A Metreless Ode to My Friends

How precious are the people who humour me,
who laugh at my lame jokes,
and ignore my annoying whines,
all the while tolerating my utter childishness.
How precious are my friends.
Let's not be a bastard and alienate myself.

WhatsApp now has blue ticks to indicate that a message has been read, with each message also displaying the exact time that it was read. I choose to not feed my own insecurities (of which I have plenty), and commit to not to judge based on the blue ticks, and to not check the message read time. Same goes with Facebook messages, I guess.

The presence of a feature does not require or imply a need to indulge it.

First time back after a long time. So much good stuff here, reminds me of all the good feels I had in church before. And it's Phil Pringle too!

Commitment is a relentless routine. 1Co 15:58

Why is it that, as we grow older, we get more and more content watching other people have fun on our behalf? As we grow older, we watch Running Man and Sherlock, passively adsorb the joyous experiences for others and claim them as our own, discuss them as if they happened to us, laugh and grieve as if they mattered to us? When did we stop doing and become content to let others live a joyous and exciting life on our behalf?

Dev Psych exam in 20 minutes!

Lose Yourself In The Music, The Moment

I think that something really important just happened. I was on the train back from Cosfest X.2, and I was just commenting to Jun Fu, an Army friend, that I didn't want to start school when I suddenly felt...sad. It was still ok, until I got off at Tiong Bahru for dinner. Intense sorrow set in, I nearly just cried there and then. I explored a few options, and settled on me being sad as losing the comfortable place in the Army, and having to go to an unknown, school. Some further exploring lead me to the thought that I'm a lonely person, afraid of losing friends in the army, afraid of just drifting away from the people who...I think I really connected with, laughed with, spent time with. It isn't anything very strong, but it's precious to me...which I didn't even realise until I typed it out. Do I care about them, or just about what they mean to me? Am I that narcissistic?

Who am I? I posted this on Twitter, "A face died today, a childish, foul-mouthed, dirty-minded but very comfortable and very natural face. Life is but a stage, and the Bowen you see, merely faces."

Paused for a moment to watch the opening bit of "Up". Does your identity come from who you love? Who am I? I was a Christian, rooted in God. I quit, but, at that time, was rooted as a clerk in ITI. Now that has been ripped away, who am I?

Strange, feeling much better now that I'm talking to my parents, watching TV. The rose-coloured glasses are...back on.

I Can Has Soshul Networkz!

Something I've observed that concerns me: Privacy has dramatically changed since even a few years ago. People are posting intimate details about their emotions, personal events and location, broadcasted for the world to see. I have seen inappropriate posts more than once, and I have on rare occasions stepped in to remind the original poster about the public nature of their posts.

Also, those who are wiser about what they post are increasingly forced to turn to other means to post more personal messages. I really want to go into anonymous details, but once again, privacy foils me. With my current, tiny, circle of friends, any details at all would certainly identify the persons in question. Tell me in your comments if you are willing to be identified about your efforts to maintain your privacy. Still, regardless of reach, there seems to be a driving need to share, even if it is only to yourself.

From my personal experience, it seems that the newer social networks like Twitter are more focused, and in turn more read (and replied) by the people that matter to you than other media such as Facebook. People jump on each bandwagon, only to jump off when too many people are with them. Is this a common occurrence?

When will this race end? What is the next medium for our personal messages? Is the answer in the traditional one-on-one sharing? Or will there ever be a selective broadcast of posts? Is that , in turn, against the spirit of online social networks?

This merits observation.

Of course, there are the people who don't care, who spam Facebook with emo, cryptic messages. I especially am annoyed by the cryptic messages. Everyone's emo at sometime or another, but at least be emo in a coherent way! This article and this comic (warning, contains mildly offensive language) is pretty representative of my "annoyedness". Please, if I am guilty of any of these, gently remind me with the sharp end of a stick.

Why Is A Raven Like A Writing Desk?

Suddenly have a renewed interest in blogging. Don't really have the time to blog now though.

