What Do You Need To Make A Man?

What do you need to make a man?

Iron enough to make a nail,
Lime enough to paint a wall,
Water enough to drown a dog,
Sulfur enough to stop the fleas,
Poison enough to kill a cow,
Potash enough to wash a shirt,
Gold enough to buy a bean,
Silver enough to coat a pin,
Lead enough to ballast a bird,
Phosphor enough to light the town,

Strength enough to build a home,
Time enough to hold a child,
Love enough to break a heart.

Sometimes, words fail me. There are words, and there is the magic behind the words. I often spout nonsense, syllables without substance. It is easy to do that. Form without function. I want that magic behind the words. These are simple words, but there is tremendous force, ...a whole book full of emotions behind them.

I want to mean what I say. I want to feel what I say. All else is just empty words, smokescreen for the weak and simple-minded. God, as I travel around to salvage my life, put not words in my mouth, but honesty, wisdom and courage in my heart. Out of the excesses of the heart, the mouth speaks. Help me tame my wavering heart.

Be of good courage, little child, for the One standing beside you is not so little. Stand on shoulders of giants, so that you may lifted up above the storm. Someday, you will support little ones of your own. Love them like I love you.

Krazō

Last posted in Feb. Amazing.

I guess this is not what I'm passionate about. Every morning, when I wake up, I fire up the computer, and hit Google Reader. Averaging 410 items a day from 157 feeds, I take the next couple of hours reading them. I...live by knowledge. On my up days, I'll scribble down random revelations from God throughout the day, saving them as drafts in my handphones, writing them down on foolscap, or just repeating it to myself so I won't forget it. I remember filling up 1 whole page of writing during an hour of morning prayer meeting at the Paya Lebar Heart of God church.

Those days are not-so-far behind though. I need that back. That hunger, that thirst. I vaguely remember the sermon about the woman offering a room to a passing prophet. Looking it up, it's in 2 Kings 4.

2Ki 4:8 Now it happened one day that Elisha went to Shunem, where there was a notable woman, and she persuaded him to eat some food. So it was, as often as he passed by, he would turn in there to eat some food.
2Ki 4:9 And she said to her husband, “Look now, I know that this is a holy man of God, who passes by us regularly.
2Ki 4:10 Please, let us make a small upper room on the wall; and let us put a bed for him there, and a table and a chair and a lampstand; so it will be, whenever he comes to us, he can turn in there.”

- 2Ki 4:8-10

There was room, and food. Food is the Word, of course. Elisha is the Holy Spirit. Making room for the Holy Spirit. Spending time with Him. "persuaded" in Hebrew is "châzaq" (khaw-zak'), and reading from Strong's Concordance, means "To seize, ...obstinate, to bind...", and many other words with that same power of urgency. I've got to stop wanting the Holy Spirit, and start hungering for the Him. I can't be ambivalent or casual about it, I've got to really want it!

All that Bible Reading software...I think my paper Bible is still the best. It's useful to find a verse, but I would very much rather know where it is and where to find it. That way, the Bible will be written on the tablets of my heart, not on a plastic platter of binary.

My life hangs in the balance. TP, transfer, or Army. God, TP or transfer, please. Please Daddy, I beg of you, not Army...

Magna Carta Amor

Let it be known that I am destroying my life at this phase of emerging adulthood. Let it be known that all around me, people are concerned and are trying to help me, to no avail. Let it be known that my thinking has not changed, and thus neither had my circumstances.

Let it be known that God, the creator of the universe, sculptor of the heavens and earth, dwells in me in form of the Holy Spirit, having loved me so much that he sent his only Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, to die upon the cross for me. Let it be known that I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forgotten; struck down, but not destroyed, for this excellence of power that I speak of is of the great "I AM", and not of mere human foolishness.

Let me believe that with the same childlike faith I started out with...

Let it be known that I love you.

There Is No Darkness Without Light

3 weeks since I've last sat down to blog. Death, dearth, defunct. A rather apt description of my life now. I do not need reason, I do not need faith. I need something to matter to me enough to do it. When my love for something outweighs my apathy, whatever I touch will prosper.

I do not have that love for anything, or anyone right now, not even myself. If I would learn to love myself, perhaps I would be a better person. A lot of what I do, or rather, not do, would, I think, actually get done if I loved myself like I attempt to love others. I will not let friends self-destruct on my watch, be it physically or mentally. I try to love others more then I love myself. What, little, imperfect love I have I spend on others. This is not altruism or selflessness, this is insanity. I cannot love others without first loving myself.

I have to love God, love myself, and love others.

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21 (NKJV)

In that order. Christ love will bring forth self-love and a love for others. I came to Christ because of a hole in my heart, a hole where my God-given breath of life was leaking out into the void. I came in empty, and I was filled.

