I'm clearer about why I blog now. I blog because I don't have any best friend I can talk to. Mark, or anyone who is reading this...
That was hard to type out. Everytime after saying something that hurts, I'll stand up, even for a few seconds, take a 5 second walk, just run away for 5 seconds from the fact that I don't have any best friends. Mark, or anyone close to my heart that's reading this, Mikki, Boon Kiat, Wen Chieh, Jermaine, Shaun (although he's most probably not reading this, ahaha), the fault lies with me. For some above, I'm too proud to say some of the things that I feel like saying, I'm too proud in thinking that you might not understand. For some above, part of my friendship has been forged on idealised versions of you. As I grow closer to you, this ideal fades, along with my dream of having someone to agape. Some others are a very source of some of the problems I struggle with. For Shaun, at least, I think I know where is his place in my life. He is my friend, my leader, my encourager, but not a soulmate.
Actually, I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter. Somewhat, perhaps. More more than less. I don't even know what being a friend is. I don't even know what phileo love is like. I don't think I'm an unpleasant person to be around. I'm pretty much sociable most of the time, and the times I which I emo, I usually try to keep to myself and not make a fuss. It's just that I don't carry this love for people back home with me. When I left the MRT today, it's as if I left a large part of my love behind, my love for every single one of those brothers and sisters in the train.
Which brings me to the question of course that did I love then, or did I just do what I've learnt to do? Was it all just in deed? It certainly feels like it. Then again, I do bring love back home, sometimes. I'm so afraid that it's the wrong kind. I know it's the wrong kind. I'm chasing ideals again, and it'll kill me emotionally.
You, Rachel, are a poor alternative to a close friend. You listen, but don't reply. That's only half. Ha, just finished my tau suan. Anyways, I've put a piece of my heart in you, but I will never get any back. I will never get any pep talks, reprimands, revelations, rhema word, I won't get anything from you but silence.
What am I to do about this? Everytime I come back here, it seems such a mess. Seems like when God cleans up a part of you, He shows you this whole new messed up part. Perhaps He doesn't want to scare you. Perhaps He only shows me what I can handle. To quote a Lifehouse song, Storm,
I know you didn'tMy answer lies in the next lines, I guess.
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
If I could just see You,I've should read the Bible more. If I spend half as much time reading the Bible as I do listening to music. I would finish the Bible in 6 months. I love music. It has been my strength in so many situations. I'm starting to ramble...It's 2:27 AM.
everything will be all right.
If I could see You,
this darkness will turn to light.
And I will walk on water,
and you will catch me if I fall.
Faith, Hope and Love. I am nothing without Love. But why the difference between Faith and Hope? Isn't Faith the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen? Ah, Faith is the substance.
Suddenly struck me while playing with the defective newfangled adhesive from the movie goody-bag. This blog exemplifies how I try to solve my own problems by myself. Thinking it through with my feeble human mind, guided my emotions which Shaun had correctly pointed out some time ago cannot be trusted. As I tire and thrash, my spirit grows weak, and I find myself slipping further and further down. I really should be talking to God about this. God's smiling over us tonight.
Haha, it's been a custom of mine I guess, to check the word count on my posts. I've been posting shorter and shorter message, probably due to a lot of offload of emotions onto friends around me. Still I run to you though, for things that I cannot say out loud. 800 words of angst and emotion. I hope it keep shrinking. Maybe then I'll actually (gasp) post something productive.
