Urgh. Feeling like crap. Another depression episode. Makes me want to just scream and cry, but I can't. Not here. Not anywhere. It's not healthy, I think, supressing all these thoughts and actions. That's what I've been doing, running away from my depression. Sleeping it out. "I'll be fine tomorrow." Bowen you liar. You are never fine. You just bury the dirt deep inside you where no one can see.

Let's list out what you're depressed about. That dinner invitation, certainly. Thing is, I'm not supposed to be affected by it. Shit, I'm dwelling again. Also using swearwords. Bad me. I haven't thought like that in a while. Regret is such an ugly word. It's an emotion for things already done. I enormously regret, but it's already over. There's nothing I can do about it. Why do I major on the minor? Am I a weekend Christian, a fair-weather Christian. I seem to be disposed towards that. I have this self-destructive personality. If I'm hungry, I'll just eat whatever's in the house. I don't go down to get my food. I guess I need to be pushed to the brink, to the place where I'll pass out from the lack of food, before I will learn to get food from downstairs. Why do I have to have my back to the wall before I am propelled to do something. WHY DAMMIT@! It's a matter of what you want, and somewhere deep down inside, I don't want to be a Christian, I don't want to pray, I don't want the valleys I just want the mountains. My honesty scares me. I just want someone to love me. I have this great gaping need for love that isn't filled. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be all right. Is that my hormones talking? Is that just an excuse for wanting a relationship? Heck, I don't know. Most people aren't as complicated as this. They just go through their lives, not having to look at the dirt inside of them, analysing it, weighing it,