The Death of a Dream

Just had a dream. A non-descript flower in a pot, white petals with a yellow centre. It was asking another flower, "What can I do?" I do not remember the flower, nor its reply. It then asked the peas, "What can I do?" The peas answered, "You can tend the sheep." The flower then said, "How can I, for I have no hands." I was holding an orchid plant, and it was growing, and growing, literally growing in my hands. When it was fully grown, people from the CG was crowding excitedly around me, picking the purple orchids from the plant. Everyone was really happy and excited, there was a genuine, childlike 'kampung' feel to it, as if we were all kids again, excited by the little toys and big imaginations. We weaved the orchids on a circular pointed roof made of flowers, and it looked beautiful...

Next thing I know, we destroyed the roof. The roof had not been attached to anything, and we removed the flowers and turned it inside out. I was sad. The me-that-was-in-the-dream reasoned that there was a cycle to everything, that everything dies and returns to the earth. The roof will decompose, and one again return to as soil, nourishing the trees, and returning as wood.

I draw one conclusion and one revelation from the dream. You may not be able to do things that others can do, but you can bring joy to people. You can, for a moment, bring them back to their childhood, the times where the world seemed like a giant playground, limited only by one's limitless imagination. In that, you can be important too.

When I woke, I pondered upon the dream, and a verse jumped out at me:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. - 2 Co 5:17

and almost immediately after that

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. - 2 Co 4:16

I used to read "old things have passed away" as meaning old defeats, past failures. Not so! What is glorious passes away too. The Bible tells us that:

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. -2 Cor 3:18

Your greatest assets, your strongholds of victories in Christ, all these will too pass away. Not so to ruin, but to make way for even greater works that God wants to bring into your life!

Too often, we pray heavy, sad prayers.

"Oh Lord, I have again stumbled in the face of temptation."

"Oh Lord, help me in my weaknesses."

"Oh Lord, my enemies have once again come to my gates. Help me!"

Occasionally, we pray triumphant, happy prayers.

"Thank you God for this breakthrough!"

But don't stop there!

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. - John 12:24

Don't hold on to your victory! Let it die, and be a seed for future growth.

"Thank you God for this breakthrough! I know that this is just the beginning of what you have in store for me! Once again I lay everything on the altar, my victories and defeats, my strengths and my weaknesses. Bring me higher! To God be the glory!"

Where Do You Want To Go Today?

'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where--' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Where do you want to go today? Somewhere doesn't cut it. Anyone who walks long enough gets somewhere. Do you care enough about where you're going to ask how?

Boxy Box Box and Loose Socks

Ouch. I really was an emo blogger. I think I'm still an emo person, but learning to do it "on my own time". I think that's my next stage, to fully compartmentalise this instability into little boxes.

Heh, took a peak at the MV for Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. I have to admit that I'm turned off. That, and knowing that my parents are watching TV behind me doesn't dispose me towards watching the full version. Reminds me of the time I watched a concert of a rock band which name escapes me. I only remember the stage being grand, outlandishly outfitted, complete with a giant glittering ball over the stage. (Googling "rock concert giant glittering ball" throws up Pink Floyd, which I'm inclined to believe in lieu of me remember the name Swee Keng dropped). The lead singer was wearing some sort of pink/purple leotard that has a giant U-shaped low cut cut all the way down the front to the waist. My jaw dropped, and SK looked at me askance, remarking, "You don't know meh? They all used to dress like that." I prefer my music less...mind-blowing.

I don't have to take things all the way. I can pick what I can, and leave the rest. While this might fare well in my dealings with this world, I don't think it'll bring me very far with God.

Bowen And Daddy Make An Opinion

Just went out to chill with some friends. Happy birthday Xiang Ling!

Heard stories. My curiousity was piqued about clubbing, drinking, and just hanging out in pubs and clubs. I want to form an opinion on these issues, and I cannot do that without experience. There are some things which are obviously bad, or where precedent has shown it harmful in certain ways, but neither is the case with this issue.

Drinking is clear-cut. I do not trust myself with alcohol. Non-negotiable position for the next few years, at least.

As for going to clubs, I think that the difference between my trip and the trip of the guy who just puked outside the club is the company. Tentatively, I think that the people you go with makes 90% of the experience, largely insulating me from any sleazy flip-side of clubs (I am obviously overhyping the negative aspects, and that is all I have heard from others). I will for now only go with people I know very well and who know me even better. Taking that circle of friends, and intersecting that with the friends I know who might be remotely interested in this area, it leaves just a few people. Heh. Looks like I may not be going anytime soon. I don't think I'm that kind of person you'd want to bring to a club, anyway. For now, at least.

I guess all this is probably premature, but as Pastor Phil wrote in his blog, we should prepare our stance beforehand, before the tempting and trials and tribulations come. Deciding then might bring you under the wrong pressures and influences. Thus this.

