Haitus

Back. That was hard. I promised, but that draggy feeling's coming back. I press on. Help me out here, Daddy. If you're here for the first time, don't cheat, read the post below this once first. :P Restarting List:

1. Catch up with old friends I haven't contacted in a while. People that come into mind are Nigel, Andy, Kah Hou, Yong Kiam, Cheryl (Ah, she was asking about a meetup, shall have to contact Naresh and get something together. Long overdue...). A shoutout to Yang Lin perhaps, she took Rui Ling under her very capable wings. Adeline and Adelyn too. Two women of God who made an impression on me. Carolyn... Derrick. Fa Jin too. Nice guy. Ah yes. Foo. Completely forgot about him. Ah yes. Nat, Sarah and Wan Ling. the bubbly trio, how could I have forgotten? Wei Liang, who has found himself a great cell group. Seems like he's pretty on fire, saw him for Friday prayer meeting sometime ago. Wei Qing, and if you're noticed the alphabetical order, I'm going through my phone list. Jared and Alex from school... Will have to organise this later. Major KIV.

Hrm. Break from the list for a bit. As I was flipping through my phonebook, mentally checking off current-acquaintances, current-friends, current-good-friends, previous-friends, previous-acquaintances, I realised that almost everyone in the past have been acquaintances, and...

It's getting very hard to write this. I'm getting very distracted. This part is hard to write. It's so close to my heart, it's so closed to my heart. Too many acquaintances, too few friends. What does being a friend mean? I can't be a friend to everyone, but I somehow feel that I should. I don't know how. I feel like being part of that person's life, sharing in their joys and their hurts, but I don't know how, I don't know where to start.

Wait...I think I do. It's the love. I've got to love that person. Love him or her with my best approximation of agape love. I get a touch of that with Mark, but I'm sure friendships go deeper then that. I don't know what I'm looking for in a friendship. I don't know what is a real friendship. What do friends do? What do they think? Is it just going out, calling each other? Calling them and asking how they are? It's not like that, I'd think. For so many friendship is so natural, but for me, I have to learn how to love. It feels artificial, sometimes. Can you imagine, what kind of pathetic...no. I'm not pathetic just because I cannot yet love properly. God made me whole, he gave me the potential. I just have to unlock it. I am fortunate to have been blessed with an above average intelligence to understand and rectify my situation. By God's grace, I am alive and here today, and I will not cheapen it by cheapening myself. Help me, Daddy. Help me love you, love others, love myself. I am so lacking, so lacking in the areas of love. You have promised me that rivers of living waters will flow out of me. Help me unlock the river of love. I have kept it under lock and key tighter and more secure then I am consciously aware of. Only You can work in my subconscious and unconscious, changing attitudes, altering mindsets, opening rusty gates, unlocking ancient doors.

I can't be a friend to everyone. Can I? Mikki seems to do it. Shaun seems to do it. They have a genuine, vested interest in almost everyone they meet, and seem to just...connect. It's not them, it's God that really shines so brightly through them. People can't help but like them. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. I want something like that. There's a price to pay, of course. I am determined to pay it. Is it a specific calling? I guess to a certain extent...I don't really know. Every single mature member I have met in church so far have been so charismatic. They may not talk a lot, I know Yu Jie doesn't, but there's this glow... I don't think it's a calling. Help me God, I want this presence in me. I lay my life on the altar, I make that choice God. I am willing to pay the price, whatever it is. I want to love others, and to be loved in return.

The mental fog, the irritation, it's closing in. I'll complete this. What am I missing? Back to HARVEST:

1. Health: Exercise. Big word. Complicated work. A very, very hard word. A thoroughly foreign word for 4 years. What am I to do? Hard question.

Aargh. It's getting really hard. My body is not letting me complete this. 15 min break. Prophetic title, considering that it came before my post, which is rare.

I Spoke, and God Moved My Mountains

I know what's up. I know why I feel like that. It's the same, after every good sermon. The level of general emotional and spiritual well-being is inversely proportional to the quality and the applicability of the sermon. The more powerful the sermon is, the crappier I feel after that. I mope around for a few days, and forget out the sermon.

I'm not going to be beaten. Never again. I made a promise. I intend to keep it. I can't do it on my own, God. I can't do it. If You don't step it, I'll just drift further and further. I don't want to be a weekend Christian. I've been falling into that lull. I see and read about people around me falling into that lull. Drag me out. Sometimes, I wish I could do something to remind myself that I belong to You, that I'm here to fufill Your purpose. I have thought about cutting myself, carving Your name into my arm, having the pain remind me everyday that You're here. Foolish, childish thoughts. What is the pain of cutting compared to the pain of daily sacrifice, the daily, the hourly bearing of the Cross? Consistent, maximal, complete sacrifice. What is that compared to the temporary, transient pain of a mere cut? I should cut directly into my heart, cutting away the apathy, trimming the judgemental attitudes, everything that dulls my heart, everything that prevents me from obeying you.

