Taboo Tomorrow. Hasta la Vista, I Promise.

I seem to lose all interest in a topic after approximately 1600 words. It's getting harder and harder to focus. Help me out here, Daddy. Back to the list:

1. Health
1. I could go cycling with Boon Kiat once in a while. Once every two weeks? How often does he cycle? Check with him.
   
2. Swimming sounds interesting, another low impact sport. I've never really been inclined towards swimming though. Self-image problems, mostly. Maybe I should, just to prove to myself that I can do it. That will have to wait for poly to start, so I can use the pool there. I'll need trunks. Hrm.
   
3. Restart eating of USANA supplements. Two twice a day. Should set handphone reminders for the next two weeks.
4. Not skip a meal, especially breakfast and lunch. If I wake up late, go down to the coffee shop and get something.
5. Keep sleeping before 1 a.m, and from tomorrow onwards, waking up at 9 a.m latest. School's starting soon, my sleeping schedule's got to go back.
2. Ability
1. Guitar. Learn 1 new song every 2 weeks. Look for a guitar teacher, failing which, look for online courses and draw up a schedule. Practise for at least 15 minutes a day.
2. Most of my feeds have to go. I won't have the time. I cleared two largely deadweight feeds. I will also start sharing feeds of interest so I can see which feeds have a relatively smaller click-through rate. If you're interested, here's the feed and the page.
3. School...I can't really say. Tentatively, a GPA of 3.2 for the first semester, with a 95% attendance. Sounds very reasonable. All these should really go into goal setting. I'll split the two tomorrow, it's getting a bit late.
3. Relationships

I think I'll do all these tomorrow. It's getting late, my attention span is seriously lacking, I'm just wandering all over the place right now.

Random To-Do:

1. Order a new pair of glasses
2. Buy string polish, guitar polish, tuner, and soft cloth. Ah, and a guitar pick holder and a few picks, both hard and soft. Get the bigger ones, easier to hold.

Thank God that emptiness is mostly gone, replaced by a sense of purpose. Indeed, without a clear vision, people perish. It is obvious that I am no exception.

Haitus

Back. That was hard. I promised, but that draggy feeling's coming back. I press on. Help me out here, Daddy. If you're here for the first time, don't cheat, read the post below this once first. :P Restarting List:

1. Catch up with old friends I haven't contacted in a while. People that come into mind are Nigel, Andy, Kah Hou, Yong Kiam, Cheryl (Ah, she was asking about a meetup, shall have to contact Naresh and get something together. Long overdue...). A shoutout to Yang Lin perhaps, she took Rui Ling under her very capable wings. Adeline and Adelyn too. Two women of God who made an impression on me. Carolyn... Derrick. Fa Jin too. Nice guy. Ah yes. Foo. Completely forgot about him. Ah yes. Nat, Sarah and Wan Ling. the bubbly trio, how could I have forgotten? Wei Liang, who has found himself a great cell group. Seems like he's pretty on fire, saw him for Friday prayer meeting sometime ago. Wei Qing, and if you're noticed the alphabetical order, I'm going through my phone list. Jared and Alex from school... Will have to organise this later. Major KIV.

Hrm. Break from the list for a bit. As I was flipping through my phonebook, mentally checking off current-acquaintances, current-friends, current-good-friends, previous-friends, previous-acquaintances, I realised that almost everyone in the past have been acquaintances, and...

It's getting very hard to write this. I'm getting very distracted. This part is hard to write. It's so close to my heart, it's so closed to my heart. Too many acquaintances, too few friends. What does being a friend mean? I can't be a friend to everyone, but I somehow feel that I should. I don't know how. I feel like being part of that person's life, sharing in their joys and their hurts, but I don't know how, I don't know where to start.

Wait...I think I do. It's the love. I've got to love that person. Love him or her with my best approximation of agape love. I get a touch of that with Mark, but I'm sure friendships go deeper then that. I don't know what I'm looking for in a friendship. I don't know what is a real friendship. What do friends do? What do they think? Is it just going out, calling each other? Calling them and asking how they are? It's not like that, I'd think. For so many friendship is so natural, but for me, I have to learn how to love. It feels artificial, sometimes. Can you imagine, what kind of pathetic...no. I'm not pathetic just because I cannot yet love properly. God made me whole, he gave me the potential. I just have to unlock it. I am fortunate to have been blessed with an above average intelligence to understand and rectify my situation. By God's grace, I am alive and here today, and I will not cheapen it by cheapening myself. Help me, Daddy. Help me love you, love others, love myself. I am so lacking, so lacking in the areas of love. You have promised me that rivers of living waters will flow out of me. Help me unlock the river of love. I have kept it under lock and key tighter and more secure then I am consciously aware of. Only You can work in my subconscious and unconscious, changing attitudes, altering mindsets, opening rusty gates, unlocking ancient doors.