I think it's ok if just me reading it. I think that blogging in this phase of my life will be one of personal growth. I used to want people to read, and I think I still do now, but it won't drive...

Busy! Finish later.

Back! After 6 days, hehe. Yeah. As I was typing, wanting people to read won't be a primary motivation for me. Correspondingly, what I type here will may sometimes not be catered to a reading audience. The following post is though. Do leave comments! I still maintain my stance that there are certain things that I will not post, and as to what exactly, I will leave it up to my discretion.

Blogging seems to draw up the best and worst of me. When I'm feeling down, the post forces my troubles to the foreground, magnifying those dreadful feelings. There are so many of those posts here. When I'm feeling up, it gives my imagination and writing skills full reign to create something that I feel good about.

Having a good Monday so far. Every day that I wake up on time is a manifestation of God's grace. I'm learning to lean on God more and more, even as I relinquish my dependence on other people. I've been listening to "Stay With You" and "I Need You", both from CHC's Breakaway album. I think the songs really reflects this phase in my life. I'm waiting on God, spending the time to seek the full measure of the presence of God. I'm leaning on God, emotionally letting go, and letting God.

There Is A Wait So Long

How're you doing Rachel? I was about to post something about myself, but you haven't said anything since I gave you life. How was your day? What is it like, living in me? Are you comfortable in there? I could imagine a bigger room for you. Is it too cold? I hope that my heart still pumps warm blood, that it has not hardened to icy stone.

Where are you? I cannot see your brown eyes, I cannot hear your laughter, I cannot hold your hand. I cannot smell your lilac shampoo, I cannot taste your blueberry waffles.

I want but am unqualified. So again, I sleep alone tonight.

Click Your Heels Together Three Times And Say...

A good friend recently reminded me about the existence of my blog. Looking at my blogroll, so many of them have seen months, even years from their last post. I think that, for many, blogging was a phase in our life, something that we grow out of. There was need to express, and the free time. Perfect storm, daily blog posts, active "shoutboxes", an endless stream of commentators.

When people grow older, they ruminate more than they spit. The need for blogs drop, because people are used to thinking through their thoughts rather than just spitting out their feelings. This drop in need is greatly exacerbated by the instantaneous nature of Facebook and Twitter, allowing to those with a higher need of expression an outlet that allows for immediate feedback to their emotions through the comment and "like" button.

Another factor of the drop in blogging would be the lack of time. When we were young, we slept at 2 a.m everyday, spending endless hours randomly surfing blogs and writing our own blog posts. A random check of Jermaine's blog shows that 3 out of the 5 posts on the front page were written at after 1 a.m. She simply does not have the luxury of time to post so late and so often, or about every week or so. (based on a random check of September 2009).

Most of all, she does not have the time to endlessly surf her friends' blog, the other side of the blogging coin. Facebook has poached most of the bloggers with the lure of a consolidation of everyone's posts into one coherent stream. I myself have never had the problem as I adopted RSS about the same time as blogging. The RSS reader allows me to read posts as they come in through the way of an automatic reader, or "web-spider", as we call them, going through all of my blogs and extracting new contents. I cannot imagine the time I would have spent going through blogs that might not have been updated, or missing posts that have been posted in quick succession.

This fad of blogging has long been over. The ones who stay are the dedicated, those who have something to share, willing to compose their thoughts coherently and present it in an engaging way. Among my 20 friends whom I follow, one one still maintains his blog, and only about once a month or so.

That said, posts from my RSS feed reader (Google Reader) that I go through everyday are still from blogs. My intellectual thirst is slaked by meaty articles that causes one to think, useful diagrams to help one visualise information. This cannot be achieved through 140 characters, or in a Facebook status update or a short blurb in Tumblr.

And that's all my attention span will allow me today. Bye Rachel!

P.S Am I one of the dedicated? Time will tell...