Is that a naive opinion? Is that an uninformed opinion? Is that a correct stance to take? Or rather, is that an appropriate stance to take?

Daddy?

And They Called It Puppy Love

Heh. Cute, if you know the original story.

Love, Lost and Found

Sometimes when I try to be a friend to others, and I get rebuffed, rebuked, or otherwise ignored, I often think if the person is worth it. "True friendship is a two-way relationship", I would think. "If the other person doesn't reciprocate, maybe it's not worth it."

How wrong can one get? True friendship is not a two-way relationship. It is two one-way relationships. Love is the one way relationship that each carries for each other. In two way relationships, love is somewhat conditional, but in two one-way relationships, each party loves each other with all their heart, no matter what the other person does or say. Mikki, Boon Kiat, Mark, Shaun. These are people that have seen my wildest side, my darkest moments, and have told themselves that "I still love Bowen for who he is." They don't even see me for who I can be. It's not that they see a lot of potential in me, potential to be great or someone smart or famous. They see me as who I am, faults and all, and still they love me, lovingly correcting my faults and bad attitudes.

Can you be a friend like that? Can you participate in this two one-way relationships? Can I?

Foo

Wow. July 16th. Haven't updated in quite a while. Never had anything positive to write. I rather not write, and keep all my negativity to myself. Don't know why, but blogging to me seems like an accentuator of my feelings. If I'm feeling happy, blogging about happy things, I get happier. When I'm sad, and blog about sad stuff, I get more upset over whatever I'm upset about.

Oh yes, got curious a while back, shot off an email to church. What I asked about should be pretty evident.

Dear Bowen,

Greetings in the wonderful name of Jesus!

Thank you so much for taking time to write to our church.

In response to your email, we have searched through our records and the date you received Christ was on Sunday, November 12, 2006.

We hope the information is helpful to you!

May God bless you richly!

Yours sincerely,

Serene Koh | Church Liaison Officer

City Harvest Church

It's always nice to know this kind of thing. Less than one month to go till my anniversary with God. I still can't believe it's been three years...

Pyromaniacs: Jesus' "dumb question" that wasn't (and isn't) [requested classic re-post]

Read this. Am I guilty of it? Are you?

For Now We See Through A Glass, Darkly

!

All Things To All Men

<sup>Serving All Men

19</sup> For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; ²⁰ and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; ²¹ to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; ²² to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. ²³ Now this I do for the gospel’s sake, that I may be partaker of it with you.

- 1 Corinthians 9:19-22

I thought I understood. I don't. It's not written anywhere other than my Bible. It's not in my head, it's not my heart. Not yet. For the joy set before me, by the grace I have been given, through the body made virtuous by the tested renewal of my mind, I will understand and put into action this Book I read and make my own.

<sup>Striving for a Crown

24</sup> Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. ²⁵ And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. ²⁶ Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. ²⁷ But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

And this is how I will do it. It is no coincidence that one of the greatest practical instructions for winning the lost is sandwiched in between two aptly titled chapters, "A Pattern of Self-Denial" and "Striving for a Crown".

25 Rando... Oh Not You Too

Yeah. I jumped on the notes thingy on Facebook a few months ago. Most surveys of this nature are not worth a second look, but I really poured my soul into this one. Me, writing at my best.

I'm slow on the bandwagon, but since when do I follow trends, anyway? *shrug*

First, the Obligatory Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I have this thing for walking, walking absurd distances when I'm feeling depressed. My record is Queenstown --> Simei in a midnight walk, the most recent one being Chua Chu Kang to Jurong East. The biggest challenge is not the distance, but finding a toilet when you need one.

2. I walk when I'm waiting for the train. I'll usually walk up and down the platform, but if it's too crowded, I will do a smallish circular loop between the two train platforms. Most friends wouldn't have seen it, I only do it when I'm alone.

3. I bop my head and tap my feet to the current song on my iPod. In public. I like trains, everyone's shaking around anyway, so it's not as obvious if you groove a bit. I really like my music. ;)

4. I navigate mostly by gut feel. This gut feel, while serving me well most of time, tends to throw me off when I need to break some routine. A memorable occasion was a big day in church sometime ago. I needed to go to Expo, and was headed there on the train. My gut feel then raised a flag as I usually go for Jurong Service. I dutifully got off the train, and arrived at Boon Lay, only then realising that I was right the first time. Needless to say, I was...late. Walking in circles tend to disorient me in regards to which side I'm supposed to take, causing me to board the wrong train on a few important occasions.

5. My randomness and appropriateness of speech and actions is proportional to my physical tiredness. I have said, and sometimes done, stupid and insensitive things when I'm tired. I'm also prone to spout random observations and thoughts.

6. I have wierd and disturbing dreams. A not-so-hostile takeover of an Indian ferry is a memorable one that I can mention in public.

7. I eat a lot, but only if I haven't eaten that day. To compensate, I eat all sorts of junk food for my calorie intakes. I can drink up to a few litres of Milo over the course of a day, and singlehandedly consume entire tins of biscuits.

