No Means No. No Topping That.

Hrm. Some things I've been wanting to post for quite a while, but never got around to, I guess

There's a lethargic feeling in my air. Familiar feeling. It's been there for every defeat in my life. It hangs like a noose over my head, looming big in everything I do.

Sigh. Don't feel like blogging today. Don't feeling like doing anything today. If I could just see you, everything would be all right. If I could just see you, this darkness would turn to light...

The Road Less Travelled

Added a blog roll, I figure it's a long overdue common courtesy. Rather plain, but I think I'll leave it for now. Do tell me if I'm missing anyone. I know I'm missing... Rui Ling's blogs Samantha, Mark and Carol seemed to have abandoned their blogs.

I saw a child today, on my way to school. He was sitting outside Bedok Macs in his school uniform, stroking a stray cat. It was past 8 in the morning, I'm pretty sure he was playing truant. Looking at him, even for that instant it took for the bus to pass him, a plethora of feelings stirred. A sense of identification, a deep sorrow at him throwing his life away, a deep regret at me having thrown away mine.

Such...dirt that lies beneath my mask. It has consumed so much of my life...I see myself in that kid, stroking the cat, not knowing what this lapse sets precedence for, what doors this lapse could open, and close.

Always two choices. Life, and Death. God, help me to choose life in everything I do, even if it means dying to who I think I am, what I think I want, what I want to feel. I understand that it is only through painful death can one truly live. I despise the shame, for the joy that is set before me.

I see you, mountain, and how big you are...

Love Is Like Jam. It's Sweet, And You Can't Help But Spread It

Hurp!

Quick one, I guess. Shucks! Formatting gone. Uno momento... Back, and so are justified lines. Wonder why it didn't turn up. Well, I'm back! Refreshed and recharged, no thanks to my extended break.

Hrm. I just deleted something. Should I post that? I don't feel like posting it, just a little voice saying no. No it is then, however much I cannot see the fault with it.

Ah. This one I can post. I had the wierdest dream ever, and I still remember bits of it. There was a ferry carrying Indians down a river, apparently I was trying to buy it over and refurbish it as it used to belong to my dad. I'm honestly not racist or anything, I just recall the boat ferrying Indian nationals, or some other flavour of Asian Black. I jumped into the water to swim to the captain, but I don't remember getting wet.

When I saw the captain, I asked him if he wanted to sell, but he hesitated. I told him that the ferry service will always remain free of charge. He then said something to the effect of being afraid of losing the "identity" of the boat. I told him that we won't rebuild it completely, that we'll take pieces of the old boat to build the new. The captain then pointed to two parts of the old boat that I had to keep.

First was the two...strings, or twine, rather, that ran from the mast of the boat to the fore. The boat was white... Second was a intricate 3d carving of the edge of a yellow plastic post, like one you would see in a playground, usually as brown metal support pillars. This one was yellow, made of plastic and hollow. I remember that the carving popped out, with the sculptor making clever use of the hollow interior to make a 3d effect. It seemed to be heat-pressed, like...moulded, but some sort of cutting was involved.

There was a Chinese female with me all the while. I remember her hair, it was like Angeline Lee from The Eye. A semi-scary video follows, but it really does reflect my Indian-Ferry-Hostile-Takeover companion's hair, at least:

For those of you who don't like semi-scary floating stuff, 2 photos:

and

Hrm. Again, not necessarily my ideal gal, just someone I know will be there for me when I rebuild boats in India. Well, her hair, at least.

Any Josephs around to interpret? There are so many angles, it's hard to start. I, however, think that the most probably one would be that my mind combined the Indonesian ferry sinkings, illusions of grandeur, some latent longing for India, the Christmas countdown at the playground, and a movie I liked into some twisted story. Maybe I can make another movie, "India". Should be a better hit then "Australia". Or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Seems a bit convoluted, that.

Oh yeah. I better darn well start appreciating people on my blog. Thanks to...Jermaine, KY and Xue Ting for commenting, listed in no particular meaningful order. Really. Like, really! You don't believe me. Well, it's not my fault, you think too much! So there!

Jermaine: Yep, thoughts make or break me. Guess I've been meditating on the wrong things, like exp/min and Indian boats. My personal verse for this year:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (NIV)

and one Shaun gave me that I will co-adopt this year:

So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

- Zechariah 4:6 (NIV)

That's what I'll be focusing on this year. Watch my path, dear sister, prod me if I stray. Oh yeah, loving W426 and W473 too! In no particular order. Really!

KY: Yeah, I'll keep you in prayer too! I remember Joan just randomly telling me that she prayed for me. Pretty out of the blue, and she's Joan, so it's not pretentious or super holy. She prays for 1 person every night, and goes around every two weeks. I guess it's the consistency, day in day out, week in week out, that contributed to cell group growth then. It's the small things that makes the difference, and I thank you very much for sowing into my life!