I'm afraid of the change, of the hurt. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of losing everything I have painstakingly built up over the past 5 years, high walls, deep moats, wide expanses of mined fields, everything I have built to guard my heart. You, and only You have a shortcut in, but the path changes, moving with my emotional landscape, sometimes blurring, sometimes disappearing. I have tried time and again to change. Everytime, I thought that it'll be different, that this time I'll actually do it.

It's got to do with my love for God. From a purely logical standpoint, I do not yet love God enough to make the change. Shocking? Perhaps, as a Christian, there are some things that are hard to say. Weaknesses that are particularly damning. This is my major weakness. I do not love God enough. I am capable of change, given enough motivation, in form of love. I am capable of loving, and adjusting my actions and thought-life based on that love. The past one and half years have proved that. I just have to stretch it more and more. I'm living on old love, dulled love, wilted love. It's there, but it's not...or rather, it has limited power. Only with fresh outpouring of love can things move. God spoke to me during service, a couple of weeks ago. I still remember what he said. I was frantic, as the whole service had come and almost gone without a touch from God, and as Pastor was asking us to ask God for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit, I believe, I was literally begging God inside to come touch me once again. I didn't have much more time before service ended, and I didn't want to leave service untouched, unchanged. Through my desperation, He spoke. "Out of you will flow rivers of living water." It's a passage in the Bible, but to me it meant more then the words on a page, it was a divine promise from God to me. It was the first time I had really understood the words in the Bible as promises, real promises! It went from logos to rhema. Help me hold them close...closer to my heart then everything else.

The sermon was a powerful one. Life-changing. That's why the Devil's attacking so hard. I put on my helmet of Salvation, my breastplate of Righteousness, my girdle of Truth, my shoes of the Preparation of the Gospel, and of course, the double-edged sword of the Word. This is a battle I'm winning. My garment of Praise. My sacrifice of Praise. In times of trouble, in times of despair, in times of darkness, I put on my garment of Praise.

What's up now? What do I do next? I draw up my TTDL, my Things To Do List. Set deadlines for every item on that list. HARVEST. Health, Ability, Relationships, Visions, Emotional life, Spiritual life, Thought life. I'm slightly disappointed that I only remembered the first item on the list. I shall have to integrate this into my understanding.

Things to do (Unordered)

1. Check the status of my pay. The chance of my pay actually existing, and still existing after so much time has passed is slim, but it's more a closure of a chapter then a hope for extra pocket money.
2. Return HSBC Temporary Card. Chelby's been chasing me about it.
3. Guitar improvement related stuff. Needs to be broken up into more managable, timable and measurable chunks.
4. Sign up for tuition-giving.
5. Organise and start filing sermon notes for service and cell group. It's been messy and all over the place. I've lost quite a few already.
6. Find the owner of the purple notebook left at my house quite sometime ago after cell group.
7. Complete my poly application forms. Schedule my medical appointment. Take passport-sized photo.
8. Bible reading. Restart Bible-reading schedule.
9. Prayer life. Measurable how? Perhaps I'll create a timesheet for the amount of time I've prayed and what God has told me in each prayer session. Hrm, sounds good.
10. Bible Study. I really want to go through Bible Study again, all the way from Getting Started to my current Foundation Truths 2. I want to make sure I'm not missing out in my foundations. Check Bible Study timings. (Thought of something wild. Gatecrashing SoT BS rehashes? Doesn't sound too wise though. Wonder if I should ask Shaun about it.)
    
11. Cell Group. Hrm, biggie. I want to re-earn my Cell Group Helper status, aiming for co-leadering a Connect Group once again. I give me...2 months. 2 months to pray up, to meet up members, to be more active in birthday and events planning.
12. Start sourcing for next CIP outreach. I had a dream last night, Shaun was talking about "the next one" in reference to the previous CIP outreach. Might have problems, with zone reshuffling and possible multiplication. KIV her orphanage.
    
13. Cell Group. To meet at least 1 member or friend every week. For these two weeks before school, I'll make it...3.
14. 7th of April is Charmaine's birthday. Fine time to get in on whatever is moving.

Dinner Break. I'll be back. I promise.

Blocked.