8. I came to Christianity because of a hole in my soul. The computer could plug it, but I would always feel empty, angry, and frustrated inside. People could fill me, but it'll all leak out in a matter of hours, or even minutes. God filled me and made me whole.

9. One of my favourite authors is Theodor Seuss Geisel, or as most would know him, Dr. Suess. His command of the English language was impressive, good enough that he did not have to hide under verbosity or vocabulary. Maybe, someday, I'll write like him too. 

10. I dream of being a photographer, a dancer, a singer, a musician, a scientist, a writer, and a psychologist. All these are strong interests of mine that have not faded like so many other short-lived passions that have flamed up over the years.

11. I love anything with mint in it. Mint chocolate, mint ice-cream, mint coffee, mint crisps, mint sweets. My wierdest mint obbsession to date is mint milk tea with pearls. I have no idea why so many people I introduce it to find it unpalatable.

12. I am somewhat intimidated by people taller then me, as I am not used to that kind of situation due to its rarity.

13. I am easily distracted. On more then one occasion, I was distracted from typing an sms by something outside the bus, subsequently forget that I was sending an sms and returned the phone to my pocket. I even glanced at it, and cancelled the then unrecognised half-written message.

14. When I was younger, I sometimes had a sudden urge to eat my pillow. I would then chew on its corners, and would get scolded by my parents.

15. I do not usually talk when I'm eating, prefering to concentrate on my meal, and talk afterwards, though I do enjoy listening to the dinner conversation.

16. My top love language is quality time. I will literally run across Singapore to spend time with a friend. Those who know me know how far I am willing to go.

17. I have never seriously self-studied for more then 2 hours straight in my life. In that sense, I have never learnt how to study when I need to.

18. My pet grammatical peeve is "...and me", or "me and..." It jumps out to me like how a shark jumps for a carcass, no matter where I am, or who says it. Occasionally, I am polite enough not to point it out.

19. I generally avoid abbreviations in my typing, be it online or in smses. I do not use 'u', but permit myself 'lol'. I am prone, however, to contractions like 'can't' and 'won't' leaking into my formal, written language.

20. I have a drawer containing everyone everything has given me. It's a drawer saturated with love and well-wishes from my friends...

21. I mix visual sensations with the music I listen to. I see, or rather, have the sensation of seeing, the peaks and valleys of the song, with the different layers of voices and instruments occupying different planes.

22. I am proud of my Rafflesian background, of the academic rigour and curiosity instilled in me. I failed to catch its values of discipline, but that shortcoming is entirely mine. RI changed my life in more ways than one. Kudos to all the teachers, and all my friends over there. I owe you all.

23. I am an introvert, but not the extent most of you would think I am. I still need and appreciate companionship.

24. I believe that evolution and creation can be reconciled with God's Word. I do not believe that the earth was created only 6000+ years ago, or that we do not share a common ancestor with modern primates.

25. I took about 4-5 hours to make this list, way longer than I should have. Hope you enjoy it!

And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed doing it.

Hey Jude

Hrm.

I question my policy of only posting positive things on my blog.

Just went through the Bible. I think posting about something negative is different from confessing it. Is it? What's the difference. I think, in the former, the situation is negative, while for the latter, the person's attitude towards the situation is negative. I'm quite sure David knew where God was in his situation. Wouldn't have felt it all of the time, or I daresay most of the time, but his faith was a substance that...had weight. It stabilised him.

Well then. My current attitude is incorrect, and quite honestly, I have no desire to change it. Not worth it.

Hrm. I did something to someone that majorly flipped me out a while ago. It's always interesting to catch yourself in action for once.

Fixed.

It always irks me that the default Blogger post time is the time you start the post. Utterly illogical and annoying.

Pausitivity

If I won't post about anything negative, I won't post at all. There have been precious few positive moments in the past weeks.

Oh, Jermaine watches South Park! Haha, that one was a shocker. Then again, she plays Left 4 Dead, so... On that subject, I think South Park is a remarkably efficient capsule for social issues that might otherwise turn people off. Take "The Ring". It introduces the controversies surrounding the so-called "purity rings" and their accessory status by certain tween idols. The whole thing is done in such an over-the-top way that...you discard any inherent biases the program might have. It's like...a burnt cake. You don't taste chocolate, ice-cream, sponge or tiramisu. You just taste...cake. The rest you have to fill in yourself.

Haha, maybe I do have semi-positive things to blog about after all. Happy 21st birthday to Mikki, I'm stepping out of my 3 year long monologue to comment about current events after all. To list how she has impacted my life, and the degree which I respect and love her as a sister in Christ would be too long, you don't need to hear it, anyway. =P

Just sitting now, relaxing. It's nice, isn't it? Closing your eyes, listening to music, just letting go of everything for a little while. It's only relaxing if you're doing work the rest of the time. I will find my God-given work.

