Tequila Sunset

I've never drank Tequila, nor have I watched the movie of the same name. I first saw it on Joseph's msn nick. I think it was the theme for their year's prom night. Or was it JJ, or Daniel Chia? I don't remember. It was so long ago. It's amazing how you remember small things like this. I guess it was important to me. It represented something that I will never be part of. RJ prom night. Being popular. Come to think of it, does it matter? It's a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point of time in our lives. As Christians, we're supposed to answer, "No, only my God's opinion matters to me" How many Christians have I seen are affected by people around them? They care about opinions, the views of the people around them. Hypocrites I can't call them, for I am one myself, perhaps the worst of all. I don't even consciously know that I'm affected. Some time ago, in the bus, I did an action characteristic of Boon Kiat, a double thumbs up and a click sound. At that time, Mikki commented that that action was so much like Boon Kiat, and that I shouldn't hang out with him so much. All that was done in a very jokingly and light manner, and I took it as such. However, I think my subconscious was pretty affected, and kicked in. I never did that action again. Everytime I look back on my life, I realised that I've always been influenced by someone or something, and I'll never be concious of it at that time. Emulating how my cousin used to squash his bread before eating it... Can't think of anything else. I'm pretty sure I'm just not aware of them all. I ...

Ah, sms. Interesting. Break for reply.

Done. Interesting interesting. Hrm. Ah yes, Rachel. Heh, had to check the spelling of your name. Sorry about that. =( You know, I have the image of the two of us sitting on some pier at a lake in the middle of a wooded forest at dusk, with me talking, and you just sitting, smiling, listening. I guess you were created to be an object of love. Or lust? Maybe, but probably not. I don't feel the urge to make hot, passionate love to every woman I meet, but I do want to be loved, and feel loved. I seem incapable of loving. What I do seems artificial, pale imitations of the real thing. I go through the motions, but don't feel anything. Or do I? Chatting over MSN with someone at this hour makes me feel... what is this feeling? I don't know. I feel... different. Like a light in my life. Nothing so drastic as love, or a crush, just a general feeling of well-being and happiness, i think. Is that what it is? Something as simple as talking to something. Deep inside, I really crave the love and attention .... that I never thought I got. Unfair, surely. My parents loved me, I'm sure of that. It's that, I don't know what love feels like. According to Pastor Kong, it's not even a feeling, but a choice. You choose to love, and you choose to not to. Have I chose not to love? How can I not love and yet want to be loved. Isn't that very selfish? It's kinda wierd. I know what an infatuation is like. I go through a period of emotional moderation with almost every girl I know well. No, Rachel, you don't count, and neither does anyone who reads this blog, I think. I've learnt to control myself, although sometimes I wonder if I'm more biased towards helping the females. I try to reason as such, I treat girls and guys have the same amount of attention, but the girls have a lower threshold at which help is initiated, whereas the guys have a much higher threshold, and thus receive less help and attention. Of course, I could be just covering up that I just view the girls as potential mates and guys as competitors. I watch myself, every day and night. I'm reminded of the Terry Pratchet book, Night Watch. At the end, Vimes is asked, "Who watches the watchman". "Me, I watch him" was the reply from his .... I don't know how to describe it... a persona of his conscience? My conscience watches me, God watches me. I pray that I never slip. Ugly huh, this side of me? The side that nobody knows, the side that nobody wants to know. The side that makes the whole me ugly. These masks have to come off, but will you walk away, or will the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay? Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns captures my feelings pretty adequately here.

Haha, wanted to blog about music again, but I want something new. I'd think Rachel wouldn't want to listen to the same old rambling me everyday. Haha, I'm starting to write for Rachel, with her in mind. Can't do that. Can't personify the blog this way...

I guess I'm tired. I don't have anything new. Will anyone take me the way I am? I lose, God. I have lost. Help. Signing off. Bye Rachel. Have fun in the world I've created for you, it's the best. I really wish I could join you, but... till next time, take care. See you around.