The Way Is Clouded, And I Cannot See

Hrm, 20 days later. 8 more days and I'll have zombies in my blog. Admittedly, that joke was from the Kingdom of Loathing, a web-based game I play. Pretty interesting game, certainly not your run-of-the-mill web-based hack-n-slash.

Recent influx of readers, most probably from my class, whom I added on MSN. As usual, nothing will change. I don't write for other peoples' reading pleasure, and I never will. Haha, maybe that's my blog posts are all so long.

Lots have happened since I've last posted. School is starting tomorrow, Orientation just ended yesterday. I guess all that have been overshadowed by my apathy, my laziness. Still I haven't done what I need to. Talked to who I needed to the most. I stood aloof as my emotions took over and I hid in the kitchen, away from the only person who could have helped me then. Why do I do what I do? I've always struggled with that question. I don't love God enough? That seems to be the only answer. Shaun always said that there's no point in loving God 50%, or 70%, or 99%, but to love him 100% all the time. I've never managed to do that. Not in my 1 year plus as a Christian. My potential is there, but I've never stepped out of my comfort zone. Frustrating. I felt like screaming and breaking down during the CG. I've never felt that way since I ran out of service some time ago. Satan won, but only for a while. I went back.

Help me go back to you Daddy. I need you so much now, with school starting tomorrow. I need you every step I take, every move I make, every word I say. Without you, I am nothing. Everything I do alone seems cursed, ineffective, tiring, but with you all things are possible. Help me believe that Lord. There is doubt in my heart, doublemindedness that has plagued me ever since I became a Christian. I don't want it. I don't want it. Help me.

You've told me to pray. Rhema, even. I've been stubborn. Strip this spirit of pride from me, clothe me in humility. I will give up the dream of being in medicine school if that's what it takes to become a better Christian. Guide me in your righteousness. I trust in you...

I'm tired, and my mind is clouded....

With A Thankful Heart

Gah, seriously can't sleep without posting a shoutout.

Thanks for the encouragement Charis! You really made my day. Also, I haven't forgotten about Adobe CS 3 for both you and Xue Ting.

Sleepy now, before my Mom comes out again. Bai bai!