I can't be a friend to everyone. Can I? Mikki seems to do it. Shaun seems to do it. They have a genuine, vested interest in almost everyone they meet, and seem to just...connect. It's not them, it's God that really shines so brightly through them. People can't help but like them. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. I want something like that. There's a price to pay, of course. I am determined to pay it. Is it a specific calling? I guess to a certain extent...I don't really know. Every single mature member I have met in church so far have been so charismatic. They may not talk a lot, I know Yu Jie doesn't, but there's this glow... I don't think it's a calling. Help me God, I want this presence in me. I lay my life on the altar, I make that choice God. I am willing to pay the price, whatever it is. I want to love others, and to be loved in return.

The mental fog, the irritation, it's closing in. I'll complete this. What am I missing? Back to HARVEST:

1. Health: Exercise. Big word. Complicated work. A very, very hard word. A thoroughly foreign word for 4 years. What am I to do? Hard question.

Aargh. It's getting really hard. My body is not letting me complete this. 15 min break. Prophetic title, considering that it came before my post, which is rare.

I Spoke, and God Moved My Mountains

I know what's up. I know why I feel like that. It's the same, after every good sermon. The level of general emotional and spiritual well-being is inversely proportional to the quality and the applicability of the sermon. The more powerful the sermon is, the crappier I feel after that. I mope around for a few days, and forget out the sermon.

I'm not going to be beaten. Never again. I made a promise. I intend to keep it. I can't do it on my own, God. I can't do it. If You don't step it, I'll just drift further and further. I don't want to be a weekend Christian. I've been falling into that lull. I see and read about people around me falling into that lull. Drag me out. Sometimes, I wish I could do something to remind myself that I belong to You, that I'm here to fufill Your purpose. I have thought about cutting myself, carving Your name into my arm, having the pain remind me everyday that You're here. Foolish, childish thoughts. What is the pain of cutting compared to the pain of daily sacrifice, the daily, the hourly bearing of the Cross? Consistent, maximal, complete sacrifice. What is that compared to the temporary, transient pain of a mere cut? I should cut directly into my heart, cutting away the apathy, trimming the judgemental attitudes, everything that dulls my heart, everything that prevents me from obeying you.

I'm afraid of the change, of the hurt. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of losing everything I have painstakingly built up over the past 5 years, high walls, deep moats, wide expanses of mined fields, everything I have built to guard my heart. You, and only You have a shortcut in, but the path changes, moving with my emotional landscape, sometimes blurring, sometimes disappearing. I have tried time and again to change. Everytime, I thought that it'll be different, that this time I'll actually do it.

It's got to do with my love for God. From a purely logical standpoint, I do not yet love God enough to make the change. Shocking? Perhaps, as a Christian, there are some things that are hard to say. Weaknesses that are particularly damning. This is my major weakness. I do not love God enough. I am capable of change, given enough motivation, in form of love. I am capable of loving, and adjusting my actions and thought-life based on that love. The past one and half years have proved that. I just have to stretch it more and more. I'm living on old love, dulled love, wilted love. It's there, but it's not...or rather, it has limited power. Only with fresh outpouring of love can things move. God spoke to me during service, a couple of weeks ago. I still remember what he said. I was frantic, as the whole service had come and almost gone without a touch from God, and as Pastor was asking us to ask God for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit, I believe, I was literally begging God inside to come touch me once again. I didn't have much more time before service ended, and I didn't want to leave service untouched, unchanged. Through my desperation, He spoke. "Out of you will flow rivers of living water." It's a passage in the Bible, but to me it meant more then the words on a page, it was a divine promise from God to me. It was the first time I had really understood the words in the Bible as promises, real promises! It went from logos to rhema. Help me hold them close...closer to my heart then everything else.