I'm tired, and it's past my curfew. Perhaps tomorrow will be different. Perhaps I will be different tomorrow. Que sera, sera. whatever will be, will be. Your kingdom come, your will be done.

EDIT:

Hrm, thought of something as I was preparing Milo. KY recently posted this. To that, I replied,

"I don't see anything that has been achieved by confessing the negative. Maturity comes when you take responsibility of your problems. Jia you!"

The second part was all right, I guess, but the first part was uncalled for. Different people use their blogs for different purposes, and I have heard that people like Jermaine and KY use their blogs as a front-line emotional triage. Who am I to force my views on others? If you're reading this, KY, I'm sorry, I hope I did not upset you further that day.

What Do You Need To Make A Man?

What do you need to make a man?

Iron enough to make a nail,
Lime enough to paint a wall,
Water enough to drown a dog,
Sulfur enough to stop the fleas,
Poison enough to kill a cow,
Potash enough to wash a shirt,
Gold enough to buy a bean,
Silver enough to coat a pin,
Lead enough to ballast a bird,
Phosphor enough to light the town,

Strength enough to build a home,
Time enough to hold a child,
Love enough to break a heart.

Sometimes, words fail me. There are words, and there is the magic behind the words. I often spout nonsense, syllables without substance. It is easy to do that. Form without function. I want that magic behind the words. These are simple words, but there is tremendous force, ...a whole book full of emotions behind them.

I want to mean what I say. I want to feel what I say. All else is just empty words, smokescreen for the weak and simple-minded. God, as I travel around to salvage my life, put not words in my mouth, but honesty, wisdom and courage in my heart. Out of the excesses of the heart, the mouth speaks. Help me tame my wavering heart.

Be of good courage, little child, for the One standing beside you is not so little. Stand on shoulders of giants, so that you may lifted up above the storm. Someday, you will support little ones of your own. Love them like I love you.

Krazō

Last posted in Feb. Amazing.

I guess this is not what I'm passionate about. Every morning, when I wake up, I fire up the computer, and hit Google Reader. Averaging 410 items a day from 157 feeds, I take the next couple of hours reading them. I...live by knowledge. On my up days, I'll scribble down random revelations from God throughout the day, saving them as drafts in my handphones, writing them down on foolscap, or just repeating it to myself so I won't forget it. I remember filling up 1 whole page of writing during an hour of morning prayer meeting at the Paya Lebar Heart of God church.

Those days are not-so-far behind though. I need that back. That hunger, that thirst. I vaguely remember the sermon about the woman offering a room to a passing prophet. Looking it up, it's in 2 Kings 4.

2Ki 4:8 Now it happened one day that Elisha went to Shunem, where there was a notable woman, and she persuaded him to eat some food. So it was, as often as he passed by, he would turn in there to eat some food.
2Ki 4:9 And she said to her husband, “Look now, I know that this is a holy man of God, who passes by us regularly.
2Ki 4:10 Please, let us make a small upper room on the wall; and let us put a bed for him there, and a table and a chair and a lampstand; so it will be, whenever he comes to us, he can turn in there.”

- 2Ki 4:8-10

There was room, and food. Food is the Word, of course. Elisha is the Holy Spirit. Making room for the Holy Spirit. Spending time with Him. "persuaded" in Hebrew is "châzaq" (khaw-zak'), and reading from Strong's Concordance, means "To seize, ...obstinate, to bind...", and many other words with that same power of urgency. I've got to stop wanting the Holy Spirit, and start hungering for the Him. I can't be ambivalent or casual about it, I've got to really want it!

All that Bible Reading software...I think my paper Bible is still the best. It's useful to find a verse, but I would very much rather know where it is and where to find it. That way, the Bible will be written on the tablets of my heart, not on a plastic platter of binary.

My life hangs in the balance. TP, transfer, or Army. God, TP or transfer, please. Please Daddy, I beg of you, not Army...

Magna Carta Amor

Let it be known that I am destroying my life at this phase of emerging adulthood. Let it be known that all around me, people are concerned and are trying to help me, to no avail. Let it be known that my thinking has not changed, and thus neither had my circumstances.

Let it be known that God, the creator of the universe, sculptor of the heavens and earth, dwells in me in form of the Holy Spirit, having loved me so much that he sent his only Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, to die upon the cross for me. Let it be known that I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forgotten; struck down, but not destroyed, for this excellence of power that I speak of is of the great "I AM", and not of mere human foolishness.

Let me believe that with the same childlike faith I started out with...

Let it be known that I love you.

There Is No Darkness Without Light

3 weeks since I've last sat down to blog. Death, dearth, defunct. A rather apt description of my life now. I do not need reason, I do not need faith. I need something to matter to me enough to do it. When my love for something outweighs my apathy, whatever I touch will prosper.

