Dis. Connect. Ed. Ram. Blings.

Hrm. Jessica once commented that I'm random when I have nothing to say. Something which I vigorously denied, but on later hindsight found through. I'm tempted to be random now, but in reality, I don't think I have anything to say. Not now, anyway. Or maybe something's inside. Or maybe there's just nothing.

I should think less, and do more. Let those who have eyes, let them see. Let those who have ears, ,let them hear. Let those who have an overactive imagination, let them channel it appropriately into godly activities.

What am I to do with shame? I often find myself lying to get rid of it. I can't do it this time. Two days of guilt. 5 days of guilt. I have to face it head on. I was irresponsible. I saw the SMSes, heard the calls, and chose to do nothing. I woke up, stared at the ceiling and chose to go back to sleep. I chose, and I shall not lie about it. I shall not make excuses to anyone. The truth shall set me free.

Talking about it doesn't absolve me from any blame though. Hrm. I tend to be like that. I get uncomfortable not taking notes, but I when I do take notes, I have to admit that I'm pretty casual with them. I haven't touched any of my sermon notes for the wrong time. It's almost as if writing notes absolves me from having to think about them. Not right. Not godly.

I'm so concerned with how I appear. What about my relationship with God? Is it on the right track? I'm ok with things I do for other people, serving people, but what about Mary? Martha's there, but Mary still has some way to go in my life.

I guess I don't really have anything to say after all. All these are just fragmented thought, mere finger exercises. I'm losing it. Haven't been praying or reading the Bible these few days, and already I'm losing it. Days, hours even. Can't lose the presence. Not now.

Help!

One More For Love, My Love. One More For Love!

Hrm...

Short, but sweet. It's far too early, in the morning, to be thinking about you... Haha, I like those lyrics. Tick of Time by the Kooks.

Anyways, I called Jermaine to pray for her last night, and something she said really struck me. I've been praying for more love, and she asked me, "Why do you think that you aren't loving enough now?", or something to that effect. I've never really thought about it, and couldn't really express my thoughts on the spot. Maybe she caught that too, if she did, she didn't say anything about it.

Thinking about it, I do need more love, yes, but what I need even more is a broader love, for me to love everyone. I find it easier to love Mikki, Jermaine, Shaun, Mark, Wen Chieh, Lay Hwa, then it is for me to love something I may not like so much, or even someone I dislike.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48, with much gratitude to Google and BibleGateway. This perfect love is not just for Jesus. As Peter walked on water, I, too, see what Jesus can, has, will, and is still doing, and am calling out to Him, "Let me love all!" I do not want to merely love as a Gentile, I have not been called for that.

I think, on the other hand, what I said to Jermaine is true as well. I express my love through acts of service, through random blessings. I want to be more sensitive to other people, more...awareness of other people. Like, during the day, I want my love for the people around me to occupy my thoughts, not to have my mind run amok with illusions of grandour or God forbid, lustful thoughts. That's what I want for love.

Allow me then, to quote a song in its entirety, another first for my blog. Five for Fighting - One More For Love

Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe we almost got it right
There's a fire burning in the firelight
As we roll on tonight

There's paper promises and alibis
There is certainly uncertainty in all our eyes
But as long as you are here I'll be all right
As we roll on tonight

So you go out...I'll go on
If there's a doubt...we'll be strong
As we go on singing
One more for love my love
One more for love...

There's always blood to fill the heart betrayed
There are children being born to every house that's raised
And we're getting closer to where we got it made
As we roll on tonight

So you go out...I'll go on
If there's a doubt...we'll be strong
As we go on singing
One more for love my love
One more for love...

I'm never going to wait for anything
Never going to break for anything
Cause I am one more for love my love
One more for love
One more for love my love

Baby there's something on my mind tonight
There's a reason to believe that we got it right
And all in all you're all that's on my mind tonight
As we roll on...

One more for love my love
One more for love

One more for love indeed.

On an unrelated note, I just had a dream earlier. I dreamt that Pastor Robb Thompson was coming to our church, and I was given a firecracker that if presented first in line on the first day, I would receive a...pie, if I recall correctly, some sort of pastry at least from his aunt, who was somehow baking on that day. I think it's my brain's way of screaming at me that I had to wake up early to queue with Mark, and indeed I woke up after that dream at about 5:00 am. Impressive, considering the fact that I didn't set an alarm on either my alarm clock or handphone.

Time for me to go. Loving you guys and gals out there. You loved me when I couldn't then love back, you taught me love when I had, but couldn't express, and you show me deeper, and greater love, when I thought that what I had was it. For Your sake, God, I'll never be satisfied. I won't worry or fret over it, but I'll keep Your love in mind always.

I believe, Lord! Help my unbelief! I love You, and love others! Greater then eros, greater then philia, let your agape love shine on me, overflowing into every area of my life. Forgive my debts, as I forgive my debtors. Your will be done.

I am...reading everything backwards. Like, normal, standard webcomics and print comics. Right to left. ><

Mmm, just finished Love Hina, the manga version. I like it.

Threshing Floor Experiences

I crucify my flesh. I run this race with endurance, this race that was set beside me, despising all except the glory of God.

If this is what I am to go through, this hardest test of my life thus far, do not reduce this sentence for even one minute God. Let me go through this threshing floor, as I remember Charmaine preaching about so long ago. Let me go through this threshing floor, all the chaff burnt away for the wheat, for the gold, pure gold refined by the fiery furnace. Take everything you want God, but preserve my life. Break me, but preserve my Spirit. I yield, I believe, help me in my unbelief!