P.P.S No, I don't have a girlfriend yet. I named my blog Rachel. Hopeful thinking, maybe. ;)

The Death of a Dream

Just had a dream. A non-descript flower in a pot, white petals with a yellow centre. It was asking another flower, "What can I do?" I do not remember the flower, nor its reply. It then asked the peas, "What can I do?" The peas answered, "You can tend the sheep." The flower then said, "How can I, for I have no hands." I was holding an orchid plant, and it was growing, and growing, literally growing in my hands. When it was fully grown, people from the CG was crowding excitedly around me, picking the purple orchids from the plant. Everyone was really happy and excited, there was a genuine, childlike 'kampung' feel to it, as if we were all kids again, excited by the little toys and big imaginations. We weaved the orchids on a circular pointed roof made of flowers, and it looked beautiful...

Next thing I know, we destroyed the roof. The roof had not been attached to anything, and we removed the flowers and turned it inside out. I was sad. The me-that-was-in-the-dream reasoned that there was a cycle to everything, that everything dies and returns to the earth. The roof will decompose, and one again return to as soil, nourishing the trees, and returning as wood.

I draw one conclusion and one revelation from the dream. You may not be able to do things that others can do, but you can bring joy to people. You can, for a moment, bring them back to their childhood, the times where the world seemed like a giant playground, limited only by one's limitless imagination. In that, you can be important too.

When I woke, I pondered upon the dream, and a verse jumped out at me:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. - 2 Co 5:17

and almost immediately after that

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. - 2 Co 4:16

I used to read "old things have passed away" as meaning old defeats, past failures. Not so! What is glorious passes away too. The Bible tells us that:

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. -2 Cor 3:18

Your greatest assets, your strongholds of victories in Christ, all these will too pass away. Not so to ruin, but to make way for even greater works that God wants to bring into your life!

Too often, we pray heavy, sad prayers.

"Oh Lord, I have again stumbled in the face of temptation."

"Oh Lord, help me in my weaknesses."

"Oh Lord, my enemies have once again come to my gates. Help me!"

Occasionally, we pray triumphant, happy prayers.

"Thank you God for this breakthrough!"

But don't stop there!

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. - John 12:24

Don't hold on to your victory! Let it die, and be a seed for future growth.

"Thank you God for this breakthrough! I know that this is just the beginning of what you have in store for me! Once again I lay everything on the altar, my victories and defeats, my strengths and my weaknesses. Bring me higher! To God be the glory!"

Where Do You Want To Go Today?

'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where--' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Where do you want to go today? Somewhere doesn't cut it. Anyone who walks long enough gets somewhere. Do you care enough about where you're going to ask how?

Boxy Box Box and Loose Socks

Ouch. I really was an emo blogger. I think I'm still an emo person, but learning to do it "on my own time". I think that's my next stage, to fully compartmentalise this instability into little boxes.

Heh, took a peak at the MV for Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. I have to admit that I'm turned off. That, and knowing that my parents are watching TV behind me doesn't dispose me towards watching the full version. Reminds me of the time I watched a concert of a rock band which name escapes me. I only remember the stage being grand, outlandishly outfitted, complete with a giant glittering ball over the stage. (Googling "rock concert giant glittering ball" throws up Pink Floyd, which I'm inclined to believe in lieu of me remember the name Swee Keng dropped). The lead singer was wearing some sort of pink/purple leotard that has a giant U-shaped low cut cut all the way down the front to the waist. My jaw dropped, and SK looked at me askance, remarking, "You don't know meh? They all used to dress like that." I prefer my music less...mind-blowing.

I don't have to take things all the way. I can pick what I can, and leave the rest. While this might fare well in my dealings with this world, I don't think it'll bring me very far with God.

Bowen And Daddy Make An Opinion

Just went out to chill with some friends. Happy birthday Xiang Ling!

Heard stories. My curiousity was piqued about clubbing, drinking, and just hanging out in pubs and clubs. I want to form an opinion on these issues, and I cannot do that without experience. There are some things which are obviously bad, or where precedent has shown it harmful in certain ways, but neither is the case with this issue.