I do not have that love for anything, or anyone right now, not even myself. If I would learn to love myself, perhaps I would be a better person. A lot of what I do, or rather, not do, would, I think, actually get done if I loved myself like I attempt to love others. I will not let friends self-destruct on my watch, be it physically or mentally. I try to love others more then I love myself. What, little, imperfect love I have I spend on others. This is not altruism or selflessness, this is insanity. I cannot love others without first loving myself.

I have to love God, love myself, and love others.

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21 (NKJV)

In that order. Christ love will bring forth self-love and a love for others. I came to Christ because of a hole in my heart, a hole where my God-given breath of life was leaking out into the void. I came in empty, and I was filled.

However, it's only through Christ that I realised how empty I was, how utterly wretched my life had been, and to a certain extent continues to be. It's like a light that illuminates your soul. Only when the light is on do you realise how big and empty and dirty the room is. I know the heights of being filled, but I also carry the knowledge of exactly how deep my troubles go.

Thanks Jermaine, Xue Ting and KY for the encouraging comments, it's really people like you all who keep me going. It's late now, I really shouldn't be on.

Another story for another day. If I cut out my heart for all to see, would you stop and stare, or would you stop to care?

It's like being in love, then getting the chain yanked. That's the kind of feeling that I have right now, in more ways than one. When you're in love, you're so concious of the person there. When you close your eyes, you know exactly where that person is. When you look in a crowd, the person's face jumps out at you, and all the other faces seem to fade away.

Then when that person is yanked from you, you feel this...emptiness, this gnawing emptiness. By the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit, I understand myself more and more each day. I understand that these hours spent with you the last week, these hours meant so much to you. You eagerly awaited my arrival in the morning, and could not bear for me to leave. You whispered words of love into my ears, poured strength into my hollow bones. You stripped my mask away, every single day, and as I came before you, you nursed my hurts and my worries with your own hands. You comforted me when I cried, shared in my joy when I was happy, challenged me when I was hungry for you.

How can I understand this all-encompassing love? I cannot, and thus seek to run away from it. I do not know the length, and breath, and the depth of your love. I do not know how far you can bring me, or even how far you have brought me. I am an ingrate, wallowing in my own self-pity and pride.

But God. You love me. You loved me. You will always love me. Teach me how to bear your love, Daddy. Strip away all this guilt, all these shame. It's never too late for me. It's never too late for me to come back, to say that I'm sorry. Your yoke is easy, and your burden light. All we bear is the burden of your love. I have, myself, added my own baggage, corrupted your love. Let everything I do, I do out of love, not duty.

I have built my house on sand. You alone know in what way. You alone know upon whom. You alone know how much it hurts me. You alone, I look to for healing. Take it from me, Lord. Burn it like discarded chaff, skim it off like impurities in gold. I will come out stronger. I will come out with a house built upon the solid rock of Christ Jesus. I seek you first for my growth; in others, I seek, but may not find. Even my leaders are fallible. Even my leaders, are in some way, imperfect. I seek what I can, but you shall provide the rest.

Such is the tyranny of eloquence without the spirit. Empty words, every single one of them. Feel like deleting every single one of them. Empty words are ugly words. They speak of hollow faith, duties instead of desire.

How Great Is Your Name

Today was awesome! Rather, yesterday was awesome! I can do it, as long as I visualise, as long as I see myself being consistently able to do it, as long as I saturate myself with the covering of God, I can do it! There were times where the covering thinned, but thank God I did not trip up too badly, I still got through today victoriously. I declare today a victory in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ. I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

Went through a mental checklist for today, busted through all but one of my tasks. I will settle that tomorrow. Can't do anything about the IC, though, but it's still an overall victory.

On the way to the wake, I noticed that the skies were really grey, and raindrops were starting to fall. I really prayed, told God, "If it is in your will, stop the rain. Stop the rain for your servant. You created all I have come to know, and if you say the rain stops, it shall stop." It only started raining when I got on the bus, and stopped by the time I got off. Thank you Daddy. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Thank God for your covering, I didn't know what to say or do, Jermaine really helped lots, and I hope that all I said and did was berifiting of your glory in me. Those moments of weakness and tiredness I claim my own. Glory be to God!

Finally the thing I'm most excited about. Earlier, on the way to the wake, I stopped at Ave 5, Blk 900+. I was supposed to get to 148. That's...some way off, considering standard HDB block numbering schemes. I turned to this kind ice-cream seller, who pointed me on my way. Turned out I have to cross the road, and walk about 50 metres to get to 148.

When I got off the train on my way back, this old lady came asking me for directions to blk 82. I could have just pointed her there, but I felt that I should walk her there, seeing that it was so late, almost 11:30 by then. It was only opposite my house, at any rate. We got slightly lost due to oddly shaped blocks, but finally she saw what she was looking for in Blk 81. It was a wake.

People get so excited when God blesses them with...something, anything, be it financial, spiritual, road directions even. That's perfectly fine. I want to also, however, to be a person that is even more excited in the blessing of others in return with what we've been blessed.I want to be excited that I'll be able to use what God gave me to help others.