It's March the 30th today. I never realised that my last post was one day before my birthday. I don't know why, but today, right now as I'm blogging, I feel heavy and sad, as the very joy is sucked out of me by blogging. I suddenly feel down, sad. Perhaps in front of the computer, while blogging, is one of the few times I can show my weakness, my emotional vulnerabilities covered up by jokes, smiles. I wonder what I meant by the last statement. I'm not faking it, this joy when I'm with my CG and friends. Perhaps, it is during those times that I forget about trying to be me, and to just be. I don't know, I don't think I'm really talking sense.

I don't feel like thinking today, I think. Nothing too verbose, nothing making sense. I need to change. Tomorrow? No today, I'd think. I've drifted far enough. I can't do this on my own. Tried, tested, and proven.

I feel empty. Soul-crushing emptiness. I don't know why, it just happened. I am such a contemptible creature. Trying to shake it off, listening to Tree63, Blessed Be Your Name. A sacrifice of praise indeed.

Forget it. Whatever it is, I'm missing it right now.

Food!

I just finished Philip Pullman's trilogy, His Dark Materials, more widely known as The Golden Compass, which is only the first book of the series. It is a very intriguing book, and after hearing what other Christians had to say about it, I feel that it's not as bad as they had made it out to be. My favourite part of the book is the last part,

"But then we wouldn't have been able to build it. No one could if they put themselves first. We have to be all those difficult things like cheerful and kind and curious and patient, and we've got to study and think and work hard, all of us, in all our different worlds, and then we'll build..."
"And then what?" said her daemon sleepily. "Build what?"
"The Republic of Heaven," said Lyra.

I understand what the Christians are protesting about. There is an "anti-God" theme in this trilogy, if you look hard enough. I, however, cannot deny that this book has brought me closer to God. How, I cannot say. I just feel...something indescribable inside. I just got up and told myself that I'll work harder for God, work harder to build his Republic of Heaven, right here on Earth. With it came the understanding that I'm not good enough to do what God has put into my hands. Yesterday, I went to sleep without seeking God or his word. I didn't do anything that I had so readily promised. A few hours of sleep, and already I falter.

I will always falter. It's human nature. It's in my nature. What I need is God's help, and God's strength, and God's consistency. God put that literary work into my life to remind me about him, about my promise to him, and him to me. Only God can do that, only from God can I have the strength to do this. I've known this, of course, but never understood it. I'm beginning to understand...

One thing I've always struggled about was the possibility of happiness without God being the part of it. I've always felt guilty about enjoying music, in a very...intense way that I do not feel all the time with God. Admittedly, music doesn't certainly go as deep as God does, but hearing music that I like really brings me to life and puts energy in my body. I love music, and I feel guilty that I may love music more then I love God. Prayer does the same thing, too a much greater extent, but sharing the same inconsistency in results. I am aware of the fact that it is I who is inconsistent, of course. I guess the answer is then to love God more, to the point where I do not feel guilty being happy, as I know a far greater happiness.

I'm going to try apologising to my parents. I'll try to mean it. I've always been frustrated by their reactions to my actions. I've been in the wrong. Almost every single time, I've been almost completely in the wrong. My fault through and through. What I've been frustrated about is their refusal to be nicer about it. They overreact to a small problem, just like I did, and contribute to my spiral deeper into depression. I know that I'm a lousy son, but can't you help me a little? Thoroughly selfish words, but something my human heart has struggled with a bit. I compare how my friends, my cell group members, react and how they react, and sometimes I wish that they would be more supportive and encouraging. This Life business is not easy stuff.

I'm hungry, I think I'll go see if my Dad is willing to give me allowance. I somehow feel that apologising is just going to encourage them, showing them that what they are doing now is the way to go. Sigh. It's like, you did something wrong, and someone did something wrong in return. Apologising is positive reinforcement that your return action was effective. Of course, the arguement for apologising would be that if you had not done the misdemeanour, there would have been no need for the return action. But still, the return action wasn't at all supportive and encouraging. I guess sometimes all I need is someone to believe in me.

I don't know. Really hungry now. Just do what I'm supposed to do I guess. Hrm, betrayed myself there. It's something I have to do, not want to do. I want to apologise to Charmaine for missing Bible Study, but there's no desire to apologise to my parents. I guess that I don't really see it as doing something wrong.

Hrm, just asked them what they were angry about. My sleeping late, apparently. That's the main thing they are angry about. I asked them if I went back to normal, would things go back to normal. They said yes. I think I understand. They do understand me after all. I don't learn by any other way. Near starvation, eating odds and ends around the house have worn me down, and I change due to the negative reinforcement. Crude, but effective, the only effective way. Things change, and I'm glad for it.