However, it's only through Christ that I realised how empty I was, how utterly wretched my life had been, and to a certain extent continues to be. It's like a light that illuminates your soul. Only when the light is on do you realise how big and empty and dirty the room is. I know the heights of being filled, but I also carry the knowledge of exactly how deep my troubles go.

Thanks Jermaine, Xue Ting and KY for the encouraging comments, it's really people like you all who keep me going. It's late now, I really shouldn't be on.

Another story for another day. If I cut out my heart for all to see, would you stop and stare, or would you stop to care?

It's like being in love, then getting the chain yanked. That's the kind of feeling that I have right now, in more ways than one. When you're in love, you're so concious of the person there. When you close your eyes, you know exactly where that person is. When you look in a crowd, the person's face jumps out at you, and all the other faces seem to fade away.

Then when that person is yanked from you, you feel this...emptiness, this gnawing emptiness. By the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit, I understand myself more and more each day. I understand that these hours spent with you the last week, these hours meant so much to you. You eagerly awaited my arrival in the morning, and could not bear for me to leave. You whispered words of love into my ears, poured strength into my hollow bones. You stripped my mask away, every single day, and as I came before you, you nursed my hurts and my worries with your own hands. You comforted me when I cried, shared in my joy when I was happy, challenged me when I was hungry for you.

How can I understand this all-encompassing love? I cannot, and thus seek to run away from it. I do not know the length, and breath, and the depth of your love. I do not know how far you can bring me, or even how far you have brought me. I am an ingrate, wallowing in my own self-pity and pride.

But God. You love me. You loved me. You will always love me. Teach me how to bear your love, Daddy. Strip away all this guilt, all these shame. It's never too late for me. It's never too late for me to come back, to say that I'm sorry. Your yoke is easy, and your burden light. All we bear is the burden of your love. I have, myself, added my own baggage, corrupted your love. Let everything I do, I do out of love, not duty.

I have built my house on sand. You alone know in what way. You alone know upon whom. You alone know how much it hurts me. You alone, I look to for healing. Take it from me, Lord. Burn it like discarded chaff, skim it off like impurities in gold. I will come out stronger. I will come out with a house built upon the solid rock of Christ Jesus. I seek you first for my growth; in others, I seek, but may not find. Even my leaders are fallible. Even my leaders, are in some way, imperfect. I seek what I can, but you shall provide the rest.

Such is the tyranny of eloquence without the spirit. Empty words, every single one of them. Feel like deleting every single one of them. Empty words are ugly words. They speak of hollow faith, duties instead of desire.

How Great Is Your Name

Today was awesome! Rather, yesterday was awesome! I can do it, as long as I visualise, as long as I see myself being consistently able to do it, as long as I saturate myself with the covering of God, I can do it! There were times where the covering thinned, but thank God I did not trip up too badly, I still got through today victoriously. I declare today a victory in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ. I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

Went through a mental checklist for today, busted through all but one of my tasks. I will settle that tomorrow. Can't do anything about the IC, though, but it's still an overall victory.

On the way to the wake, I noticed that the skies were really grey, and raindrops were starting to fall. I really prayed, told God, "If it is in your will, stop the rain. Stop the rain for your servant. You created all I have come to know, and if you say the rain stops, it shall stop." It only started raining when I got on the bus, and stopped by the time I got off. Thank you Daddy. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Thank God for your covering, I didn't know what to say or do, Jermaine really helped lots, and I hope that all I said and did was berifiting of your glory in me. Those moments of weakness and tiredness I claim my own. Glory be to God!

Finally the thing I'm most excited about. Earlier, on the way to the wake, I stopped at Ave 5, Blk 900+. I was supposed to get to 148. That's...some way off, considering standard HDB block numbering schemes. I turned to this kind ice-cream seller, who pointed me on my way. Turned out I have to cross the road, and walk about 50 metres to get to 148.

When I got off the train on my way back, this old lady came asking me for directions to blk 82. I could have just pointed her there, but I felt that I should walk her there, seeing that it was so late, almost 11:30 by then. It was only opposite my house, at any rate. We got slightly lost due to oddly shaped blocks, but finally she saw what she was looking for in Blk 81. It was a wake.

People get so excited when God blesses them with...something, anything, be it financial, spiritual, road directions even. That's perfectly fine. I want to also, however, to be a person that is even more excited in the blessing of others in return with what we've been blessed.I want to be excited that I'll be able to use what God gave me to help others.

Two stories crossed today, with the helpee becoming the helper. God, so me so much more of these situations. I want to give.

Night God. Thank you for today. All glory be to you.

In Lord Jesus' Most Precious Name I Pray

It's a fantastic feeling to be lost in a song, to lose yourself to the beat, to immerse yourself in the multilayered marvel of strings, drums, and the beautiful human voice. Simple notes makes up the most complex songs. A-A#-B-C-C#-D-D#-E-F-F#-G-G#.

