Sincerity, when in doubt
Prayer is an attitude
The reality of wind in my hair.
Better God last then no God at all.
Hrm ok. Thoughts for the moment captured down. Kinda of a reminder of what I want to say, before I forget and it gets lost in this angsty brain of mine...
Wow, I'm just sitting in my living room in total darkness, feeling the gentle breeze blowing in through my window. This is real, not the tortured world I sometimes hold in my mind. This is real, this is right now. I've got to hold on to it.
I'm scared. Thoughts just ran through my mind, asking me if I was being true to myself, if it was what I really felt. I felt like a faker, who was typing for the world, instead of typing for me. Everytime I post here, I feel depressed. Is it the writing that causes me to be depressed and think depressing thoughts, or is this depression inherent inside of me, with blogging being the only outlet? I'm opening this can of piranhas, just dying to get out, dying to eat me alive as it had only a year ago. I have to find out where God is in all this mess. He'll make everything right. I just have to find the proper place, the place where he slots in, and he'll make this right.
Hrm, I'm reminded of the speech given by the Oral Roberts guy that came over to speak at our SoT graduation ceremony. He told us about some basic human questions, and God's answer to them. One of them was a question of identity, "Who am I?" He tells us that we have to find our identity from God, ask him who we are in him. Something to that effect, anyway. Also reminded of the importance of finding the promises God has for you in the Bible, to always keep them close to my heart, to always confess with my lips what I believe in. I don't know why I just typed that, it just felt like the right thing to do. Maybe tomorrow morning, with it's rejuvenation of sleep will reveal some answers.
Hrm. That feeling of not wanting to blog just kicked in again. I'm not sure what it is, why it's there, what the effects of it are, and whether I should listen to it. Am I afraid of revealing too much? Am I just tired from the emotional outpouring? I have no idea, at least, not now. I seem to have so many things I want to say just floating at the back of my head, I just lack the patience to type them all out...
I'll finish up the rest tomorrow. If I don't lose interest. Prayer being an attitude is pretty big though, can't wait to share. I seem to have a disposition to have an intense compulsion to not do the things that benefit me the most. Prayer, reading the Bible, seeking God in everything I do, study, I seem to have the hardest time with those....
Ah well, enough rambling for now. *clicks Post*
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