The sermon was a powerful one. Life-changing. That's why the Devil's attacking so hard. I put on my helmet of Salvation, my breastplate of Righteousness, my girdle of Truth, my shoes of the Preparation of the Gospel, and of course, the double-edged sword of the Word. This is a battle I'm winning. My garment of Praise. My sacrifice of Praise. In times of trouble, in times of despair, in times of darkness, I put on my garment of Praise.

What's up now? What do I do next? I draw up my TTDL, my Things To Do List. Set deadlines for every item on that list. HARVEST. Health, Ability, Relationships, Visions, Emotional life, Spiritual life, Thought life. I'm slightly disappointed that I only remembered the first item on the list. I shall have to integrate this into my understanding.

Things to do (Unordered)

1. Check the status of my pay. The chance of my pay actually existing, and still existing after so much time has passed is slim, but it's more a closure of a chapter then a hope for extra pocket money.
2. Return HSBC Temporary Card. Chelby's been chasing me about it.
3. Guitar improvement related stuff. Needs to be broken up into more managable, timable and measurable chunks.
4. Sign up for tuition-giving.
5. Organise and start filing sermon notes for service and cell group. It's been messy and all over the place. I've lost quite a few already.
6. Find the owner of the purple notebook left at my house quite sometime ago after cell group.
7. Complete my poly application forms. Schedule my medical appointment. Take passport-sized photo.
8. Bible reading. Restart Bible-reading schedule.
9. Prayer life. Measurable how? Perhaps I'll create a timesheet for the amount of time I've prayed and what God has told me in each prayer session. Hrm, sounds good.
10. Bible Study. I really want to go through Bible Study again, all the way from Getting Started to my current Foundation Truths 2. I want to make sure I'm not missing out in my foundations. Check Bible Study timings. (Thought of something wild. Gatecrashing SoT BS rehashes? Doesn't sound too wise though. Wonder if I should ask Shaun about it.)
    
11. Cell Group. Hrm, biggie. I want to re-earn my Cell Group Helper status, aiming for co-leadering a Connect Group once again. I give me...2 months. 2 months to pray up, to meet up members, to be more active in birthday and events planning.
12. Start sourcing for next CIP outreach. I had a dream last night, Shaun was talking about "the next one" in reference to the previous CIP outreach. Might have problems, with zone reshuffling and possible multiplication. KIV her orphanage.
    
13. Cell Group. To meet at least 1 member or friend every week. For these two weeks before school, I'll make it...3.
14. 7th of April is Charmaine's birthday. Fine time to get in on whatever is moving.

Dinner Break. I'll be back. I promise.

Blocked.

It's March the 30th today. I never realised that my last post was one day before my birthday. I don't know why, but today, right now as I'm blogging, I feel heavy and sad, as the very joy is sucked out of me by blogging. I suddenly feel down, sad. Perhaps in front of the computer, while blogging, is one of the few times I can show my weakness, my emotional vulnerabilities covered up by jokes, smiles. I wonder what I meant by the last statement. I'm not faking it, this joy when I'm with my CG and friends. Perhaps, it is during those times that I forget about trying to be me, and to just be. I don't know, I don't think I'm really talking sense.

I don't feel like thinking today, I think. Nothing too verbose, nothing making sense. I need to change. Tomorrow? No today, I'd think. I've drifted far enough. I can't do this on my own. Tried, tested, and proven.

I feel empty. Soul-crushing emptiness. I don't know why, it just happened. I am such a contemptible creature. Trying to shake it off, listening to Tree63, Blessed Be Your Name. A sacrifice of praise indeed.

Forget it. Whatever it is, I'm missing it right now.

Food!

I just finished Philip Pullman's trilogy, His Dark Materials, more widely known as The Golden Compass, which is only the first book of the series. It is a very intriguing book, and after hearing what other Christians had to say about it, I feel that it's not as bad as they had made it out to be. My favourite part of the book is the last part,

"But then we wouldn't have been able to build it. No one could if they put themselves first. We have to be all those difficult things like cheerful and kind and curious and patient, and we've got to study and think and work hard, all of us, in all our different worlds, and then we'll build..."
"And then what?" said her daemon sleepily. "Build what?"
"The Republic of Heaven," said Lyra.

I understand what the Christians are protesting about. There is an "anti-God" theme in this trilogy, if you look hard enough. I, however, cannot deny that this book has brought me closer to God. How, I cannot say. I just feel...something indescribable inside. I just got up and told myself that I'll work harder for God, work harder to build his Republic of Heaven, right here on Earth. With it came the understanding that I'm not good enough to do what God has put into my hands. Yesterday, I went to sleep without seeking God or his word. I didn't do anything that I had so readily promised. A few hours of sleep, and already I falter.