Xue Ting: Haha, yes! As I am wont to say, I love me too! Jokes aside, I very much appreciate words of affirmation, often making a larger difference than you think it might. I guess this year, I should be more affirming of people too, spread the love and comfort that I've been used to getting. Thank you so much for being a friend, and I know that God will, in His time, reveal a bigger vision for your life ahead. Lets each look for our purpose, and live a purpose-driven life for God, never looking back. 加油!

God: You didn't tag, but you're always there, watching, waiting, whispering. I can barely hear you over the din of my own world. Speak louder! Or maybe, just maybe, I should learn to slow down. Let me draw strength from you. Let me draw love, comfort, wisdom, patience, perseverance, let me die to myself this year, so that I may be truly reborn, new wine in a new wineskin. Weren't those your first Words to me? Well, here goes...

I Won't Sleep Through September. I Make It Happen.

What happened today? Or, rather, what the hell happened today? Hell is right.

I didn't go for bussing in Children's Church today. I missed a sounding session with Shaun before service. I missed service.

What is there to say? Nothing. Jasmine called. I couldn't say anything productive. Why did I feel annoyed? Shaun or Mikki would have probably said the same things. It's how I respond to the discipleship I guess.

Screw all that. What do I do now? Dispense apologies. Shaun first. Jasmine, Fa Jin. Eh, no. God first. Be reconciled with God first, then man. I gotta get my mojo back first. straight from the mojo man. My 'j' key is stuck. Gotta clean out my keyboard later. Gotta clean me out later...

Shaun, Jasmine, Fa Jin. Davis, Fa Ji. Joyce. Gladys. Bridges I've been burning.

Oh yeah, I didn't go for tuition. Seems like a really sucky start of the year. Just as well. I need to toughen up, either way. I figure it's easier than to stop making mistakes. Screw all that, I leave it behind. There's a prize set before me, and it just got further away. Time to despise the shame. For the joy that is set before me.

What can I learn? Responsibility. Accountability. Knowledge is power. Power to create, power to destroy. When you know what you're doing, you don't get to push the blame to God.

Screw all that. Walking back to the narrow path. Slowly, but surely, my year moves forward again. Yeah Bowen, you're loved! Past Bowen said hi, but I don't have much good news for him. Whoever knew things would turn out like this?

I think I've got to manage the guilt. If I let this get me down, I'll spiral, and then I'm really shafted. Aaargghhh...

18 Years Have Passed And Gone

Jermaine is like...a pretty good barometer. Other people have to see the clouds, apparently, she feels it in her bones. I need that kind of sensitivity, a stepped down paranoia from what I used to exhibit.

And Shaun is the most awesome cell group leader ever. It's amazing how he fellowships. Everytime I talk to him, whatever the matter is, I always walk away deeply touched by his words and actions. He washed our feet as a symbolic act on the last day of the year. Here I sit on my bed, lost for words. What can I say? My vocabulary fails me. It fails to encompass the plethora of feelings that ran, and are still running, through my mind. Regret. Regret that I had not done more for him, for the cell group. For myself. Joy. Joy, that, as he said, I had seen a little light. I haven't really thought about it. What light had I seen? Perhaps it had not been a bright light, but a series of dim lights. Small miracles that made my day. Perhaps those are just as important as the bright lights.

I haven't started planning my year yet. I'll start tomorrow. I remember Shaun's vision. This year, I'll try my best to run with it.

No feeling. No "zhng". Strange. I'm not in the zone. Perhaps it's not time for me to reflect, so much so as it's time for me to sit up and focus on the coming year. I'll post my goals on my blog. There shouldn't be anything private, if there is, forgive me for leaving you in the dark. Yes, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

No more running wild, I'm Yours for life. You got me here, You got me. God, hallowed be Your name this year. Hallowed be Your name in my actions, in my words, in my thoughts, hallowed be Your name in my life. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. I turn away from the waves, once again walking on water, my eyes on Your face. Help me walk the narrow path this year. Give me this day my daily bread, and forgive my debts as I forgive my debtors. What has passed has passed. Disappointments with the person I try to love the most are dead, passed and gone. Give me in its place my daily bread of everything I need, and nothing I don't.

I love you God, you know that? I don't really say it, and God knows I sure don't seem to show it through my actions, but I do want to try. This year's going to be different. I'm going to make it different, and if my God is for me, who can be against me?

Have a great year ahead, I know I will.

P.S To the future Bowen reading this, how has the year been? I'll be praying for you, tell me if it helps. You are loved.