Drinking is clear-cut. I do not trust myself with alcohol. Non-negotiable position for the next few years, at least.

As for going to clubs, I think that the difference between my trip and the trip of the guy who just puked outside the club is the company. Tentatively, I think that the people you go with makes 90% of the experience, largely insulating me from any sleazy flip-side of clubs (I am obviously overhyping the negative aspects, and that is all I have heard from others). I will for now only go with people I know very well and who know me even better. Taking that circle of friends, and intersecting that with the friends I know who might be remotely interested in this area, it leaves just a few people. Heh. Looks like I may not be going anytime soon. I don't think I'm that kind of person you'd want to bring to a club, anyway. For now, at least.

I guess all this is probably premature, but as Pastor Phil wrote in his blog, we should prepare our stance beforehand, before the tempting and trials and tribulations come. Deciding then might bring you under the wrong pressures and influences. Thus this.

Is that a naive opinion? Is that an uninformed opinion? Is that a correct stance to take? Or rather, is that an appropriate stance to take?

Daddy?

And They Called It Puppy Love

Heh. Cute, if you know the original story.

Love, Lost and Found

Sometimes when I try to be a friend to others, and I get rebuffed, rebuked, or otherwise ignored, I often think if the person is worth it. "True friendship is a two-way relationship", I would think. "If the other person doesn't reciprocate, maybe it's not worth it."

How wrong can one get? True friendship is not a two-way relationship. It is two one-way relationships. Love is the one way relationship that each carries for each other. In two way relationships, love is somewhat conditional, but in two one-way relationships, each party loves each other with all their heart, no matter what the other person does or say. Mikki, Boon Kiat, Mark, Shaun. These are people that have seen my wildest side, my darkest moments, and have told themselves that "I still love Bowen for who he is." They don't even see me for who I can be. It's not that they see a lot of potential in me, potential to be great or someone smart or famous. They see me as who I am, faults and all, and still they love me, lovingly correcting my faults and bad attitudes.

Can you be a friend like that? Can you participate in this two one-way relationships? Can I?

Foo

Wow. July 16th. Haven't updated in quite a while. Never had anything positive to write. I rather not write, and keep all my negativity to myself. Don't know why, but blogging to me seems like an accentuator of my feelings. If I'm feeling happy, blogging about happy things, I get happier. When I'm sad, and blog about sad stuff, I get more upset over whatever I'm upset about.

Oh yes, got curious a while back, shot off an email to church. What I asked about should be pretty evident.

Dear Bowen,

Greetings in the wonderful name of Jesus!

Thank you so much for taking time to write to our church.

In response to your email, we have searched through our records and the date you received Christ was on Sunday, November 12, 2006.

We hope the information is helpful to you!

May God bless you richly!

Yours sincerely,

Serene Koh | Church Liaison Officer

City Harvest Church

It's always nice to know this kind of thing. Less than one month to go till my anniversary with God. I still can't believe it's been three years...

Pyromaniacs: Jesus' "dumb question" that wasn't (and isn't) [requested classic re-post]

Read this. Am I guilty of it? Are you?

For Now We See Through A Glass, Darkly

!

All Things To All Men

<sup>Serving All Men

19</sup> For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; ²⁰ and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; ²¹ to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; ²² to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. ²³ Now this I do for the gospel’s sake, that I may be partaker of it with you.

- 1 Corinthians 9:19-22

I thought I understood. I don't. It's not written anywhere other than my Bible. It's not in my head, it's not my heart. Not yet. For the joy set before me, by the grace I have been given, through the body made virtuous by the tested renewal of my mind, I will understand and put into action this Book I read and make my own.

<sup>Striving for a Crown

24</sup> Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. ²⁵ And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. ²⁶ Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. ²⁷ But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

And this is how I will do it. It is no coincidence that one of the greatest practical instructions for winning the lost is sandwiched in between two aptly titled chapters, "A Pattern of Self-Denial" and "Striving for a Crown".