It's like a drug. Some people use it manage pain. Some people use it enhance performance. Some people abuse it to escape. I'm sitting here listening to my shallow breathing, and shallower thoughts. Gotta shake it off.

Tiny steps today. Tiny tiny steps. That how I walk out of the valley. After this is another valley...

Service was good. I remembered Asia Conference, compared that Bowen to this Bowen. What changed? I stopped believing. Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that I couldn't, but God could through me. I didn't lose it. I threw it away. I was walking on water, and I turned to the waves.

Another revelation also popped up. I blogged before about my internal screams, the turmoil that comes with the night. It's the cry of my heart, the anguish of wasting something precious. People have sowed effort and tears into my life. God has sowed his most precious into my life. My heart cries for the hole to be stopped, the void to be filled once again. All the pain I feel when I’m down is my heart’s cry what I need the most, what I really want the most. It's like dropping a freshly bought ice-cream. Your heart twists, if only for a moment. And it's only an ice-cream.

Haha, I'm more emo when I'm tired. I only slept for a hour in school, face down on my laptop. Does fatigue make me another person, or do I just take off my mask?

Anyway, about love. Think about the smallest thing you've done for another person. That's not it, because you don't remember smaller things. It blips in your conciousness, then fades in seconds. These small blips however, touch the recipients in profound ways. Lives have been changed by the smallest gesture of love, the softest words of affirmation, the lightest touch on the shoulder, the gentlest of smiles. I don't think the recipients even know that they've been on the receiving end of such a powerful gift. It quietly fills them up, giving them strength and comfort. They may never remember it again, but it leaves a mark on their heart, a spot where another heart reached out in pure intentions and touched them.

Who has marks on my heart? I dare not list them, for fear of leaving someone out, but certainly God has left the deepest mark. Strange thing is, I don't have a connection that comes out when you reach back and return the other person's love. This giving and reciprocation creates a connection that makes the person real to you. I'm surrounded by fifty over people, fifty people that amount nothing to me. If you walk in, you instantly becomes more real to me then all the other fifty people. This reality is birthed from the relationship that exists between us.

Build these relationships in every way possible. I am encouraged by Jermaine's efforts to cross boundaries by attempting zombie genocide.

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

(1 Corinthians 9:19-23 NIV)

The smallest thing done to cross over matters. I never liked being limited to a tagboard. That's why, even till today, I have no tagboard on my blog. I prefer the more expansive comment box, it allows for a more through expression of my thoughts. Recently however, Jermaine, KY and Xue Ting have been commenting on my blog, which set me thinking, "If they, being used to tagboard, can make the effort to post a comparatively longer comment, why can't I put it some effort to make my posts more succint? Thus my recent, and hopefully consistent spree of tagging. Crossing over, on the littlest things.

I suscribe to the three levels of language mastery. First level is short and simple, like a primary school kid's composition. Second level is where I am now, a student learning more and more about a languge, adept with lengthening and obfucscating the simplest sentence. The true masters on the 3rd and highest level are succint, but profound. They use 50% fewer words for 500% more accuracy and depth in meaning.

This post by Jermaine particulary speaks to my heart. I have come to that dreadful realization myself some time ago, but had not had the strength to follow through. This year is a season for my family relationships, Shaun said. So I build them, bit by bit. God help me.

Lay Hwa: Thanks for the wake up call. Indeed, it's the spiritual disciplines we keep that help us stablise our mood. Oft said, but done, naught. I'm giving myself 6 months to complete the Bible! You should be able to see the difference if I'm sticking to the plan. ;)

Jermaine: Haha, harsh, but ultimately victorious words. Your speech and manner reminds me more and more of Mikki. Keep growing in that direction! :> I'm looking forward, out of this rut, into time spent in the presence of honest but positive and encouraging people. Thanks!

Xue Ting: Your smiles are very much appreciated! Your smiles are infectious, and never fail bring up the atmosphere, no matter how bad the situation seems. The Bible talks about a city set on a hill, a light that cannot be hidden. Shine bright for God! =D

KY: Haha, glad that I make a difference in your life! If all of us undiscriminately sets out to make a difference to every single cell group member and friend we know, the whole cell group will be able to grow even closer. People will not mean anything to you until you sacrifice a little of yourself for them.

Jane: Thanks for visiting. Added!

Phew. Hours in the making, and still, shorter then Jermaine's "fierce" post. Haha. As always, not the word count! God, touch every word I write here. Soften the harsh words, and let the love shine brighter. I lift up this post into your loving hands

Amen.

EDIT: Sniped by Jermaine! Yes, looking forward to the journey ahead. Change is never easy, but God is on our side. His yoke is easy, and his burden light. Lean on God and each other for the journey ahead! I claim victory, in name of our Jehovah Nissi!