Two stories crossed today, with the helpee becoming the helper. God, so me so much more of these situations. I want to give.

Night God. Thank you for today. All glory be to you.

In Lord Jesus' Most Precious Name I Pray

It's a fantastic feeling to be lost in a song, to lose yourself to the beat, to immerse yourself in the multilayered marvel of strings, drums, and the beautiful human voice. Simple notes makes up the most complex songs. A-A#-B-C-C#-D-D#-E-F-F#-G-G#.

It's like a drug. Some people use it manage pain. Some people use it enhance performance. Some people abuse it to escape. I'm sitting here listening to my shallow breathing, and shallower thoughts. Gotta shake it off.

Tiny steps today. Tiny tiny steps. That how I walk out of the valley. After this is another valley...

Service was good. I remembered Asia Conference, compared that Bowen to this Bowen. What changed? I stopped believing. Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that I couldn't, but God could through me. I didn't lose it. I threw it away. I was walking on water, and I turned to the waves.

Another revelation also popped up. I blogged before about my internal screams, the turmoil that comes with the night. It's the cry of my heart, the anguish of wasting something precious. People have sowed effort and tears into my life. God has sowed his most precious into my life. My heart cries for the hole to be stopped, the void to be filled once again. All the pain I feel when I’m down is my heart’s cry what I need the most, what I really want the most. It's like dropping a freshly bought ice-cream. Your heart twists, if only for a moment. And it's only an ice-cream.

Haha, I'm more emo when I'm tired. I only slept for a hour in school, face down on my laptop. Does fatigue make me another person, or do I just take off my mask?

Anyway, about love. Think about the smallest thing you've done for another person. That's not it, because you don't remember smaller things. It blips in your conciousness, then fades in seconds. These small blips however, touch the recipients in profound ways. Lives have been changed by the smallest gesture of love, the softest words of affirmation, the lightest touch on the shoulder, the gentlest of smiles. I don't think the recipients even know that they've been on the receiving end of such a powerful gift. It quietly fills them up, giving them strength and comfort. They may never remember it again, but it leaves a mark on their heart, a spot where another heart reached out in pure intentions and touched them.

Who has marks on my heart? I dare not list them, for fear of leaving someone out, but certainly God has left the deepest mark. Strange thing is, I don't have a connection that comes out when you reach back and return the other person's love. This giving and reciprocation creates a connection that makes the person real to you. I'm surrounded by fifty over people, fifty people that amount nothing to me. If you walk in, you instantly becomes more real to me then all the other fifty people. This reality is birthed from the relationship that exists between us.

Build these relationships in every way possible. I am encouraged by Jermaine's efforts to cross boundaries by attempting zombie genocide.

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

(1 Corinthians 9:19-23 NIV)

The smallest thing done to cross over matters. I never liked being limited to a tagboard. That's why, even till today, I have no tagboard on my blog. I prefer the more expansive comment box, it allows for a more through expression of my thoughts. Recently however, Jermaine, KY and Xue Ting have been commenting on my blog, which set me thinking, "If they, being used to tagboard, can make the effort to post a comparatively longer comment, why can't I put it some effort to make my posts more succint? Thus my recent, and hopefully consistent spree of tagging. Crossing over, on the littlest things.

I suscribe to the three levels of language mastery. First level is short and simple, like a primary school kid's composition. Second level is where I am now, a student learning more and more about a languge, adept with lengthening and obfucscating the simplest sentence. The true masters on the 3rd and highest level are succint, but profound. They use 50% fewer words for 500% more accuracy and depth in meaning.

This post by Jermaine particulary speaks to my heart. I have come to that dreadful realization myself some time ago, but had not had the strength to follow through. This year is a season for my family relationships, Shaun said. So I build them, bit by bit. God help me.

Lay Hwa: Thanks for the wake up call. Indeed, it's the spiritual disciplines we keep that help us stablise our mood. Oft said, but done, naught. I'm giving myself 6 months to complete the Bible! You should be able to see the difference if I'm sticking to the plan. ;)

Jermaine: Haha, harsh, but ultimately victorious words. Your speech and manner reminds me more and more of Mikki. Keep growing in that direction! :> I'm looking forward, out of this rut, into time spent in the presence of honest but positive and encouraging people. Thanks!

Xue Ting: Your smiles are very much appreciated! Your smiles are infectious, and never fail bring up the atmosphere, no matter how bad the situation seems. The Bible talks about a city set on a hill, a light that cannot be hidden. Shine bright for God! =D

KY: Haha, glad that I make a difference in your life! If all of us undiscriminately sets out to make a difference to every single cell group member and friend we know, the whole cell group will be able to grow even closer. People will not mean anything to you until you sacrifice a little of yourself for them.

Jane: Thanks for visiting. Added!