I will always falter. It's human nature. It's in my nature. What I need is God's help, and God's strength, and God's consistency. God put that literary work into my life to remind me about him, about my promise to him, and him to me. Only God can do that, only from God can I have the strength to do this. I've known this, of course, but never understood it. I'm beginning to understand...

One thing I've always struggled about was the possibility of happiness without God being the part of it. I've always felt guilty about enjoying music, in a very...intense way that I do not feel all the time with God. Admittedly, music doesn't certainly go as deep as God does, but hearing music that I like really brings me to life and puts energy in my body. I love music, and I feel guilty that I may love music more then I love God. Prayer does the same thing, too a much greater extent, but sharing the same inconsistency in results. I am aware of the fact that it is I who is inconsistent, of course. I guess the answer is then to love God more, to the point where I do not feel guilty being happy, as I know a far greater happiness.

I'm going to try apologising to my parents. I'll try to mean it. I've always been frustrated by their reactions to my actions. I've been in the wrong. Almost every single time, I've been almost completely in the wrong. My fault through and through. What I've been frustrated about is their refusal to be nicer about it. They overreact to a small problem, just like I did, and contribute to my spiral deeper into depression. I know that I'm a lousy son, but can't you help me a little? Thoroughly selfish words, but something my human heart has struggled with a bit. I compare how my friends, my cell group members, react and how they react, and sometimes I wish that they would be more supportive and encouraging. This Life business is not easy stuff.

I'm hungry, I think I'll go see if my Dad is willing to give me allowance. I somehow feel that apologising is just going to encourage them, showing them that what they are doing now is the way to go. Sigh. It's like, you did something wrong, and someone did something wrong in return. Apologising is positive reinforcement that your return action was effective. Of course, the arguement for apologising would be that if you had not done the misdemeanour, there would have been no need for the return action. But still, the return action wasn't at all supportive and encouraging. I guess sometimes all I need is someone to believe in me.

I don't know. Really hungry now. Just do what I'm supposed to do I guess. Hrm, betrayed myself there. It's something I have to do, not want to do. I want to apologise to Charmaine for missing Bible Study, but there's no desire to apologise to my parents. I guess that I don't really see it as doing something wrong.

Hrm, just asked them what they were angry about. My sleeping late, apparently. That's the main thing they are angry about. I asked them if I went back to normal, would things go back to normal. They said yes. I think I understand. They do understand me after all. I don't learn by any other way. Near starvation, eating odds and ends around the house have worn me down, and I change due to the negative reinforcement. Crude, but effective, the only effective way. Things change, and I'm glad for it.

Rebirth

Just rededicated today. Went into service, not really expecting anything. Lights on, sound, music. Went into auto praise mode. Sounds fake huh, auto praise mode. I guess it is, if you want to call it that way. I'm warming up to really get to know God. I think I'm doing it wrong though. I'm supposed to be there to praise God, not to warm up to receive the presence of God. Don't usually do that though. It's just that these couple of weeks really destroyed whatever fragile spirit man I've built up, and I'm literally working up from Ground Zero here. Well, maybe not so bad, but it sure was a major setback. I moped around for 2 weeks this time, longest ever since after O levels. Why, I'm not sure. I don't remember what triggered me. I think it was me missing one day of work due to oversleeping. When I woke up, I just decided there and then that I'm in trouble, and proceeded to mess up the rest of my life. Funny huh? Illogical too, most likely. I haven't been really spiritual before that either. I don't remember the last time I prayed at home, or even read the Bible. Faith comes by hearing. and hearing by the Word of God. I was built on sand, ready for the first wave to wash me away. One of the two revelations I received was that spiritual maturity not only consists of depth of spiritual understanding, but also consistency. In fact, I think consistency plays a slightly larger and more important role. Pastor Kong and Dr. A R Benard, have perhaps different levels of spiritual understanding, but their consistency is there. Charmaine, perhaps, may not have the spiritual understanding of Pastor Kong, but her consistency is there. I have, daresay, average spiritual understandings of most major spiritual issues, but no consistency to carry them out. Of course, consistency is one of the spiritual understandings that I have to integrate into my life, just separating them for clarity. I asked Shaun about consistency, and he told me that I can't do it on my own. Not without God. Something that I have undoubtedly heard time and again from him to me, but something that has eluded me time and again. Many are the things I do not understand. My statement above was perhaps boastful. Most probably. I have no comparision for an average except for myself. Other people cannot be factored in, as that would be playing God by judging other people's spiritual life. Against myself, I realise that my spiritual knowledge is a downright fail. I'm an educated person, blessed with above-average intelligence. I have however seldom used them in an effort to know God better. Shaun has been encouraging me to read books on Christianity, on the apologetics. I haven't touched a single page. I promised myself to read through Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Haven't touched that either. It's staring at me in the face now. Biochemical imbalances, cognitive dissonance, all these are just smoke screens for "I Don't Care Enough". I do admit that the above are major aggravators of my problem, but they can't cause it. I, at the most basic level, don't care enough. I care enough to bring my iPod out wherever I go, because I know that it provides comfort, and solitude among the masses. Why not the same for God and his work, his disciplines, his Word, his children? I need to care more. For my own sake.

Where was I? Auto praise mode, had to scroll back to check, heh. Yeah, once I was nice and warmed up, feeling a twinge of guilt even as I type that out, I felt the Wall. It's the same wall that I run into time and again when I'm spiritually down. It's a blankness, like... walking around in the dark. Well, I don't know how to describe it. It's a precursor for meeting God, a spiritual encounter. There's two ways it can go. Sometimes, I am not steadfast and strong enough to press on. I then lose that chance. Other times, I press in, and get to feel God's personal presence, as opposed to the corporate presence that I'm sure all of us feel to a certain extent. I was about to type "even nonbelievers", but just get the feeling that it's being judgemental. One of my strongest feelings of God's presence was when I was saved. I was just crying and crying. I went on my knees, and I remember lifting my hands straight up. When they started to hurt, I told God, "If this pain is what it takes, I'll do it. I'll do it God". I knelt down, and really meant it. It was one of the few times when I knelt down without wondering if I should be doing it. I knew I did, on that day. Give me back my first love, God. The second revelation you showed me was when I went up for the altar call during Breakaway camp. It was a call for people who felt that God has called them for... something great, I think. I'm not very sure. Something along that line. I remember going up, we were singing a song about.. depending on God. We kept repeating the line that told us to depend on God. I felt God speak to me then. Every time I sang the line, He told me, was one time I decided to do things on my own, to rely on my own strength. he reminded me how he plucked me from IMH, all the way from the Children's ward to where I am today. He saw who I could be, who he had made me into, not the wreck I was, the suicidal, clinically depressed child I was. I cried so much that night. It was such a powerful presence. How can I let that go? How can I let that slip past? I can't. Not now, not ever. I pray for your strength, Daddy. Send me the Helper, send me the Friend, send me the Holy Spirit. Help me yield to You, yield to the Holy Spirit as He prompts, guides, reprimands, consoles, as He puts a smile on my face, as He wipes my tears away. These are not just words on a screen, because these words will frame my life. These words have power, and the truth will set me free. You suddenly bring to my remembrance of my promise during service. I knew I had to make the choice to tell You that I wanted to come back to you wholeheartedly. You were there in the blankness, whispering to me, "You promise? You promise as I have promised you, and have never failed to deliver?". I finally got the courage to whisper back, "Yes, God, I promise". I have promised, and this covenant will stand. There will be times when I'm spiritually down, God, but never again will I run away from You for so long, shirking responsibilities both spiritual and natural. Help me to keep this covenant. It is better to have not said, then to have promised and not delivered. Hold me to this promise, God, and give me the strength, the courage, the stamina to consistently and unfailingly deliver on this promise. When I fall, God, pick me up, bind the devils of condemnation that bind me every time I fall. Speak to me, and give me the presence of mind, the hunger to speak to you. Is it something I can keep? Is it too drastic a promise for a, for all practical purposes, new believer? I remember the Bible saying that a man once promised that he'll sacrifice the first thing coming out of his house if he won the battle. When he won and got back, his daughter came out his house to greet him. He promised, and in the end he did deliver, bitterly. Is this the same kind of foolish promise? Is it too much to expect myself to turn back to God everytime I fall? I think I was vague in my promise. "so long" I said, not specifying a time. How can I put a time down? I'm afraid of making promises I can't keep, mainly because I fall into depression if I can't keep them. What can I keep then, God? What is an acceptable and pleasing sacrifice within my means? I will think about it, God, and I will refine that promise. I don't think that it was a proper promise, it was too vague. Is this mere panicking due to me making a promise that I may not be able to keep? I don't know, I'm not sure. On one hand, we have realism. God doesn't expect us to lead pure and sinless lives, he just wants us to go back to him, seek forgiveness, and learn from the mistake.