Phew. Hours in the making, and still, shorter then Jermaine's "fierce" post. Haha. As always, not the word count! God, touch every word I write here. Soften the harsh words, and let the love shine brighter. I lift up this post into your loving hands

Amen.

EDIT: Sniped by Jermaine! Yes, looking forward to the journey ahead. Change is never easy, but God is on our side. His yoke is easy, and his burden light. Lean on God and each other for the journey ahead! I claim victory, in name of our Jehovah Nissi!

No Means No. No Topping That.

Hrm. Some things I've been wanting to post for quite a while, but never got around to, I guess

There's a lethargic feeling in my air. Familiar feeling. It's been there for every defeat in my life. It hangs like a noose over my head, looming big in everything I do.

Sigh. Don't feel like blogging today. Don't feeling like doing anything today. If I could just see you, everything would be all right. If I could just see you, this darkness would turn to light...

The Road Less Travelled

Added a blog roll, I figure it's a long overdue common courtesy. Rather plain, but I think I'll leave it for now. Do tell me if I'm missing anyone. I know I'm missing... Rui Ling's blogs Samantha, Mark and Carol seemed to have abandoned their blogs.

I saw a child today, on my way to school. He was sitting outside Bedok Macs in his school uniform, stroking a stray cat. It was past 8 in the morning, I'm pretty sure he was playing truant. Looking at him, even for that instant it took for the bus to pass him, a plethora of feelings stirred. A sense of identification, a deep sorrow at him throwing his life away, a deep regret at me having thrown away mine.

Such...dirt that lies beneath my mask. It has consumed so much of my life...I see myself in that kid, stroking the cat, not knowing what this lapse sets precedence for, what doors this lapse could open, and close.

Always two choices. Life, and Death. God, help me to choose life in everything I do, even if it means dying to who I think I am, what I think I want, what I want to feel. I understand that it is only through painful death can one truly live. I despise the shame, for the joy that is set before me.

I see you, mountain, and how big you are...

Love Is Like Jam. It's Sweet, And You Can't Help But Spread It

Hurp!

Quick one, I guess. Shucks! Formatting gone. Uno momento... Back, and so are justified lines. Wonder why it didn't turn up. Well, I'm back! Refreshed and recharged, no thanks to my extended break.

Hrm. I just deleted something. Should I post that? I don't feel like posting it, just a little voice saying no. No it is then, however much I cannot see the fault with it.

Ah. This one I can post. I had the wierdest dream ever, and I still remember bits of it. There was a ferry carrying Indians down a river, apparently I was trying to buy it over and refurbish it as it used to belong to my dad. I'm honestly not racist or anything, I just recall the boat ferrying Indian nationals, or some other flavour of Asian Black. I jumped into the water to swim to the captain, but I don't remember getting wet.

When I saw the captain, I asked him if he wanted to sell, but he hesitated. I told him that the ferry service will always remain free of charge. He then said something to the effect of being afraid of losing the "identity" of the boat. I told him that we won't rebuild it completely, that we'll take pieces of the old boat to build the new. The captain then pointed to two parts of the old boat that I had to keep.

First was the two...strings, or twine, rather, that ran from the mast of the boat to the fore. The boat was white... Second was a intricate 3d carving of the edge of a yellow plastic post, like one you would see in a playground, usually as brown metal support pillars. This one was yellow, made of plastic and hollow. I remember that the carving popped out, with the sculptor making clever use of the hollow interior to make a 3d effect. It seemed to be heat-pressed, like...moulded, but some sort of cutting was involved.

There was a Chinese female with me all the while. I remember her hair, it was like Angeline Lee from The Eye. A semi-scary video follows, but it really does reflect my Indian-Ferry-Hostile-Takeover companion's hair, at least:

For those of you who don't like semi-scary floating stuff, 2 photos:

and

Hrm. Again, not necessarily my ideal gal, just someone I know will be there for me when I rebuild boats in India. Well, her hair, at least.

Any Josephs around to interpret? There are so many angles, it's hard to start. I, however, think that the most probably one would be that my mind combined the Indonesian ferry sinkings, illusions of grandeur, some latent longing for India, the Christmas countdown at the playground, and a movie I liked into some twisted story. Maybe I can make another movie, "India". Should be a better hit then "Australia". Or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Seems a bit convoluted, that.

Oh yeah. I better darn well start appreciating people on my blog. Thanks to...Jermaine, KY and Xue Ting for commenting, listed in no particular meaningful order. Really. Like, really! You don't believe me. Well, it's not my fault, you think too much! So there!

Jermaine: Yep, thoughts make or break me. Guess I've been meditating on the wrong things, like exp/min and Indian boats. My personal verse for this year:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (NIV)

and one Shaun gave me that I will co-adopt this year:

So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

- Zechariah 4:6 (NIV)

That's what I'll be focusing on this year. Watch my path, dear sister, prod me if I stray. Oh yeah, loving W426 and W473 too! In no particular order. Really!

KY: Yeah, I'll keep you in prayer too! I remember Joan just randomly telling me that she prayed for me. Pretty out of the blue, and she's Joan, so it's not pretentious or super holy. She prays for 1 person every night, and goes around every two weeks. I guess it's the consistency, day in day out, week in week out, that contributed to cell group growth then. It's the small things that makes the difference, and I thank you very much for sowing into my life!

Xue Ting: Haha, yes! As I am wont to say, I love me too! Jokes aside, I very much appreciate words of affirmation, often making a larger difference than you think it might. I guess this year, I should be more affirming of people too, spread the love and comfort that I've been used to getting. Thank you so much for being a friend, and I know that God will, in His time, reveal a bigger vision for your life ahead. Lets each look for our purpose, and live a purpose-driven life for God, never looking back. 加油!

God: You didn't tag, but you're always there, watching, waiting, whispering. I can barely hear you over the din of my own world. Speak louder! Or maybe, just maybe, I should learn to slow down. Let me draw strength from you. Let me draw love, comfort, wisdom, patience, perseverance, let me die to myself this year, so that I may be truly reborn, new wine in a new wineskin. Weren't those your first Words to me? Well, here goes...

I Won't Sleep Through September. I Make It Happen.

What happened today? Or, rather, what the hell happened today? Hell is right.

I didn't go for bussing in Children's Church today. I missed a sounding session with Shaun before service. I missed service.

What is there to say? Nothing. Jasmine called. I couldn't say anything productive. Why did I feel annoyed? Shaun or Mikki would have probably said the same things. It's how I respond to the discipleship I guess.

Screw all that. What do I do now? Dispense apologies. Shaun first. Jasmine, Fa Jin. Eh, no. God first. Be reconciled with God first, then man. I gotta get my mojo back first. straight from the mojo man. My 'j' key is stuck. Gotta clean out my keyboard later. Gotta clean me out later...

Shaun, Jasmine, Fa Jin. Davis, Fa Ji. Joyce. Gladys. Bridges I've been burning.

Oh yeah, I didn't go for tuition. Seems like a really sucky start of the year. Just as well. I need to toughen up, either way. I figure it's easier than to stop making mistakes. Screw all that, I leave it behind. There's a prize set before me, and it just got further away. Time to despise the shame. For the joy that is set before me.

What can I learn? Responsibility. Accountability. Knowledge is power. Power to create, power to destroy. When you know what you're doing, you don't get to push the blame to God.

Screw all that. Walking back to the narrow path. Slowly, but surely, my year moves forward again. Yeah Bowen, you're loved! Past Bowen said hi, but I don't have much good news for him. Whoever knew things would turn out like this?

I think I've got to manage the guilt. If I let this get me down, I'll spiral, and then I'm really shafted. Aaargghhh...

18 Years Have Passed And Gone

Jermaine is like...a pretty good barometer. Other people have to see the clouds, apparently, she feels it in her bones. I need that kind of sensitivity, a stepped down paranoia from what I used to exhibit.

And Shaun is the most awesome cell group leader ever. It's amazing how he fellowships. Everytime I talk to him, whatever the matter is, I always walk away deeply touched by his words and actions. He washed our feet as a symbolic act on the last day of the year. Here I sit on my bed, lost for words. What can I say? My vocabulary fails me. It fails to encompass the plethora of feelings that ran, and are still running, through my mind. Regret. Regret that I had not done more for him, for the cell group. For myself. Joy. Joy, that, as he said, I had seen a little light. I haven't really thought about it. What light had I seen? Perhaps it had not been a bright light, but a series of dim lights. Small miracles that made my day. Perhaps those are just as important as the bright lights.

I haven't started planning my year yet. I'll start tomorrow. I remember Shaun's vision. This year, I'll try my best to run with it.

No feeling. No "zhng". Strange. I'm not in the zone. Perhaps it's not time for me to reflect, so much so as it's time for me to sit up and focus on the coming year. I'll post my goals on my blog. There shouldn't be anything private, if there is, forgive me for leaving you in the dark. Yes, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

No more running wild, I'm Yours for life. You got me here, You got me. God, hallowed be Your name this year. Hallowed be Your name in my actions, in my words, in my thoughts, hallowed be Your name in my life. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. I turn away from the waves, once again walking on water, my eyes on Your face. Help me walk the narrow path this year. Give me this day my daily bread, and forgive my debts as I forgive my debtors. What has passed has passed. Disappointments with the person I try to love the most are dead, passed and gone. Give me in its place my daily bread of everything I need, and nothing I don't.

I love you God, you know that? I don't really say it, and God knows I sure don't seem to show it through my actions, but I do want to try. This year's going to be different. I'm going to make it different, and if my God is for me, who can be against me?

Have a great year ahead, I know I will.

P.S To the future Bowen reading this, how has the year been? I'll be praying for you, tell me if it helps. You are loved.