I just took a break to think about what I just typed. Is that it? Do I have my answer there. Do I have to give allowances to my sinful nature? The way I feel I should see it is that I'm recognising the limits of my spiritual man. 1 day. I g.. should I even give myself one day? I feel that I'm setting myself up for failure here. Is the above a promise that I cannot keep already?

The time doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that I come back to you as soon as possible, that I try my best to listen, and submit. I might mope for a day, I might mope for two, but I will still seek your presence as soon as possible. Is that going easy on myself? Only if the thought that, "I have time before I have to seek God", crosses my mind. If that happens, I break the promise. What happens if I just mope around? I think I'm being too caught up in the details here. I just want to...put a price to my disobedience. Something that will make me think twice before I do anything stupid. I think I'll leave it at that, to seek God as soon as I realise my mistake. The extent of which you will hold me to my promise is in your hands. All the way, I guess. You've never been anything but all the way in your promises to me. I pray that I can go all the way too. Help me.

Ah yes, where was I. Blankness, then the presence. I was still very distracted during the service, thoughts keep popping in and out, couldn't really concentrate very well, but I could feel God's presence. I think I lost months of training my mind to focus on God. I'll get it back, every single bit of it and more. There was a certain self-conciousness during service too. That too, will pass. Or rather, we'll get it back. I realised something. It's not me, it's You, is something that I've often repeated to myself. Well, I think I'll change it. It's not just me, it's not just you, it's us. If we won't move, God generally won't move us. If God won't move, it's futile moving. Only when Man and God works together that the power of God is able to flow through the person, working miracles in his life, and other surrounding him.

Service was good, I'll look through the notes to reinforce what we learnt about servanthood. Altar call was special. I told God that if there's an altar call for backsliders, I promised him I'll go up. My physical actions have spiritual consequences, something I learnt in church today. I admit that I was kinda wishing that there wouldn't be an altar call for the unbelievers and backsliders today, but the call came. I hesitated, and went down. Something changed, I'm sure. It wasn't a strong presence, no electricity like Breakaway Camp. A very slient shifting of mindsets, a slient but strong rebuke to the spirits of condemnation and fear, a quiet refilling of my spiritual tank.

I not back where I used to be. I didn't exactly behave like what I should during fellowship, still a emo, maybe because I was tired and hungry, but the winds are definitely blowing in a new direction tonight. I'll keep it blowing, I'll keep on blowing for you God. Only for you.

I apologise to the people I have hurt, directly or indirectly. Wen Jie called me repeatedly, showing his concern, which I snubbed. Mikki, Naresh, Mark also called during that period, and I'm sure others called while my phone was off. Thanks for caring, am I'm sorry for belittling your care and concern. I guess there's nothing much I can say, expect through my actions, actions once again befitting of a maturing Christian. Thanks Jermaine for unknowingly clearing the smokescreen I set up to deceive myself, you were in just the right place at the right time. Thanks everyone, for treating me normally, not like the unclean outcast I made myself to be. Thank you Shaun, for showing me in the past how you cut right through my self-created Gordian knots so that I may learn how to attempt it myself. This problem is not completely solved, there are still smaller knots, debris of the larger knot. They created the knot, all of them tied together by a convenient event, and have now fallen separate. These knots have been around for a long time. I know how to untie some, but do not yet understand, care enough, or are not yet brave enough to untie them. Some of them will stay around longer then others, but all will in time disappear. Such is life, and it goes on. Help me, everyone. Remind me of what you read today. I hope ya'll got something out of this too. Have a great day ahead, and God bless.

P.S Yeah, I know I've got to apologise directly to them. I'll get down to it tomorrow morning. Also, I realise that Galdys, my Children's Church Visitation Leader wasn't on the list, as was Derrick. Both I have kept in suspense, which ends tomorrow. or today, rather, seeing that it's 2:45 in the morning.

P.P.S I'm no longer a connect group leader, and rightfully so, but I'll work at it, and I'll gain back everything I lost, and more, the respect, the trust, everything, for your honour and glory. Praise be to You, for it is not only I who moves, but us.